Story True Colors Revealed after suicide attempt

[pinkbluebutch]

The past year has been intense and at one point my younger brother essentially attempted suicide after my parents found out he had flunked out of school. They were both incredibly angry about him flunking out, as he had lied and faked report cards to show them, and they were helping with his tuition significantly, putting them at a financial disadvantage because of his lies. When he jumped out of a second-floor window to escape and lived but ran and hid in the nearby woods, my whole family was frightened by the affair. Despite not saying so to his face, my mother and older sisters would call me and complain about his selfishness, and how he was willing to die to avoid his problems and how manipulative he was being. It upset me greatly, especially because nobody was willing to take accountability for his poor mental health which resulted from the environment he was raised in and became worse when he got to college and was on his own. He's doing fine now, but there is still a lot of resentment within the family and I just feel helpless. Now, all of the attention that was once focused on him has been moved to me, and I can't deal with feeling like I'm under a microscope (has definitely given me a better sense of empathy for what he's dealt with basically his whole life, because while I was always able to ward off suspicion with good grades and built trust, he struggled and as the baby of the family dealt with the most attention).

It hurts to hear my own mother and sisters spit vitriol about him, especially when I struggle with the same issues he does, I've just been better at hiding it. I don't even know that my family has ever known about my depression and suicidality, as it's always been written off as anxiety and even when I began medication for that there was pushback that I didn't really need it.

I feel like a horrible sibling for abandoning my brother, as if I had been a better support for him I don't think he would've had such a difficult transition from high school to college, but I was so self absorbed that I let everything he was dealing with be forgotten. Maybe that's why my family's comments that he is selfish hurt so much, since it feels like a direct reflection back on me. I feel useless, worthless, and trapped; I can't possibly kill myself now, no matter how badly I want to.

 

[sophxy]

This sounds awful, I'm sorry you had to go through it. It's shocking to see family members (or anyone, really) respond to a suicide attempt like this. It just feels so.. detached? but I think that's because my opinions on that kind of thing are so far away from the opinions people like that have on suicidal people that I just can't even imagine what goes through their heads when they hate someone for making an attempt

If it's any comfort, you're definitely not like your family no matter how much the situation feels like a reflection on you. I'm just a stranger on the internet but as far as I can tell you wish you did better while all they're doing is spit hate. You're a better person and improving on that end, I think

 

[pinkbluebutch]

This sounds awful, I'm sorry you had to go through it. It's shocking to see family members (or anyone, really) respond to a suicide attempt like this. It just feels so.. detached? but I think that's because my opinions on that kind of thing are so far away from the opinions people like that have on suicidal people that I just can't even imagine what goes through their heads when they hate someone for making an attempt

If it's any comfort, you're definitely not like your family no matter how much the situation feels like a reflection on you. I'm just a stranger on the internet but as far as I can tell you wish you did better while all they're doing is spit hate. You're a better person and improving on that end, I think

Thank you for the kind reply! I didn't expect their response to be honest, especially since my mom majored in psychology and mental health has always mattered for her. I think their hurt manifested as anger and betrayal rather than sympathy, unfortunately. Hopefully, people will learn that being cruel to someone after a suicide attempt won't prevent further attempts, it only makes them feel more isolated.

 

[bipbapbop]

The past year has been intense and at one point my younger brother essentially attempted suicide after my parents found out he had flunked out of school. They were both incredibly angry about him flunking out, as he had lied and faked report cards to show them, and they were helping with his tuition significantly, putting them at a financial disadvantage because of his lies. When he jumped out of a second-floor window to escape and lived but ran and hid in the nearby woods, my whole family was frightened by the affair. Despite not saying so to his face, my mother and older sisters would call me and complain about his selfishness, and how he was willing to die to avoid his problems and how manipulative he was being. It upset me greatly, especially because nobody was willing to take accountability for his poor mental health which resulted from the environment he was raised in and became worse when he got to college and was on his own. He's doing fine now, but there is still a lot of resentment within the family and I just feel helpless. Now, all of the attention that was once focused on him has been moved to me, and I can't deal with feeling like I'm under a microscope (has definitely given me a better sense of empathy for what he's dealt with basically his whole life, because while I was always able to ward off suspicion with good grades and built trust, he struggled and as the baby of the family dealt with the most attention).

It hurts to hear my own mother and sisters spit vitriol about him, especially when I struggle with the same issues he does, I've just been better at hiding it. I don't even know that my family has ever known about my depression and suicidality, as it's always been written off as anxiety and even when I began medication for that there was pushback that I didn't really need it.

I feel like a horrible sibling for abandoning my brother, as if I had been a better support for him I don't think he would've had such a difficult transition from high school to college, but I was so self absorbed that I let everything he was dealing with be forgotten. Maybe that's why my family's comments that he is selfish hurt so much, since it feels like a direct reflection back on me. I feel useless, worthless, and trapped; I can't possibly kill myself now, no matter how badly I want to.

I'm so sorry for both you and your brother. It is so isolating to feel like you have to burden all of your pain and that the people you love cannot be the support that you need. You seem to have a good understanding of why your mom and sister arent really able to be safe people for you at this time. You mentioned that your brother is better now, but have you thought about connecting him about all of this? Even if he's doing better, he can probably understand what you're going through and it might be helpful to have that support from him. It might also be helpful to release some of the guilt you have about not being able to help him when he needed it.

 

[pinkbluebutch]

I'm so sorry for both you and your brother. It is so isolating to feel like you have to burden all of your pain and that the people you love cannot be the support that you need. You seem to have a good understanding of why your mom and sister arent really able to be safe people for you at this time. You mentioned that your brother is better now, but have you thought about connecting him about all of this? Even if he's doing better, he can probably understand what you're going through and it might be helpful to have that support from him. It might also be helpful to release some of the guilt you have about not being able to help him when he needed it.

I've thought about it, and I probably should reach out and connect with him. It's hard since we live in different cities and have different schedules but I know he needs me, and at this point it's the guilt/shame that keeps me away, which isn't the most fair reasoning. I think I will try to talk to him soon, once I feel more stable and have my thoughts less jumbled about.

 

[bipbapbop]

I've thought about it, and I probably should reach out and connect with him. It's hard since we live in different cities and have different schedules but I know he needs me, and at this point it's the guilt/shame that keeps me away, which isn't the most fair reasoning. I think I will try to talk to him soon, once I feel more stable and have my thoughts less jumbled about.

I hope you do. I would love to be able to hear from someone who could connect with me in this way. As someone who also struggles with a lot of guilt, I have found that a lot of the times it is either just in my head or the other person still wants to attempt to reconnect. I hope it all goes well for you.

 

[pinkbluebutch]

I hope you do. I would love to be able to hear from someone who could connect with me in this way. As someone who also struggles with a lot of guilt, I have found that a lot of the times it is either just in my head or the other person still wants to attempt to reconnect. I hope it all goes well for you.

Thank you! I don't know if I can muster up the courage or energy to call him, but I think I'll send him a text today to chat.