Finally found a suitable tree in an alright location. This is it for me, I'll ctb on Saturday.

[Exhausted546]

About an hour left.

Been thinking a lot about family stuff this past hour now I really feel to urge to end it lol

 

[junctionbox]

That's quite a deep quote. Actually a school counselor told me the exact same thing you just told me , that the voice in my head is just my family's words that I internalized and that I need to create a voice that believes in me.

Also you are right, since my last talk with my eldest brother (he really went off on me being a loser,how he knew from day 1 I wouldn't succeed,how I'll never graduate ,how I don't get to make my decisions in life anymore cause clearly the past 11 years of struggle proved them right that I was incapable as they've always said,how I need to be treated like a little child for whom we decide and I must go back to live with my mother or end up homeless (When I mentioned that I had a friend that suggested I move in with her in a 2 bedroom apartment, he acted as if I had said the most outrageous thing for deciding to live with a friend instead of my own (very abusive,toxic, sociopathic,cruel) mother and that I didn't have the right to do so.) He clearly prefers me feeling like I only have the choice between homelessness and going back to that abusive hellhole.

It's all around disgusting and suffocating, the wait he talks to me and wants to keep treating me,why would I ever want that kind of life?. The worst is, I can see the pressure they are trying to put on me, once I'm cornered enough, they can break me and my spirit as much as they'd like to reshape me to fill a role that makes them comfortable. It's all around disgusting. He went off on how I imagined my traumas, nothing ever happened, I'm a burden to the family, and I'm to blame for my mother getting sick cause I cut her off and so on and on) anyway I digress, after that talk, I started spiraling like crazy and being actively suicidal again, in the very rare moments I wasn't suicidal I managed to study enough to do well on my midterms. But I couldn't keep it up for the finals,I was spiraling way too much, ended up never studying past the midterms and failing the finals.

If my family was to learn,as typical they would use that as further evidence to enforce their narrative that I've always been incapable and was always doomed to fail down my throat. I understand that in life, only the results matter,regardless of what brought you there.

Seeing how talking with him made me spiral, if I am to survive, I'll need to cut contact with my family otherwise I'll keep spiraling and won't function properly.


As for university, you need to be a full-time student to qualify for the bursary, if you go 1 academic year without getting the bursary once ,you can't ever qualify for the bursary anymore. So in order to qualify i'd need at least pass 1 semester of 4 courses during the upcoming academic year
Which would hardly be possible while working enough to afford rent and all.

But there's might something I could do to better my situation somewhere out there if I tale it one step at a time. It's just really really really hard to believe and currently impossible to see. Like I've been accumulating so many Ls for long enough that I don't feel as though there's anything better than that ahead

In any case I appreciate your concern. There's 2 hours left until 4pm, so I'll think about it a bit longer. My dad might not allow me to sleep at his house this weekend, I dont have many opportunities left to ctb. The trees thing is way too hard

quite the heaps of shit they keep piling on you. if at all possible, try not to give them the time of day. and don't blame yourself if their voice is hard to silence, i know from experience how it is when you have internalized their ways of thinking. but clearly they just flap their jaws with nothing real to say. you don't deserve to hear that. i really think you should cut them off just like you said.

so if i understood correctly, you could take one semester off and study full time for the second semester, or study half-time for the whole academic year? i would like to imagine it would be possible to do either one while working just enough to afford rent and something to eat, especially if you could live together with your friend.

i know it's hard to imagine anything better right now. i'll be online, please do update this thread

 

[Exhausted546]

quite the heaps of shit they keep piling on you. if at all possible, try not to give them the time of day. and don't blame yourself if their voice is hard to silence, i know from experience how it is when you have internalized their ways of thinking. but clearly they just flap their jaws with nothing real to say. you don't deserve to hear that. i really think you should cut them off just like you said.

so if i understood correctly, you could take one semester off and study full time for the second semester, or study half-time for the whole academic year? i would like to imagine it would be possible to do either one while working just enough to afford rent and something to eat, especially if you could live together with your friend.

i know it's hard to imagine anything better right now. i'll be online, please do update this thread

I mean sure I could take one semester off but I doubt that'd give me sufficient money to survive the next semester with 4 courses, although it so admit it increases my chances of being able to pull it off while working less the following semester,just enough to handle 4 courses.

