Help Struggling badly …need advice…

[siouxsie]

After not feeling all that awful lately, I'm struggling badly right now.. maybe typing this and just getting it out will help. I'd also appreciate your honest thoughts on this..

I have borderline pd, so I guess I'm not an easy person to be around all the time. I'm currently on a consistently high stress level with university exams during this week and next. So I'm constantly revising and stressing out whilst also taking care of household chores and kids all while doing a clinical study for my thesis. Feeling like shit and stressed to the max but trying to keep this away from everyone around me.
So I come home after the first round of exams today, feeling bad cause I didn't perform as well as expected. I was expecting to come home to a husband that would comfort me. In reality I come home to my husband yelling at me cause I've been gone almost all day (true, but because I had exams to sit) and telling me that I need to cancel appointments with participants for my clinical trial tomorrow, cause I can't be gone all day everyday leaving him having to take care of what I usually on a daily basis. Apparently i need to clean the house, play with the kids and tidy up his office and do his taxes rather than studying and doing my trial. He says that's more important. Am I really as bad a person as he says?
Yes, exam weeks are hell. But I'm not gone all day for fun. I'm doing my clinical trial now because I can study while the participants do what they need to. That way I'll be done when exams are over and will have 4 weeks off to spend with my family.
And yes, not being able to spend time with my kids for 1 1/2 weeks sucks, but they are old enough to understand why I'm busy.

Long story short, I feel like a piece of shit. It's impossible to do everything at the same time and no matter what I do it's never good enough and never the right thing. If I cancel my appointments and put household chores before studying I'm going to fail exams and possibly a number of participants.
If I don't cancel and keep studying I'm gonna be yelled at all day for doing so..
I just don't know what's right and wrong anymore. And typing this I realize I sound like a teenager rather than the 30+ year old that I am. I don't know where went wrong for my life to turn out this way

 

[Musiclover338]

have u tried getting a new husband

 

[bagel12]

After not feeling all that awful lately, I'm struggling badly right now.. maybe typing this and just getting it out will help. I'd also appreciate your honest thoughts on this..

I have borderline pd, so I guess I'm not an easy person to be around all the time. I'm currently on a consistently high stress level with university exams during this week and next. So I'm constantly revising and stressing out whilst also taking care of household chores and kids all while doing a clinical study for my thesis. Feeling like shit and stressed to the max but trying to keep this away from everyone around me.
So I come home after the first round of exams today, feeling bad cause I didn't perform as well as expected. I was expecting to come home to a husband that would comfort me. In reality I come home to my husband yelling at me cause I've been gone almost all day (true, but because I had exams to sit) and telling me that I need to cancel appointments with participants for my clinical trial tomorrow, cause I can't be gone all day everyday leaving him having to take care of what I usually on a daily basis. Apparently i need to clean the house, play with the kids and tidy up his office and do his taxes rather than studying and doing my trial. He says that's more important. Am I really as bad a person as he says?
Yes, exam weeks are hell. But I'm not gone all day for fun. I'm doing my clinical trial now because I can study while the participants do what they need to. That way I'll be done when exams are over and will have 4 weeks off to spend with my family.
And yes, not being able to spend time with my kids for 1 1/2 weeks sucks, but they are old enough to understand why I'm busy.

Long story short, I feel like a piece of shit. It's impossible to do everything at the same time and no matter what I do it's never good enough and never the right thing. If I cancel my appointments and put household chores before studying I'm going to fail exams and possibly a number of participants.
If I don't cancel and keep studying I'm gonna be yelled at all day for doing so..
I just don't know what's right and wrong anymore. And typing this I realize I sound like a teenager rather than the 30+ year old that I am. I don't know where went wrong for my life to turn out this way

i'm so sorry you're going through this :( it sounds like you are dealing with many stressors and responsibilities at one time. do your best with exams, but ultimately if things don't go as well as you hoped, it isn't the end of the world. there is always another chance.

you are not doing anything wrong here. you are not a piece of shit. you are putting in immense effort to improve your life and to improve your family's circumstances. it is very impressive and admirable that you are doing advanced schooling while also taking care of a family!

back when i had a partner who was dealing with exams, i would support them, cheer them on, clean their room, and buy them a nice meal or a present, i would never yell at them! honestly a partner should NEVER yell at you. they should wait to address the issue until they can communicate calmly and respectfully, and they should treat you like an equal. from what you've written, i worry that you are in an abusive relationship.

having a partner should reduce your stress and workload, because you can split responsibilities and support each other. a partner is supposed to make life easier. but it sounds like his presence INCREASES your stress and workload and makes your life more difficult. he wants you to tidy up his room? he sounds like another child you have to take care of, not an adult partner who does his half of the housework and mental load. and he yells instead of controlling his emotions? again, to me this sounds more like a child's behavior than an adult's.

please do not cancel the appointments with the clinical trial participants. can you study at a library or something, so you can study without being yelled at?

does he monitor your devices? if not, when he yells at you, can you secretly and safely record it on your phone, so you have it as evidence? do you have a separate bank account you can put money into? and are there hotlines for domestic abuse in your area, where you could ask for advice?