Help how can I understand myself better?

[kitch]

never had to fight addiction but my reduced life concept not being able to let anybody close to me created in the last years this image in my head that i have built up a labyrinth of my mind/myself and don't have a tiny clue where to go.

It is tricky .

We have to negotiate the "gut feeling" and the "am I tricking myself ?" vibe.

Maybe that is the tension /friction of the human experience ?

We have an organic meat packet wrapped in a cultural artificial flavour .

For example , I am indebted to ideas about CPTSD , trauma from childhood ... (how the BODY stores trauma ... weird stuff ) triggering panic attacks and primarily installing permanent depression as a default coping mechanism ( depression worked for me because I kept out of trouble ! Neat and tidy and respectful and well adjusted and FUCKING DEAD INSIDE .)

Then the wrapping of bull shit ( dominant cultural narratives of adjustment and success ) that has to be negotiated ... inside the Civilization (our version of devoting our lives to building a pyramid ... - the dollar , materialism capitalism v socialism false dichotomy , being controlled by public relations advertising .)

It's quite a thing to negotiate ...

I think it's OK to be a bit confused ...

I think it is actually healthy , although not rewarded by society .

 

[DocNo]

It is tricky .

We have to negotiate the "gut feeling" and the "am I tricking myself ?" vibe.

Maybe that is the tension /friction of the human experience ?

We have an organic meat packet wrapped in a cultural artificial flavour .

For example , I am indebted to ideas about CPTSD , trauma from childhood ... (how the BODY stores trauma ... weird stuff ) triggering panic attacks and primarily installing permanent depression as a default coping mechanism ( depression worked for me because I kept out of trouble ! Neat and tidy and respectful and well adjusted and FUCKING DEAD INSIDE .)

Then the wrapping of bull shit ( dominant cultural narratives of adjustment and success ) that has to be negotiated ... inside the Civilization (our version of devoting our lives to building a pyramid ... - the dollar , materialism capitalism v socialism false dichotomy , being controlled by public relations advertising .)

It's quite a thing to negotiate ...

I think it's OK to be a bit confused ...

I think it is actually healthy , although not rewarded by society .

yeah - with age all this shit gets really complicated.

i am also amazed how the body stores emotion. i realized that it doesn't help me to understand things when this things are still not emotionally solved. it sometimes made it more frustrating cause you feel trapped inside yourself not being able to reach the other side of the river although you see it.
and cause of this way of being stored it seems to need repeated "treatment" to change.

depression as coping mechanism sounds interesting. might also be somehow fitting for me, when i realized my behaviour in the very manic early twenties are just a way to self destruction. yeah - neat, tidy, respectful and dead inside - i can relate to this very much.

and yes - the development of society especially in the last 30-40 years made it not easier to feel better ^^

this being ok to be confused and that it is healthy but not rewarded reminds me of an article i did read some time ago about depression.
i guess just a long conclusion to your last two points.
seems i came accross the article when i was a lot reading in my preparations for ctb.

The voice of sadness is censored as sick. What if it’s sane? | Aeon Essays

We keep chasing happiness, but true clarity comes from depression and existential angst. Admit that life is hell, and be free

aeon.co

 

[kitch]

Looks like a great article.

I kind of probably agree with most of it from a quick quick skim ...
(Cognitive Dissonance is an idea I found liberating ... I don't know if it's mentioned in the article ... the idea that we purposefully do not rationally analyse things , I think , - that we "emotionally" blind our selves to "reality" to be able to continue our playing our part. ?)

Psychology (outside of marketing and mind control) is a fascinating thing.

Very strange how we Humans deal with existence .

It would be good if ideas from that article were a little more widely considered and accepted ...

I regard them as enlightened .

The trick is to integrate that objective rational perspective into our "being a human" .

I'm working on it .... ( NO I'm not ... but I kind of want to .) :)

 

[DocNo]

Looks like a great article.

I kind of probably agree with most of it from a quick quick skim ...
(Cognitive Dissonance is an idea I found liberating ... I don't know if it's mentioned in the article ... the idea that we purposefully do not rationally analyse things , I think , - that we "emotionally" blind our selves to "reality" to be able to continue our playing our part. ?)

Psychology (outside of marketing and mind control) is a fascinating thing.

Very strange how we Humans deal with existence .

It would be good if ideas from that article were a little more widely considered and accepted ...

I regard them as enlightened .

The trick is to integrate that objective rational perspective into our "being a human" .

I'm working on it .... ( NO I'm not ... but I kind of want to .) :)

this emotional blinding myself i meant with the realization that i can't look into some corners of myself and that it only seems to work with human "mirrors". and yes - it might also be some kind of protective mechanism to get not completely nuts.

yeah - life or even existence is a strange state to be in ^^
at some point i think matter based existence is just a mistake - trapping a mind inside a matter based object is just ridiculous.

the cynic in me likes to think sometimes that its just a test and humans who die as infants or even as embryos are the winners of this game and progress to the next energy based level of existence. :D
but as being an atheist it's just a funny way to see it without believing in any other form of existence we progress to.

for me this believe in higher forms of existence is just a projection of our brains to create some illusion of meaning cause the vacuum of meaninglessness seems hard to handle for many minds. but ok - now it gets offtopic.

seems i am working on it at the moment - but it's a very fluid state. one day it feels easy, another day it feels impossible.

edit: i guess humans also tend to live often in a lie if it feels more secure. for feeling safe humans seem to sacrifice a lot. so honesty and blunt reality is maybe also sometimes not wanted cause it's would be the harder pill to swallow. but don't know - maybe also only a perception out of my ivory tower ^^

 

[kitch]

this emotional blinding myself i meant with the realization that i can't look into some corners of myself and that it only seems to work with human "mirrors". and yes - it might also be some kind of protective mechanism to get not completely nuts.

