Reaching out to people makes me disgusted with myself

[confusion]

I have been thinking about maybe asking someone for help lately. I've never been a person that would tell people about my feelings or if I was struggling, even when it first started. I just always felt like I would overcome this alone, or make the decision to ctb by myself. And then I would tell everyone everything through a letter or something.
Now that I've been thinking about reaching out to someone, maybe even my parents..(?) I keep on imagining how I would do that and what they might say. And I notice that I am just incapable of asking for help.
I have talked to online friends before that didn't know who I was about wanting to ctb, and the moment they'd say something like "I'm so sorry, you're not alone", I would just get so angry and fed up (even though it was me that asked for help). I can't even explain what makes me so pissed off, I just blame them for not being able to actually help me even though they might be doing their best. And I get mad because I feel like they don't understand what I'm feeling, which is kind of a huge thing to ask for anyway and makes me into such an asshole.
I really don't like this about myself and I'm very embarrassed but I do really want to talk about it after about 4 years of keeping all this for myself. And for that I need to be able to share things without being an idiot.
I've thought about maybe trying to "ctb", but very half-heartedly, so that I definitely won't die but I won't be able to hide it. That way, people would notice and maybe try and help me no matter what bullshit I say.
I get that this might not sound like a good solution at all but I know that I will never be able to tell someone about wanting to die without having something "to show for it".

 

[Life_and_Death]

"I'm so sorry, you're not alone"

its just an idea but maybe you got upset because its kind of blowing you off. even if they didnt mean it that way to someone dealing with the problem (depending on the problem and how you feel about it) yes we know we're not alone. we know were not one in several billion, but that doesnt make it hurt less. that doesnt point me in the direction of an answer its just "hang in there" and as cute as that little cat is, we dont need to constantly be seeing it.

I do really want to talk about it after about 4 years of keeping all this for myself. And for that I need to be able to share things without being an idiot.

you can pm me (preferably conversation) if youd like, (when you can), ill listen without judgement, i can understand needing to voice your pain

 

[PINKIESISU]

I have been thinking about maybe asking someone for help lately. I've never been a person that would tell people about my feelings or if I was struggling, even when it first started. I just always felt like I would overcome this alone, or make the decision to ctb by myself. And then I would tell everyone everything through a letter or something.
Now that I've been thinking about reaching out to someone, maybe even my parents..(?) I keep on imagining how I would do that and what they might say. And I notice that I am just incapable of asking for help.
I have talked to online friends before that didn't know who I was about wanting to ctb, and the moment they'd say something like "I'm so sorry, you're not alone", I would just get so angry and fed up (even though it was me that asked for help). I can't even explain what makes me so pissed off, I just blame them for not being able to actually help me even though they might be doing their best. And I get mad because I feel like they don't understand what I'm feeling, which is kind of a huge thing to ask for anyway and makes me into such an asshole.
I really don't like this about myself and I'm very embarrassed but I do really want to talk about it after about 4 years of keeping all this for myself. And for that I need to be able to share things without being an idiot.
I've thought about maybe trying to "ctb", but very half-heartedly, so that I definitely won't die but I won't be able to hide it. That way, people would notice and maybe try and help me no matter what bullshit I say.
I get that this might not sound like a good solution at all but I know that I will never be able to tell someone about wanting to die without having something "to show for it".

It sounds like you really don't want to die and that's fine you need to make up your decision I don't reach out to anybody and if someone happens to get it out of me how much I hate this life and my plans on killing this body I'll tell them the truth and I don't care and then I ignore what they say especially the bullshit of how they'll miss me and how precious this piece of shit life is you need to make up your mind I have I don't reach out to anybody