My recovery journal

[Cloud Busting]

As many of you know, I was once pinkribbonscars.

My story is a sad one. As you would expect from someone here. And I was tired. Tired of existing and not being able to live.

I tried to hold on and everything kept getting worse. I couldn't function at all. I was ashamed. I was angry at the world, at systemic oppression, and I wanted my death to be heroic, a battle cry to help people like me abandoned and in need.

Now I just can't project that kinda pain and trauma onto the world anymore. Yet I can't live like this. I have three choices:

1. Be an addict
2. CTB
3. Recover

Not everyone has the privilege to recover. I understand to have the social supports I have, I am lucky and it makes it doable for me. Not everyone can be like me. It's also so hard. Sometimes it doesn't feel worth it. It's tiring. It's why social supports help, and once again, if you lack that, don't feel bad, and I don't blame you for anything you do. I am not better than you. You are you, and I am me.

I just know how much my story impacted people. I don't want a stained legacy. I don't want to think about that time with pain. I want to move on.

I'm healing. I'm lucky. If you want to heal, you can join me. Ask me anything.

Leaving the sanctuary. It's not conducive to my recovery. But my past actions are killing me.

I want to make it right.to everyone and everything.


Especially to myself.

 

[timf]

It can be difficult to summon the resolve to turn things around. However, in addition to resolve, it can be helpful to experiment with different things to see if one can discover a particular activity or approach that works better than another. The discovery of things that work can help sustain and build momentum towards recovery.

 

[Cloud Busting]

@Hystearical

Just tagging you so you can know where I'm at and what I'm up to today. Hope you're well.

Hard day today. It hurts to admit I'm experiencing trauma, yet protecting myself from deep pain with dissociation and numbing, or lashing out, is not helping. Idk. Imma go. Life be shit. But imma get thru.

PTSD sucks no wonder I was in denial for so long I'm not even angry at myself anymore I'm happy I'm doing anything at all

@_AllCatsAreGrey_

Hello, wonder if you could relate. Anyone I tag is not obliged to respond. I will not take it personally if you don't. Just my way of checking in and saying hi <3

 

[RawRX3]

I relate to that a lot about the wanting to do something meaningful before things happen, especially for those that hadn't had the support and care they should've had

I hope you continue to progress and find your self more alive the next day than the one before <3

Thank you for sharing, it's always nice to hear good things too! ^^

 

[Cloud Busting]

I relate to that a lot about the wanting to do something meaningful before things happen, especially for those that hadn't had the support and care they should've had

I hope you continue to progress and find your self more alive the next day than the one before <3

Thank you for sharing, it's always nice to hear good things too! ^^

Be careful with that. It can become a savior complex where you need to save others in order to be worthy. For me it was a way to avoid my own problems, but really only you can save yourself. And the less you suffer, the less others suffer. It's hard not to get wrapped up in other's problems, or to feel like you're alienating them if you can't help. I try to now validate people's struggling and needs while being honest about my own limitations and needs.

Being vulnerable is horrifying, and impossible to do alone. It's a risk to be vulnerable, it will hurt you. However it hurts even more to remain silent and in hiding. I'm glad I am surrounded around amazing people. I'd continue to self destruct if I wasn't. I'm lucky

It's up and down. Sometimes I feel alive and excited to live, a lust for life. Other times I feel like I'm dead inside and can't go through this anymore. It's hard. Recovery fucking sucks ass lol.

Music is the only thing that gets me through sometimes. Great discovery:




"You have to want it and see it so clearly, so when your heart breaks, you have what it takes to push on and get through the pain when you're weary."

It's not about things going good, but knowing you can find strength if you want it and don't have it inside yourself. You can push through and succeed even when it hurts.

 

[RawRX3]

Be careful with that. It can become a savior complex where you need to save others in order to be worthy. For me it was a way to avoid my own problems, but really only you can save yourself. And the less you suffer, the less others suffer. It's hard not to get wrapped up in other's problems, or to feel like you're alienating them if you can't help. I try to now validate people's struggling and needs while being honest about my own limitations and needs.

