Janine
"The man who hunts two bunnies will catch neither"
- Mar 18, 2023
- 50
This was supposed to be a scheduled post, I'm only deciding to add this now. "By the time you're seeing this, I'm most likely gone. Or hospitalized." is what I wrote, because I wouldn't have been able to cope with failing after creating a goodbye thread and worrying people. Why the sudden change of mind? Maybe it's better this way. Maybe I want to make sure this message gets through, who knows what disturbances could interrupt a scheduled post on here. Either way, I'm sorry. If I should survive; most like because of me chickening out again, I'm certain nobody will (ever) find me if I don't share my location beforehand, I'll just have to try again. This is it, hopefully.
The method I'll be using is sn, paired with ibuprofen and an antihistamine. Not the best choice, which I'm aware of, but there's simply no other choice. I need to leave already.
Lately my mess of a life has intensified in its torturing nature, caused by myself; I'm referring to self sabotage. There have been a lot of factors involved I could not have possibly changed or controlled, may it be chronic conditions or the environment I've been in. Yet I'm the one who decided to mess things up (and still am with every passing day) further on purpose. Perhaps I felt some sort of satisfaction seeing myself hurt and feeling my life fall apart. Who knows, I'm not a therapist (Not like they'd know any better). Perhaps it was to ensure I'd be ready to die now because of the irreversible damage done. Am I? No. I don't truly wish to die and believe no one does. There's a reason for everything, I can't see it in our nature to strive towards death, even as a rational way to "escape". Saying this won't change a thing, but this really isn't how it should be. Everyone deserves at least a chance to be healthy and happy, which I hope even the most death- and suffering-centered individuals can agree with. If you really decide life isn't for you - let that be your thing. But things like abject poverty, chronic disease, mental illness or trauma are circumstances that affect people's will to live, yet should not determine their view on life as a whole. Can we prevent it? No answer needed, obviously. If something out of your control has contributed to or has started your misery, I'm sorry. Threads like this should not even exist, that's my point. Nobody is born equal, but this just doesn't feel right.
I'm definetly not ready to die. Even the thought of ingesting a poison makes me sick (ha-ha) , but I know I have to do it. I'll only regret pushing my date away further. I know things that'll happen in the near future if I do. There will be replies stating I shouldn't go through with it unless I'm fully certain. Can you be fully certain on this? I don't know, maybe. As a kid, I never understood the act of ending your own life. I still don't, but for a different reason altogether. I used to not understand how you could feel so much misery you felt the need to do it, now, all I don't get is why we aren't able to make things better. We certainly aren't, but authorities and people who seem to lack any sympathy whatsoever could just change our society. Not wasting any more time on this topic, there are enough threads for that.
I'm afraid of what comes after. I know for a fact I'm going to hell, but I'd like to imagine I'll be watching over the people I love.. (@BirdNamedRose , if that turns out to be true, I'll remember my promise). Of course hell is worse than this. I'm mentally ill and probably not of sound mind, what do you expect.. I'd like to say that nothing could be worse than my life at the moment, but that's obviously not true either. Things can always get worse, that's something life teaches you. After rock bottom, there's still another layer to be found. Feeling like you're out of other options is just pure misery. Again, I don't necessarily want to die - just for things to change that cannot change.
I want to thank everyone who has supported me or has provided me with highly appreciated company. I should still be around for around 8-ish hours, but I'll probably fall asleep in between. Private messages are welcome, but there are people I still have to talk to before answering to new conversations.
SN Regimen (nothing special):
~19:00 last meal
~22:00 last fluids
~4:00 Ibuprofen
~4:15 Antihistamine
~4:45 Preparing sn (3 cups à 50ml of water + 25g of sn)
~5:00 Hopefully drinking the first cup
??
I especially want to thank @Al_stargate , @fadid , @waRmblanket , @rainwillneverstop , @BirdNamedRose , @AshClouds , @Dizzylady80 , @Valky , @heartbroken12 , @Amnesiaisalloverme , @dimstar
Best wishes, and hoping to be remembered (I'd be fine with getting a cat named after me)
Janine
The method I'll be using is sn, paired with ibuprofen and an antihistamine. Not the best choice, which I'm aware of, but there's simply no other choice. I need to leave already.
Lately my mess of a life has intensified in its torturing nature, caused by myself; I'm referring to self sabotage. There have been a lot of factors involved I could not have possibly changed or controlled, may it be chronic conditions or the environment I've been in. Yet I'm the one who decided to mess things up (and still am with every passing day) further on purpose. Perhaps I felt some sort of satisfaction seeing myself hurt and feeling my life fall apart. Who knows, I'm not a therapist (Not like they'd know any better). Perhaps it was to ensure I'd be ready to die now because of the irreversible damage done. Am I? No. I don't truly wish to die and believe no one does. There's a reason for everything, I can't see it in our nature to strive towards death, even as a rational way to "escape". Saying this won't change a thing, but this really isn't how it should be. Everyone deserves at least a chance to be healthy and happy, which I hope even the most death- and suffering-centered individuals can agree with. If you really decide life isn't for you - let that be your thing. But things like abject poverty, chronic disease, mental illness or trauma are circumstances that affect people's will to live, yet should not determine their view on life as a whole. Can we prevent it? No answer needed, obviously. If something out of your control has contributed to or has started your misery, I'm sorry. Threads like this should not even exist, that's my point. Nobody is born equal, but this just doesn't feel right.
I'm definetly not ready to die. Even the thought of ingesting a poison makes me sick (ha-ha) , but I know I have to do it. I'll only regret pushing my date away further. I know things that'll happen in the near future if I do. There will be replies stating I shouldn't go through with it unless I'm fully certain. Can you be fully certain on this? I don't know, maybe. As a kid, I never understood the act of ending your own life. I still don't, but for a different reason altogether. I used to not understand how you could feel so much misery you felt the need to do it, now, all I don't get is why we aren't able to make things better. We certainly aren't, but authorities and people who seem to lack any sympathy whatsoever could just change our society. Not wasting any more time on this topic, there are enough threads for that.
I'm afraid of what comes after. I know for a fact I'm going to hell, but I'd like to imagine I'll be watching over the people I love.. (@BirdNamedRose , if that turns out to be true, I'll remember my promise). Of course hell is worse than this. I'm mentally ill and probably not of sound mind, what do you expect.. I'd like to say that nothing could be worse than my life at the moment, but that's obviously not true either. Things can always get worse, that's something life teaches you. After rock bottom, there's still another layer to be found. Feeling like you're out of other options is just pure misery. Again, I don't necessarily want to die - just for things to change that cannot change.
I want to thank everyone who has supported me or has provided me with highly appreciated company. I should still be around for around 8-ish hours, but I'll probably fall asleep in between. Private messages are welcome, but there are people I still have to talk to before answering to new conversations.
SN Regimen (nothing special):
~19:00 last meal
~22:00 last fluids
~4:00 Ibuprofen
~4:15 Antihistamine
~4:45 Preparing sn (3 cups à 50ml of water + 25g of sn)
~5:00 Hopefully drinking the first cup
??
I especially want to thank @Al_stargate , @fadid , @waRmblanket , @rainwillneverstop , @BirdNamedRose , @AshClouds , @Dizzylady80 , @Valky , @heartbroken12 , @Amnesiaisalloverme , @dimstar
Best wishes, and hoping to be remembered (I'd be fine with getting a cat named after me)
Janine
more than you'd know. thank you for everything and being my friend
