Venting Has being adopted also affected you most if not all your life?

[Iris Blue]

I'm sure it would have an impact on anyone one way or another. But have there ever been any specific instances that you think or know definitely was created from being adopted or going through the foster care system?

I am early 20s, I was adopted at a very young age (I was left outside a building in a different country without any information on my birth parents) and my adoptive parents always made sure that I grew up knowing where I came from but also making sure I knew I was still apart of their family as their own daughter. Sure it was exciting having an extra holiday (my adoption day) to celebrate every year and to get a better understanding of where I came from.

But there were still some struggles here and there and although I am glad my parents let me know I was adopted when I was young (so I wouldn't have to be told the obvious as I grew older that my parents were white and I was not), there was still more to it.

But one thing that has been apart of me that I never really noticed or understood until later on is how much I've been looking for a mother figure. Whether it was through teachers, family friends, even my own friends parents. I would always want to be near them and give them gifts to show my appreciation. And even if I were to see a mother figure on tv who seemed like a really good parent I'd be envious of a fictional character and their fictional family. It has gotten out of hand many times and a lot of the time I think back and just can't understand why or feel so much embarrassment. It still hasn't stopped. I never knew my birth mother and I had a very bad and toxic relationship with my adoptive mom. I feel incomplete and lost.

But now I don't want to celebrate my adoption day anymore. It makes me mad and upset wishing my birth mother just let me die. I really don't want to sound ungrateful to anyone but I feel like it was a waste for everyone to do those extra steps to give me a "better life" when all I'm going to do is throw it away soon anyways. Feeling this loss and incompleteness without being able to have someone to look up to and to go and ask for help and guidance through all the confusing and uncomfortable questions about life that only a mom would know makes it feel even more alone.

I feel bad for wasting everyone's time but I cant keep going on with these kind of thoughts everyday. Hopefully I didn't rant too much thank you if you read this far.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I wasn't adopted let alone transracially adopted so I can't speak to that but I was reading about this topic. It's hard to fully imagine the kind of effects that adopted status can have on your psyche but it's clear it that has the potential to be quite traumatic.

There are a lot of instances like yours where people's anguish is inextricably tied to their entry into the world. People routinely underestimate just how powerful that is. It really informs the entire way you relate to the world.

But now I don't want to celebrate my adoption day anymore. It makes me mad and upset wishing my birth mother just let me die. I really don't want to sound ungrateful to anyone but I feel like it was a waste for everyone to do those extra steps to give me a "better life" when all I'm going to do is throw it away soon anyways. Feeling this loss and incompleteness without being able to have someone to look up to and to go and ask for help and guidance through all the confusing and uncomfortable questions about life that only a mom would know makes it feel even more alone.

I feel bad for wasting everyone's time but I cant keep going on with these kind of thoughts everyday. Hopefully I didn't rant too much thank you if you read this far.

It sounds very understandable that you don't want to celebrate adoption day any more for those reasons and that you have lingering grief surrounding it. Gratitude isn't a panacea and is frankly overrated. You shouldn't be berated for having these feelings in the guise of being "ungrateful". It's not like anyone knew when you were a young child that you would be seriously contemplating CTB years down the line. It is true death of a child no matter fhe manner does represent a "wasted investment" for the parents but sometimes investments don't work out and it's not like this outcome could have firmly been predicted.

You're not wasting anyone's time.

 

[ropearoundatree]

Yes, I would say that it has... though curiously, or interestingly, for me anyway--I was "lucky," in that I had really great (adoptive) parents & thus, was raised in a very loving family. Also, given that I was a minority & grew up in a small town. I was extremely fortunate to have had a number of good friends, who were more on the popular side of things, and therefore, did not suffer the abuse I most likely would have in other circumstances. That said, it wasn't until I left those familiar & comfortable confines, where I was ('more or less') accepted as one of them - or the same - given that I grew up with them, and so they didn't see me as much, or great of a stranger, and certainly not as an alien or anything along those lines. However, when I moved away to a bigger town & eventually city, where I did not have that to fall back on. It's not like things went completely to heck. But there was a distinct difference. Now, all of a sudden, in spite me being hardly any different than anyone else culturally, my look or appearance suddenly became front & center. And never really again was an inescapable topic of discussion. I am about twice your age for reference. Now, I was able to still establish healthy relationships (mainly in the form of friends & coworkers, etc.) - however, I still really felt that there was now a new barrier there to overcome, and also, in addition to, it never really was as innocent as it was for me growing up in that sacred little community. Which interestingly enough, as a whole, was far more racist than any other place I'd lived! Ha~

So anyway, on your situation I can see totally why it is you have sought out a Mother figure, given your absence of birth or biological connection to & also your horrible treatment of, and relationship w/your adoptive. Interestingly, I was never given one of those (a second day of celebration). But have you tried therapy? If not, it may have some success with something like this. Though it would likely take some work, given all of the damage that has been done. That said, I'd suppose this is to be expected. I was given no information on my birth parents. I guess that was par or standard for the course of the time. It has never really bothered me, too greatly, however (the not knowing of that). I tended to get along with, and have pretty incredible relationships with women who were my mother's age as well. They were typically the mom's of my friends.