Being vulnerable is horrifying, and impossible to do alone. It's a risk to be vulnerable, it will hurt you. However it hurts even more to remain silent and in hiding. I'm glad I am surrounded around amazing people. I'd continue to self destruct if I wasn't. I'm lucky

It's up and down. Sometimes I feel alive and excited to live, a lust for life. Other times I feel like I'm dead inside and can't go through this anymore. It's hard. Recovery fucking sucks ass lol.

Music is the only thing that gets me through sometimes. Great discovery:




"You have to want it and see it so clearly, so when your heart breaks, you have what it takes to push on and get through the pain when you're weary."

It's not about things going good, but knowing you can find strength if you want it and don't have it inside yourself. You can push through and succeed even when it hurts.

I don't feel guilty for not saving people, but I also can't stand watching so many people suffer. I definitely self sacrifice in a lot of ways for it and I totally agree it's often one way I avoid my own problems, I even do it more when I think there's no hope for me to make it out because if things go south enough one day I want to have tried my best to help others escape that feeling even if I couldn't.

I'd probably say rather than a savior complex I have a martyrdom complex XD

I hope I can follow your advice more though, it def applies fully <3 And I waited a long time for someone to notice I was drowning and no one ever did. I'm the only one that can save me, whether I can do it or not is hard to tell but I know I have to make the choice, no one else can or will for me. ^^

Thank you for sharing to help me <3 <3

 

[Cloud Busting]

I hate therapy. Holy fuck. I absolutely hate it. To me it's brutal, a sad reflection of our society, a necessary evil that should just be a basic right… but is not sadly.

I'm sorry but all it is is developing a relationship with someone who provides you healthy and supportive boundaries, someone who listens (if you get a good one… many prefer to dole out advice, opinions, and homework ) They help you build up enough trust and confidence and clarity and insight and educate you on options you were perhaps unaware of. Then you can use these basic needs the therapist gave you that you sadly lacked in real life to be independent and help yourself.


Why are they treated like messiahs. If we praise therapists more than clients themselves, there's a problem. Ppl literally worship them like powerful almighty beings for sure, and some sure see themselves that way. Knew teachers who were like that too. I don't want to be treated like a weakling needed a high quality expert to show me the way. I hate being controlled, I dislike the power imbalances of the mental health field, don't even get me started.

And guess what? I'm venting to deflect from the problem. I yelled at my therapist and hung up on her within 5 minutes. Therapy is horrible. It's made me unlock memories I forgot about and I lashed out instead of being honest I was scared. I feel guilty. Like i don't deserve her. I am scared to write her an email. I'm embarrassed

 

[RawRX3]

I know it feels embarrassing but it's an honestly pretty understandable reaction when you're working through high emotion and potentially traumatic things. I don't think you should feel shame or guilt and your therapist is equipped to understand and handle this kind of thing, it happens <3

It'll be okay, promise! Support and care <3 <3

 

[sciatic214899]

Wishing you all the best in your recovery! You are strong enough to schedule another session if you believe it's right for you, no matter how long it takes. A good therapist won't fault you for that sort of reaction in therapy.

 

[Cloud Busting]

Wishing you all the best in your recovery! You are strong enough to schedule another session if you believe it's right for you, no matter how long it takes. A good therapist won't fault you for that sort of reaction in therapy.

God it's difficult. Today has been rough. My ability to function has been far less I have hardly any energy to do anything and I'm in so much pain and just such an irritable asshole to be around

So of course I freaked out thinking it was making me worse

lol

The constant shame I feel is apart of the problem.

I've had therapists struggle to deal with me, I've been labeled non compliant, punished for bad behavior, morally lectured… bad notes written about me on my record…. I've been restrained, referred out, kicked out, cuz a lot of facilities and or therapists disliked working with me or couldn't handle me…

I'm so terrified and I want to quit but avoidance behavior makes unprocessed trauma worse so


Thank god for bf

 

[RawRX3]

God it's difficult. Today has been rough. My ability to function has been far less I have hardly any energy to do anything and I'm in so much pain and just such an irritable asshole to be around

So of course I freaked out thinking it was making me worse

lol

The constant shame I feel is apart of the problem.

