Yes I do really want to die, believe it or not ! I would gladly give up all my fortune, my house, my car, my bank account, if I could find ONE reason to keep me alive - a meaningful relationship, or some purpose, some plan to make the world a better place and not just reap financial profits from it. But all I seem to be able to be good at is to make more money and spend it on myself. I do not get any pleasure from philanthropic deeds. I do not get any pleasure from the friendship I get (yes, I do have friends, and they even care about me, which makes me feel even worse !). I do not like to be loved. I liked being in love, and love gave me purpose. But it has always turned out that love was a one-way-street - I loved, and I was wrong to think I was being loved back for it. I could stand life without much pleasure but just absence of pain, but there is too much mental pain now, and recently a lot of real physical pain thanks to incurable but not lethal diseases has come on top of that. Too much to bear, sorry, I am not a hero !