Now, I don't think it was anything like your situation, but now that you mention it. It is always something I've found curious as to why that is? Why did I put such a significant effort in trying to win (over) their affection? And why did they reply so in very favorably, kind, or kindness (w/shown) towards me? I can (now) only surmise that it might have had something to do with my Mom always being so busy with work. And therefore, absent (more so than all of my friend's mom's) from me. She also favored my sister greatly. And sung the praises of feminists wildly. Which I don't feel affected me too adversely. But were I ever to raise a child of my own. I would try to not make that mistake, so that I don't present an opportunity for mine to grow up resenting either me, or my point of view (with how strongly it is voiced in nearly every last detail of life). Just too black & white. And while it was never spoken in a shameful way towards me, in particular. Or pointed out to me in a singling out fashion. I observed her modeled behavior over & over again repeatedly. So that could be another reason why (I did that then). . .

Hope you can find some way to heal your pain. Best wishes, and good luck @Iris Blue ! :)

 

[Iris Blue]

I wasn't adopted let alone transracially adopted so I can't speak to that but I was reading about this topic. It's hard to fully imagine the kind of effects that adopted status can have on your psyche but it's clear it that has the potential to be quite traumatic.

There are a lot of instances like yours where people's anguish is inextricably tied to their entry into the world. People routinely underestimate just how powerful that is. It really informs the entire way you relate to the world.



It sounds very understandable that you don't want to celebrate adoption day any more for those reasons and that you have lingering grief surrounding it. Gratitude isn't a panacea and is frankly overrated. You shouldn't be berated for having these feelings in the guise of being "ungrateful". It's not like anyone knew when you were a young child that you would be seriously contemplating CTB years down the line. It is true death of a child no matter fhe manner does represent a "wasted investment" for the parents but sometimes investments don't work out and it's not like this outcome could have firmly been predicted.

You're not wasting anyone's time.

Thank you so much for your thoughts and input. Even though as you said you couldn't relate, your decision to still comment and even just read my post makes it all even more meaningful and I truly do appreciate it! I wish I had more to say I'm just so touched and speechless at the moment with how you worded everything so perfectly. Thank you so much you definitely helped make things more understandable and better about the situation. It really does mean a lot! :)

Yes, I would say that it has... though curiously, or interestingly, for me anyway--I was "lucky," in that I had really great (adoptive) parents & thus, was raised in a very loving family. Also, given that I was a minority & grew up in a small town. I was extremely fortunate to have had a number of good friends, who were more on the popular side of things, and therefore, did not suffer the abuse I most likely would have in other circumstances. That said, it wasn't until I left those familiar & comfortable confines, where I was ('more or less') accepted as one of them - or the same - given that I grew up with them, and so they didn't see me as much, or great of a stranger, and certainly not as an alien or anything along those lines. However, when I moved away to a bigger town & eventually city, where I did not have that to fall back on. It's not like things went completely to heck. But there was a distinct difference. Now, all of a sudden, in spite me being hardly any different than anyone else culturally, my look or appearance suddenly became front & center. And never really again was an inescapable topic of discussion. I am about twice your age for reference. Now, I was able to still establish healthy relationships (mainly in the form of friends & coworkers, etc.) - however, I still really felt that there was now a new barrier there to overcome, and also, in addition to, it never really was as innocent as it was for me growing up in that sacred little community. Which interestingly enough, as a whole, was far more racist than any other place I'd lived! Ha~

So anyway, on your situation I can see totally why it is you have sought out a Mother figure, given your absence of birth or biological connection to & also your horrible treatment of, and relationship w/your adoptive. Interestingly, I was never given one of those (a second day of celebration). But have you tried therapy? If not, it may have some success with something like this. Though it would likely take some work, given all of the damage that has been done. That said, I'd suppose this is to be expected. I was given no information on my birth parents. I guess that was par or standard for the course of the time. It has never really bothered me, too greatly, however (the not knowing of that). I tended to get along with, and have pretty incredible relationships with women who were my mother's age as well. They were typically the mom's of my friends.