I've had therapists struggle to deal with me, I've been labeled non compliant, punished for bad behavior, morally lectured… bad notes written about me on my record…. I've been restrained, referred out, kicked out, cuz a lot of facilities and or therapists disliked working with me or couldn't handle me…

I'm so terrified and I want to quit but avoidance behavior makes unprocessed trauma worse so


Thank god for bf

That's crazy am srry >_<


if you want someone to body-double with maybe I can help. We could struggle to do things together! XD

But I feel stuck in that state a lot. It makes doing things feel impossible :,\

 

[Cloud Busting]

I went, all was chill.

Dealing with financial shit. Everything I did to kill myself ruined me financially, and then to deal with that stress I turned to drugs, which ruined me more

I'm feeling like trying to climb out of this hole… is impossible and I want to give up every single day

This is what people aren't getting. It's not a happy miracle I failed… honestly my life is worse than it was before I tried to ctb! I still wish it would have worked… cuz I have to act like I'm happy and moved on, nah, I'm still paying the consequences to this day

 

[RawRX3]

I hate that side of society that wants to say "you're all fixed" as if everything is gone, like it was all a bad dream. It's never that clean cut and you can't force people to pretend away the experiences they had, they were real for a reason and they deserve to be preserved as the person wishes them to be, not hushed away forcibly

Support <3 >_<

I'm in financial ruin too because of my illnesses. I had a lot going okay and then I crashed and burn and everything disappeared. It's not just getting better, it's reclaiming life from the clutches of whatever hell we're coming back from. There's definitely a lot of reasons healing is hard, but I'm still rooting for you every step <3 Always hoping and wish for the best to happen for you, whatever that may be to you!

 

[Cloud Busting]

So i really like using scales and inventory to track trends and patterns over time.

My double depression breakdown episode that started around March/April of 2023 and started to stabilize in September was a 53 on the beck scale, which is pretty steep. It dipped down to around 23-25, and stayed there for awhile. Then it was a 17! Holy shit mild depression why and how. Then trauma treatment gets intense and it jumped to 28.

This is common, happens to about 20% of patients with ptsd receiving treatment. However, one thing is I can feel. I don't feel dead and empty. Even when I feel like shit, I feel alive. This is crazy.

Sometimes getting better doesn't feel good. It hurts. Never forget that.

 

[never mind me]

I'm happy for you that you are doing trauma therapy. Keep going. As you have already written it is not uncommon for things to get worse before they get better, when you start processing your trauma. Although I have never done trauma therapy (I was too scared to confide in a therapist, so I just dealt with things by myself and with the help of friends) I remember my mental state being extremely unstable and intrusive memories getting more and worse for a while when I had to confront the abuse I had suffered in my childhood. In my experience blocking out stuff can work for a while, even years, until it suddenly doesn't and then you just need to somehow confront it, if you don't want it to destroy you. If you keep going I am pretty confident you will get better eventually.

 

[Cloud Busting]

I'm happy for you that you are doing trauma therapy. Keep going. As you have already written it is not uncommon for things to get worse before they get better, when you start processing your trauma. Although I have never done trauma therapy (I was too scared to confide in a therapist, so I just dealt with things by myself and with the help of friends) I remember my mental state being extremely unstable and intrusive memories getting more and worse for a while when I had to confront the abuse I had suffered in my childhood. In my experience blocking out stuff can work for a while, even years, until it suddenly doesn't and then you just need to somehow confront it, if you don't want it to destroy you. If you keep going I am pretty confident you will get better eventually.

Thank you for the support. It's difficult when you're dealing with complex trauma. I think that's what made this so difficult since the abuse was repeated throughout different contexts and relationships. It's not just one thing you know?

Honestly no one can carry this alone, no matter how much the media and wider society and culture says you should just suck it up. Even a therapist can't carry it alone. They have their own therapy and support networks.

Ppl might shit on you for being DIY but institutional trauma is not something people really understand. Therapists won't judge and are an unbiased third party! I know @UltraAlter sees them as neutral but many have their own biases I feel. A good therapist shouldn't feel responsible for fixing you or direct your recovery timeline or vantage point. But I prefer therapy as exploration, a self-actualization practice, so it may be a matter of preference. Some people prefer guidelines and protocols. Parameters to work with.

