Venting frustrated because some of us just aren't meant for life and yet we're here

[fleurdelune]

unhinged, rambly rant incoming:

i wish i could have been born a different animal (or preferably as nothing at all) because i'm not cut out for this humanity thing. maybe i'm childish and dumb at 21 years old (not maybe -- i am), but i can't fathom why people think it's a good idea to have kids, like, ever, but especially when they'll be entering a world that is stiflingly awful in which they may not even want to live. my mom had my brother and i at 50 (i always win the old parent contest) and she's always been single and i've asked her why she had us and her response is "i wanted a family"

like... okay??? that's TOO FUCKING BAD. you went through all this trouble to give birth to us as a single woman only to stay a workaholic and now you only have one kid left after the other one descended into mental and physical illness hell and went and got himself hit by a train. and your surviving child doesn't love or even like you and never has. it's weird because i appreciate all that my mom has done for me and i think i do care about her in that i don't want her to suffer, but i feel that way about everyone to some extent. if anything, i resent her secretly because it's like she went through so many hoops to have kids who ultimately should never have been born. the universe basically set her up to not have children and she insisted on defying that arrangement, and look at how well that's gone! god, i hate it.

sometimes i wonder what it would be like to not have been born doomed and with a fucked up brain, but those thoughts are pretty useless because i'm already me. i just feel stuck here now because i'm afraid my mom might not "get over" me killing myself. with that being said, she seems so functional and normal on the outside even after losing my brother, so maybe she would be okay. when i tell her about what's going on in my brain, she doesn't relate. having a normal, non-depressed brain seems like having armor around it. but i can't die just yet because i don't want her to be sad or lonely.

it's really gross of me, but i feel somewhat fortunate that my mom is on the older side. maybe she'll die sooner rather than later (but not too soon because i can't deal with the shit she'll leave behind. #hoarder parents amirite). then i'll be free to go

i'm posting here both to get my stupid thoughts from my stupid little brain into words and also in hopes of this possibly being a relatable or cathartic read for somebody on here. also, i'm just a tad lonely. aaaaughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i suck

 

[delinquentsandwich]

largely in the same place here
boomer parents that had me at 55(?) and failed to raise me correctly

I was mostly just waiting for my mother to pass naturally but I can't wait any longer
they are both awful hoarders and the house is a mess.. I don't have the energy or the money to clean it up

all of my peers have regular parents and regular families and everyone has friends to depend on
it's really fucking lonely lol

I hope things get easier for you

 

[_Gollum_]

having a normal, non-depressed brain seems like having armor around it

There's actually a theory around this called depressive realism. Basically that "normal" people have an optimism bias that allows them to see the world through rose-coloured glasses, thereby protecting them from the ills of life. Depressed people seem to lack this "armour" and so they see reality for what it is, and are unable to cope with it.

 

[watergun88]

Have you ever been a Orphan before? if you have... you would understand how cold the world actually is .... and you would understand why your mother said she want a family..

family is all we have.... please look around ... without family... there is nothing.... people may give you a smile , a hug, but what can they do beyond that.....
even if they really want to help but they CANNOT, this is how the world is , we are alone here... untill we meet god.....

please..... family ... even just one ... is what we have now..... save each other... if it is still bearable ....