If I do survive there's 0% chance that I listen to my eldest brother and go back to my mother's place.

You know 11 years ago, I was actively in the process to leave when the abuse got so bad I couldn't function anymore. I was going to go live with my father (the eldest disowned him due to believing my mother's lies on him, my mother made fucked up lies on me too that led the eldest to start hating me) , the eldest called me and let me know that if I went to live with my dad at that time, he wouldn't want to have anything to do with me anymore.

Like an idiot, I admired him more than anything in the world and didn't want to lose him, so I stayed at my mom's the abuse got so bad I ended up broken, went from top student to failing out and when everything was said and done and she was satisfied of the damage she inflicted to my life (she smiled at me when she learned I failed out of uni ,she told me that she knew it would happen and added that this was all a control game) ,she kicked me out (thankfully) which he had no issue with. But I paid for the consequences of staying with her for that year, I'm still paying the consequences today while he was in another country living the grand life, he never had to deal with any of this, only I.

Now after all this damage he wants me to go back because his angelic mother that can do no wrong is sad she doesn't get to abuse me anymore. Id be the biggest fool to listen to him again, I already deeply regret listening to him the first time.

Anyway, thinking about my family fills me with disgust, feelings of suffocation, despair, I need out. Although I admit venting just now helped release some of these negative feelings that were brewing inside.

My friend ended up finding someone else to move with and it's fine, Ive been taking too much time to get a job to be able to afford the moving rn. It would have been nice, she's super supportive.

But yeah clearly if I do survive, I need to cut my family off cold turkey aside from my neutral brother (although he does give me shit when I don't want to interact with my other toxic family members so that's annoying)
Edit: it's 4pm, my dad is still here but should be leaving anytime now. When he leaves I'll start with testing the set-up, I got the rope ready.

NGL I've calmed down since I vented but I can't keep repeating this everyday either
Edit 2:

Alright he's gone, testing the set-up now

Edit3: I ran a few tests. I think it'll work, I need to test a bit more to see and make sure my feet don't touch the ground

Edit 4: I think the set up will work. I'm not sure what other test I can do. If I wanted to test whether my feet will touch the floor or not, I'd need to put my neck in. But honestly if my feet do touch the floor then Itd end up becoming the most lethal partial hanging (I believe)



In the worst case scenario my father will be back in 19-29 mins. So I won't do anything but I'm done testing, the next time I'll be hanging

 

[junctionbox]

I mean sure I could take one semester off but I doubt that'd give me sufficient money to survive the next semester with 4 courses, although it so admit it increases my chances of being able to pull it off while working less the following semester,just enough to handle 4 courses.

If I do survive there's 0% chance that I listen to my eldest brother and go back to my mother's place.

You know 11 years ago, I was actively in the process to leave when the abuse got so bad I couldn't function anymore. I was going to go live with my father (the eldest disowned him due to believing my mother's lies on him, my mother made fucked up lies on me too that led the eldest to start hating me) , the eldest called me and let me know that if I went to live with my dad at that time, he wouldn't want to have anything to do with me anymore.

Like an idiot, I admired him more than anything in the world and didn't want to lose him, so I stayed at my mom's the abuse got so bad I ended up broken, went from top student to failing out and when everything was said and done and she was satisfied of the damage she inflicted to my life (she smiled at me when she learned I failed out of uni ,she told me that she knew it would happen and added that this was all a control game) ,she kicked me out (thankfully) which he had no issue with. But I paid for the consequences of staying with her for that year, I'm still paying the consequences today while he was in another country living the grand life, he never had to deal with any of this, only I.