Now, I don't think it was anything like your situation, but now that you mention it. It is always something I've found curious as to why that is? Why did I put such a significant effort in trying to win (over) their affection? And why did they reply so in very favorably, kind, or kindness (w/shown) towards me? I can (now) only surmise that it might have had something to do with my Mom always being so busy with work. And therefore, absent (more so than all of my friend's mom's) from me. She also favored my sister greatly. And sung the praises of feminists wildly. Which I don't feel affected me too adversely. But were I ever to raise a child of my own. I would try to not make that mistake, so that I don't present an opportunity for mine to grow up resenting either me, or my point of view (with how strongly it is voiced in nearly every last detail of life). Just too black & white. And while it was never spoken in a shameful way towards me, in particular. Or pointed out to me in a singling out fashion. I observed her modeled behavior over & over again repeatedly. So that could be another reason why (I did that then). . .

Hope you can find some way to heal your pain. Best wishes, and good luck @Iris Blue ! :)

Hi! Thank you so much for commenting and even giving your point of view too! I'm really happy for you that for the most part growing up things were fortunate for you. I can agree with you when you said living in a small town made it somewhat easy with the help of close friends to help guide the way. I hope I'm wording it correctly.

When you mentioned how as time went on and when you moved to bigger places and then it all seemed so brand new all over again and how your appearance seemed much more important or different compared to everyone else I can completely understand that. Although I'm still in (or close enough to) the small town at least for me, I definitely feel like growing older things seemed to be more clear in a way, how not being born here there can still be ways to feel different. Even if it's not intentional. Like for example I've sometimes noticed with dating here there tends to be more same race or color relationships. Which is completely fine but sometimes at least for me I feel a bit out of place when it comes to that or something. My apologies I'm trying my best to try to word things as friendly as possible for everyone. But I do have moments here and there where I question my placement here and if I really belong.

About the therapy, I did mention it to my past therapist for a little bit kind of because of issues with my feelings when I was at high school and a situation happening there. For the most part I never really talked with anyone about it definitely not my adoptive parents (unfortunately they did find out a bit about it later on). I guess just because it made me feel weird. In a way it made me feel what I was thinking or feeling was wrong. It wasn't normal at all and how I was feeling will never change and it will just make people look at me differently. I just currently feel like no matter how much I talk about it and who I talk to about it nothing will really change and although it may feel good and almost a sort of relief letting it all out it just won't fix things.

I hope I didn't skip anything but thank you again so much for your comment and taking the time to read and share your own personal story even when you didn't have to. I really do appreciate it and it was really great reading about someone else's perspective on things and having a new perspective myself. You are amazing and thank you so much from the bottom of my heart

 

[OICU812]

First of all, you're not wasting anyone's time here. We all have an equal voice here on SS.
I found your post interesting, as I myself am adopted, along with three other adopted siblings. I turned out to be the black sheep of the family. I started drinking in high school, started my drug phase in College, and even got arrested with a DWI. I always had suicidal thoughts since I was a teenager, but I kept them to myself. All I know of my biological parents is my mother gave me up when she was 18. She got pregnant by a College student. I was always curious of my biological parents, and I even signed up on 23AndMe to see if I could find them. No luck - closest relative I found was a second cousin with a 10% DNA match. I think I read somewhere that adopted children are four times more likely to commit suicide than non-adopted children. Go figure.

 

[Iris Blue]

First of all, you're not wasting anyone's time here. We all have an equal voice here on SS.
I found your post interesting, as I myself am adopted, along with three other adopted siblings. I turned out to be the black sheep of the family. I started drinking in high school, started my drug phase in College, and even got arrested with a DWI. I always had suicidal thoughts since I was a teenager, but I kept them to myself. All I know of my biological parents is my mother gave me up when she was 18. She got pregnant by a College student. I was always curious of my biological parents, and I even signed up on 23AndMe to see if I could find them. No luck - closest relative I found was a second cousin with a 10% DNA match. I think I read somewhere that adopted children are four times more likely to commit suicide than non-adopted children. Go figure.

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment I can highly relate to what you said actually. My older sister (by 3 years) is also adopted too. We weren't related and she was from a different area but we both couldn't be any more different. Although she was diagnosed with autism at a young age she never lets that get in the way of living her life in the best possible ways. She is always chatty, knows literally anyone in the main and outer family's birthdays by heart, did amazing in high school and is going to a college to study to become a doctor I believe. When there is I, barely able to make eye contact to anyone since the start, only made it through high school going through emotional support classes, and currently obsessing over ways to ctb. It also never helped how my mother openly favored my sister too and always saw my mental health as a joke. Definitely felt like a competition more than half the time growing up and still now.

I'm really sorry you went through all of that growing up I'm sure it was difficult and let me know if I'm wrong but possibly also feeling out of place a lot of the time in your own family? I also agree about the part of adopted children having more chance of being suicidal than non adopted definitely sounds familiar reading it from somewhere. I guess here's to the underdogs?