Goodbye thread

[Parnate]

Not doing it today . SI is real guys. Like i had lost all hope since last few months and since today morning initially I was extremely anxious and couldn't sit still and since the evening i am having unrealistic hope that life will be fine, even though deep down I know it won't be.
Hopefully the circumstances will push me soon and overpower SI

 

[Deleted member 65988]

Not doing it today . SI is real guys. Like i had lost all hope since last few months and since today morning initially I was extremely anxious and couldn't sit still and since the evening i am having unrealistic hope that life will be fine, even though deep down I know it won't be.
Hopefully the circumstances will push me soon and overpower SI

It's OK, take your time to think through this. Losing that final shred of hope isn't easy for most people no matter how much they've been teetering on the edge, hope is a part of that survival mechanism, to keep pushing along even if things aren't looking up. SI definitely is nothing easy to deal with.

 

[Parnate]

It's OK, take your time to think through this. Losing that final shred of hope isn't easy for most people no matter how much they've been teetering on the edge, hope is a part of that survival mechanism, to keep pushing along even if things aren't looking up.

This is so awful. I mean the way nature has made us. Like I never had a control over the circumstances of my life. I have always been a submissive person at the mercy of others and now I can't even control when i want to die.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

This is so awful. I mean the way nature has made us. Like I never had a control over the circumstances of my life. I have always been a submissive person at the mercy of others and now I can't even control when i want to die.

I'm sorry how things have gone, that you feel like you arent even control of a decision you seemed so sure of. Unfortunately, it's just how a survival mechanism works but it can be overcome, it's been done before but I guess in each individual case, it comes down to the the person and what may push them over the edge, to let go off that final shred of hope.

 

[Cloud Busting]

Goodbye @Parnate. Wishing you peace in whatever path you choose. I'm so sorry it's led to this, but I'm glad this community could provide you solace and a sense of belonging in your final moments.

I feel bad but they will be shocked to know I am ctbing the very next day. The HR guys think of themselves as a good judge of a person and his character etc. They will be thinking a lot cause I was in no way appearing suicidal. God bless them.

This is very astute. Suicide always comes as a shock, no matter what you do. Humans are selfish and believe they can prevent the act, and also cannot comprehend why someone would do such a thing. It always comes as a surprise. They always wonder what they could have done to save you.

I tried to leave hints before my suicide attempt. I felt like such an embarrassment, and a failure, as if I let everyone close to me down. People were not only shocked, but they thought I was doing well! I was anticipating the opposite. That I had false perceptions is why I decided not to attempt again. I think I ought to be thinking more clearly before I attempt to ctb you know.

Your emotional intelligence and empathy is clearly very high. You'll be missed.

 

[Minsu]

Hope you find peace

 

[Cloud Busting]

Not doing it today . SI is real guys. Like i had lost all hope since last few months and since today morning initially I was extremely anxious and couldn't sit still and since the evening i am having unrealistic hope that life will be fine, even though deep down I know it won't be.
Hopefully the circumstances will push me soon and overpower SI

I just saw this! Wish I would have seen this before I posted earlier.

I'm going to guess a part of you wants to live and a part of you wants to die? I could totally be projecting because that's how I feel. I'm curious where you stand.

Your paradox of hopelessness and hopefulness is so relatable. I'm going through the same thing. I'm feeling so hopeless about my career and dating situation I'm like tempted to buy another rope, but then I worry I'm being rash and it can all be sorted out.

CTB is not an easy situation. It's ok to hold it off and consider if it's for you or not. You can always do it later. CTB is here for you regardless of your path.

 

[ShinyScissors]

I am ctbing tomorrow using SN.

I had my dinner at 9 pm today. I ll wake and not eat or drink anything. Some sips of water maybe.
So i assume I ll have fasted for quite a long time .
12 pm: 1000 paracetamol
12.20 pm: 3x 10 mg metaclopramide
Meanwhile prepare 3 glasses each having 25 GM's SN using minimum water not more than 100 ml for one glass
12.55 use mouth numbing gel.
1.00 pm drink sn with benzos.