As long as you benefit, that's what matters. I see a therapist because my load is too heavy for my family and friends to bare. I don't blame them, it's too much for me as well. She helps me articulate it due to her specific knowledge and training and it makes it easier for me and my clan to understand.

Honestly if you don't have proper support trauma treatment is impossible hence why many bury it for years. Isolation kills. I'll never judge someone for struggling. They've gotten it enough I'm sure.

I love btw how all of the mainstream pop emo and scene bands I like fizzled out except Paramore. I quit calling them my favorite band cuz my mom got hammered and we were late and only got to see no doubt. she never understood why I liked Paramore so much and I thought I missed my chance. Yet they've evolved and grown and I actually get a chance now this is amazing I can now admit Paramore is my favorite band without being filled up with pain.



I feel this way every day. She never quit being angry but she grew up and changed what she's angry about. I love it

 

[UltraAlter]

Thank you for the support. It's difficult when you're dealing with complex trauma. I think that's what made this so difficult since the abuse was repeated throughout different contexts and relationships. It's not just one thing you know?

Honestly no one can carry this alone, no matter how much the media and wider society and culture says you should just suck it up. Even a therapist can't carry it alone. They have their own therapy and support networks.

Ppl might shit on you for being DIY but institutional trauma is not something people really understand. Therapists won't judge and are an unbiased third party! I know @UltraAlter sees them as neutral but many have their own biases I feel. A good therapist shouldn't feel responsible for fixing you or direct your recovery timeline or vantage point. But I prefer therapy as exploration, a self-actualization practice, so it may be a matter of preference. Some people prefer guidelines and protocols. Parameters to work with.

As long as you benefit, that's what matters. I see a therapist because my load is too heavy for my family and friends to bare. I don't blame them, it's too much for me as well. She helps me articulate it due to her specific knowledge and training and it makes it easier for me and my clan to understand.

Honestly if you don't have proper support trauma treatment is impossible hence why many bury it for years. Isolation kills. I'll never judge someone for struggling. They've gotten it enough I'm sure.

I love btw how all of the mainstream pop emo and scene bands I like fizzled out except Paramore. I quit calling them my favorite band cuz my mom got hammered and we were late and only got to see no doubt. she never understood why I liked Paramore so much and I thought I missed my chance. Yet they've evolved and grown and I actually get a chance now this is amazing I can now admit Paramore is my favorite band without being filled up with pain.



I feel this way every day. She never quit being angry but she grew up and changed what she's angry about. I love it

Oh don't get me wrong, I definitely don't see them all as neutral. Some definitely have biases. That's human nature I supposed. I went through many terribly therapists before I found one that actually worked for me.
I feel much the same as you. They're good for self exploration, growth, and outside view on things.

Man, I used to LOVE Paramore. I haven't listen to any of their new stuff though. Nothing past about 2012
Such good memories listening to them but. When I was in college I made this horribly embarrassing video to misery business. My best friend and I still laugh about it. God we did some cringy shit when we were young. Good times though.

 

[Cloud Busting]

@UltraAlter That just shows where you were at and I'm sure you and your friends have grown since then. We're all cringe really, I just own it lol

I am starting lamictal tomorrow and I'm nervous but my anger management issues are out of control. Succumbing to mind control and becoming a brainwashed sheeple I guess

 

[NZkiwi]

I am starting lamictal tomorrow and I'm nervous but my anger management issues are out of control.

ayy been reading your journal for a while, glad your on a nice recovery journey

i was on lamotragine/lamictal as well for a little while many years ago and i found it helpful

your milage may vary

keen to hear your updates

 

[UltraAlter]

@UltraAlter That just shows where you were at and I'm sure you and your friends have grown since then. We're all cringe really, I just own it lol

I am starting lamictal tomorrow and I'm nervous but my anger management issues are out of control. Succumbing to mind control and becoming a brainwashed sheeple I guess

Haha it's cringy now, but at the time it was a lot of fun.. now it's funny. So it's a win either way

I was on that for a brief time but turns out I'm allergic so broke out in a rash. I hope it works well for you do you do anything to help with your anger issues?