Sounds like a healthy way to approach human interaction.
Again though , we have to be aware that 'others' have their own baggage .
I've been bullied and only realized that the bully was an 'extrovert' 'culturalized' bully , and just as / more fucked up than me . My favourite word is nuance.

seems i am working on it at the moment - but it's a very fluid state. one day it feels easy, another day it feels impossible.

edit: i guess humans also tend to live often in a lie if it feels more secure. for feeling safe humans seem to sacrifice a lot. so honesty and blunt reality is maybe also sometimes not wanted cause it's would be the harder pill to swallow. but don't know - maybe also only a perception out of my ivory tower ^^

I had the weirdest thought yesterday associated with mortality.
It's pro-lifer propoganda ... the idea that life is precious because it is temporary.
I began life as a religious fundamentalist so I am obsessed with God and all that woo woo stuff ... decreasingly emotionally involved , but still fascinated .

I know it's yucky sounding ... but I've been really getting into the idea of other intelligence's ... Octopus is my fave at the moment.

So I think I am alluding to the idea that our every experience inside 'the miracle of existence' is possibly , depending on one's perspective ... kind of amazing .

I get all the negatives ... don't get me started ! Life is a horror show ,,, but but but
If we abandoned the universal anthropocentrism and adopted a personal anthrpocentrism then maybe that would help.

(We fuck the world by promoting human shit over everything else , at the same time we don't indulge the amazing detailed nuance of every human individuals experience ... such a weird dichotomy .)

We can get more out of thinking a lot less , and expecting a lot less from ourselves , maybe ? We're just critters !

What do we have to do ? Grow fir and a tail? Or tentacles ?

:)

(My ivory tower is plush as fuck )(No-one else can see it though .)

 

[DocNo]

Sounds like a healthy way to approach human interaction.
Again though , we have to be aware that 'others' have their own baggage .
I've been bullied and only realized that the bully was an 'extrovert' 'culturalized' bully , and just as / more fucked up than me . My favourite word is nuance.

I had the weirdest thought yesterday associated with mortality.
It's pro-lifer propoganda ... the idea that life is precious because it is temporary.
I began life as a religious fundamentalist so I am obsessed with God and all that woo woo stuff ... decreasingly emotionally involved , but still fascinated .

I know it's yucky sounding ... but I've been really getting into the idea of other intelligence's ... Octopus is my fave at the moment.

So I think I am alluding to the idea that our every experience inside 'the miracle of existence' is possibly , depending on one's perspective ... kind of amazing .

I get all the negatives ... don't get me started ! Life is a horror show ,,, but but but
If we abandoned the universal anthropocentrism and adopted a personal anthrpocentrism then maybe that would help.

(We fuck the world by promoting human shit over everything else , at the same time we don't indulge the amazing detailed nuance of every human individuals experience ... such a weird dichotomy .)

We can get more out of thinking a lot less , and expecting a lot less from ourselves , maybe ? We're just critters !

What do we have to do ? Grow fir and a tail? Or tentacles ?

:)

(My ivory tower is plush as fuck )(No-one else can see it though .)

yeah - the baggage of others - my self chosen isolation from human interaction and also being maybe egocentric (thanx family ^^) makes it sometimes a bit hard to see the other point cause i seem to relate it always to my perspective.

and i was also bullied and pretty much completely destroyed by an bully who seems to have transfered all his negativity to me while sucking out my energy. since then i understand the symbol of vampires or it at least became to me this symbol. and cause of my family background i had no defense against it combined with being a pothead at that time smoking far too much pot had a pretty devastating effect which did lead to nearly completely reseting myself. for some time it felt i look into the mirror and see nothing in it.

yes it is for sure a very weird dichotomy - but i guess this tension between being still animals and also the intelligence to reflect on that seems to lead to some insane behaviour to have somehow the illusion to be in control. but don't know - i guess i would like to be more "vulcan" and less "human". i like sometimes the image of trying to explore more our minds (a bit like monks etc) before we go crazy to explore space.

this high expectations from ourselves is also fed by the development of our society maybe since cultural development began. it sometimes feels we try to run as fast as possible without knowing where we even wanna run :D but don't know. on the other hand in terms of trying to secure mankind we are don't do so bad, meaning that the chances are quite ok that we colonize at some point somewhere else. my cynic me would prefer that we extinct before that happens cause the price to use most of us just as cannon fodder is pretty high.

but however. i guess i am too tired already to bring some really constructive and well thought thing to the table for today. so this might be a bit all over the place now. :D

 

[kitch]

i like sometimes the image of trying to explore more our minds (a bit like monks etc) before we go crazy to explore space.

I'm down with that .

You sound like you need some sleep ... or at least pause this "high brow ivory tower " stuff ...we can 'back and forth' again some other time .

I like raving about this stuff !

Thanks !

 

[DocNo]

I'm down with that .

You sound like you need some sleep ... or at least pause this "high brow ivory tower " stuff ...we can 'back and forth' again some other time .

I like raving about this stuff !

Thanks !

there is nothing wrong with a little brain jerking in the middle of the night :D

cu :)

 

[Livingvsdying25]

Wow, really interesting reads and great to hear so many different perspectives. Def relate to a lot as well.