Am i missing anything??
Not having antacid or beta blockers.
Open to any suggestions. Will be active after few more hours sleeping now .

Well love you all so much, i wish i could hug you guys. I am sort of an unstable person and quite emotional. I am overwhelmed right now ,not sad but a strange feeling I can't describe. I feel a sense of belonging, attachment and carmaderie with you guys. I never cried ever in my life for parting with people, even best friends or death of family members but now I am.
It's as if we are bonded by our miseries and misfortune and death . I guess that's what makes this bond so different and maybe we can only feel it. Maybe we were born of the same cosmic womb of pain , all suffering in variety of ways and we all have one common goal.
I wish i could write more but have some errands to run.

BTW a funny incident, i had induction today at the new company i joined at. The HRs said I was the most active and involved member cause i like talking a lot, i am a chatterbox, have always been. I was asking questions, laughing at their jokes, answering their questions.
I think that was the bipolar tinge of mine, or maybe ADHD impulsivity or whatever,doesn't matter in the END nothing does.
I feel bad but they will be shocked to know I am ctbing the very next day. The HR guys think of themselves as a good judge of a person and his character etc. They will be thinking a lot cause I was in no way appearing suicidal. God bless them.

Goodluck dude! See you on the other side my friend

 

[AlouA]

i hope for the best

 

[Parnate]

I just saw this! Wish I would have seen this before I posted earlier.

I'm going to guess a part of you wants to live and a part of you wants to die? I could totally be projecting because that's how I feel. I'm curious where you stand.

Your paradox of hopelessness and hopefulness is so relatable. I'm going through the same thing. I'm feeling so hopeless about my career and dating situation I'm like tempted to buy another rope, but then I worry I'm being rash and it can all be sorted out.

CTB is not an easy situation. It's ok to hold it off and consider if it's for you or not. You can always do it later. CTB is here for you regardless of your path.

I mean the hope is slight but the desire to liev is strong. Also I still am strongly attached to materialistic things, food etc.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

I mean the hope is slight but the desire to liev is strong. Also I still am strongly attached to materialistic things, food etc.

Well the mind does try to convince us to stay for such things.

 

[SMmetalhead36]

Sending many hugs to you.

 

[Cloud Busting]

I mean the hope is slight but the desire to liev is strong. Also I still am strongly attached to materialistic things, food etc.

What drives your desire to live?

Hmm I'm drawn to art and nature. Losing the ability to enjoy these things inspired my attempt.

 

[Parnate]

What drives your desire to live?

Hmm I'm drawn to art and nature. Losing the ability to enjoy these things inspired my attempt.

Eating, entertainment, maladaptive daydreaming ( i live a life or lives that i could and can never live.

 

[Cloud Busting]

Eating, entertainment, maladaptive daydreaming ( i live a life or lives that i could and can never live.

Interesting. I will miss my imagination when I pass as well. I will miss literature, baking, the trees and the stars, sun, and moon. Music, movies, social progress. Little pleasures will be no more. Dressing up no longer a thing. These are the pleasures I wish I could forever experience but they'll leave me one day, so that makes me want to live life as long as possible.

The problem is what if I am forever unhappy and will stay stuck, unable to enjoy life's pleasures due to despair? May as well end it. Oh but wait, maybe you can have happiness and you'd be wasting life ending it now. However it's impossible to know. What a paradox.

What makes you suicidal?

 

[avaruus]

maladaptive daydreaming ( i live a life or lives that i could and can never live.

Me too! I have a recurring daydream where i'm a 34 year old millionare, father of 4 kids, with a beautiful wife that i love and who loves me back, we also live in switzerland.
Want to share your daydream lifes?

 

[Parnate]

Me too! I have a recurring daydream where i'm a 34 year old millionare, father of 4 kids, with a beautiful wife that i love and who loves me back, we also live in switzerland.
Want to share your daydream lifes?

In my daydreams, i am a good looking guy without any mental problems, also intelligent. Also i don't have hyperhidrosis and hairloss.
It is what keeps me going. Infact my SI is causing me to daydream more because that sort of creates an illusion hiding the reality and futility of my life.