 

[Cloud Busting]

@UltraAlter i don't really know what do for my anger issues honestly lol

I think it has a lot to do with shielding fear shame and being rejected for such feelings. Or frustration yeah.

Feel better today after session

@NZkiwi arent you bipolar this is supposed to be for anger so it really scares me Idk

I still haven't picked it up. Just feeling too much. So exhausted.

 

[never mind me]

I'm glad you are feeling a bit better.
I don't know your reasons for extreme anger, but I could imagine it might also be a side effect of confronting your trauma. At least it can be a symptom of (C)PTSD. And I remember being easily angered and even becoming physically violent on a few occasions when I dealt with a lot of intrusive memories from my childhood. And normally I am not a person that is that angry or impulsive.

 

[NZkiwi]

I still haven't picked it up. Just feeling too much. So exhausted.

work on your own time line

no need to be tied to the timeline of others

if i may share an observation, reading your posts iver several threads i see a common theme of feel ?something (anxious/pressured/overwwhelmed idk you tell me? when there is obligation

not a doctor here - (i need more info lol, a fat paychrckbut from personal and processional experience ive noticed in myself (and others this is also a symptom of adhd.

i have dual diagnosis bipolar and adhd, and my adhd medication works when i take it.

your milage will vary

bipolar this is supposed to be for anger so it really scares me Idk

what did your doctor say it was for?

do you trust them?

imho worth giving a shot,

may i ask what youre scared of?

 

[Cloud Busting]

Ok I don't like quoting on my phone gonna be honest. I could but I've gotten lazy.

@NZkiwi great observation! I'm so annoyed with ppl providing evaluations… observations and questions are more interesting. Closure makes me anxious though.

Yes I do have adhd! I have meds. But like @never mind me also mentioned I have chronic ptsd, primarily from child abuse, also SA. It's mostly guilt, and it's mostly shame, cuz I don't feel I deserved to be so shocked and disturbed. I was also belittled and told to suck it up or that I had nothing to stress over… I've carried these core beliefs with me for ages.

Obligation is my worry! I hate obligations cuz I'm super flaky and questioning, and I also am a total softie and a sucker. Pressure is often the thing that motivates me to get shit done. I do my best work when i have 24 hours to do this boring thing and I'll get a major consequence if I don't… haha it's great. Oh shit I will get fired gotta do it that's right pressure on…

Yet I crack under peer pressure. I hate being guilted or lectured, I hate feeling like I'm letting ppl down, hurting them, when I don't do it their way. Or being "warned" and then getting "I told you so!" God, just let me figure stuff out, try things, let it blow up in my face, and then find a way. Understand it's not personal! I hate "owing" people things. Having duties. And then I'm "defiant" or "lazy"
for not meeting these standards.

Any tips on how to deal with this?

Also I am sadly violent, I have a temper… so the treatment has made the anger worse. God. And I'm afraid I will turn into a fat sluggish slowed down uncreative zombie on lamictal…

 

[Cloud Busting]

Ugh

I hate financially struggling. I hate that I'm severely burnt out from work and can't afford a proper vacation. I hate not working and then hating myself for not being productive. Stop throwing up in the toilet and panicking over bs trauma. Get the fuck over it. Your boyfriend has a real disease, you have weakness of character and a lack of will and resilience you stupid piece of shit. Boo hoo bad things happened to you that's life life universally sucks for everyone get used to it and suck it up buttercup you ain't special

I had rent money and now I don't and I'm late and what am I gonna do. I have a boyfriend I care for, so I can't lose my place and be homeless and do hard drugs all day like I planned prior if things went to shit. I hate being in love. How can I make $184 today oh my god thanks that dumb bill cuz of my credit being ruined is why I don't have rent money


I ruined my money trying to ctb and then ruined it more laying around not working and then turning to drugs and like god. I got rid of most of my belongings and being told it's "just stuff" what fucking imaginary fantasy land do you live in. They were living essentials. Now I got to replace all this stuff? To live? And like

Money is necessary to survive. The love of life alone won't get you through. I had $10,000 wtf is my problem

But I love my boyfriend too much ok. I can't do it. I can't just let myself be evicted and go live on the street. I hate love.