Now after all this damage he wants me to go back because his angelic mother that can do no wrong is sad she doesn't get to abuse me anymore. Id be the biggest fool to listen to him again, I already deeply regret listening to him the first time.

Anyway, thinking about my family fills me with disgust, feelings of suffocation, despair, I need out. Although I admit venting just now helped release some of these negative feelings that were brewing inside.

My friend ended up finding someone else to move with and it's fine, Ive been taking too much time to get a job to be able to afford the moving rn. It would have been nice, she's super supportive.

But yeah clearly if I do survive, I need to cut my family off cold turkey aside from my neutral brother (although he does give me shit when I don't want to interact with my other toxic family members so that's annoying)
Edit: it's 4pm, my dad is still here but should be leaving anytime now. When he leaves I'll start with testing the set-up, I got the rope ready.

NGL I've calmed down since I vented but I can't keep repeating this everyday either

very good to hear that the venting helped, you're welcome to do so. it is probably for the best to be calm when considering suicide. i think you know what i think, i will be very sorry to see you go if you do go, but i respect your decision. i'll be on here

 

[junctionbox]

for some reason my response to you is awaiting moderator approval. just testing to see if this one will go through

I mean sure I could take one semester off but I doubt that'd give me sufficient money to survive the next semester with 4 courses, although it so admit it increases my chances of being able to pull it off while working less the following semester,just enough to handle 4 courses.

If I do survive there's 0% chance that I listen to my eldest brother and go back to my mother's place.

You know 11 years ago, I was actively in the process to leave when the abuse got so bad I couldn't function anymore. I was going to go live with my father (the eldest disowned him due to believing my mother's lies on him, my mother made fucked up lies on me too that led the eldest to start hating me) , the eldest called me and let me know that if I went to live with my dad at that time, he wouldn't want to have anything to do with me anymore.

Like an idiot, I admired him more than anything in the world and didn't want to lose him, so I stayed at my mom's the abuse got so bad I ended up broken, went from top student to failing out and when everything was said and done and she was satisfied of the damage she inflicted to my life (she smiled at me when she learned I failed out of uni ,she told me that she knew it would happen and added that this was all a control game) ,she kicked me out (thankfully) which he had no issue with. But I paid for the consequences of staying with her for that year, I'm still paying the consequences today while he was in another country living the grand life, he never had to deal with any of this, only I.

Now after all this damage he wants me to go back because his angelic mother that can do no wrong is sad she doesn't get to abuse me anymore. Id be the biggest fool to listen to him again, I already deeply regret listening to him the first time.

Anyway, thinking about my family fills me with disgust, feelings of suffocation, despair, I need out. Although I admit venting just now helped release some of these negative feelings that were brewing inside.

My friend ended up finding someone else to move with and it's fine, Ive been taking too much time to get a job to be able to afford the moving rn. It would have been nice, she's super supportive.

But yeah clearly if I do survive, I need to cut my family off cold turkey aside from my neutral brother (although he does give me shit when I don't want to interact with my other toxic family members so that's annoying)
Edit: it's 4pm, my dad is still here but should be leaving anytime now. When he leaves I'll start with testing the set-up, I got the rope ready.

NGL I've calmed down since I vented but I can't keep repeating this everyday either

 

[Exhausted546]

very good to hear that the venting helped, you're welcome to do so. it is probably for the best to be calm when considering suicide. i think you know what i think, i will be very sorry to see you go if you do go, but i respect your decision. i'll be on here

Thank you, you're a kind soul. My father left for exactly 1h10

I still have the weekend but it's unstable. I believe it wasn't his final week at work in the end so , Id have all of Tuesday to hang since he'd be at the office....if he allows me to stay and doesn't take the key away)

 

[retstardeda$$hole]

Ended up falling asleep waiting

I hadn't thought of the scheduling sending my location to avoid being on the news part. In fact I hadn't thought about whether that would impact ending up on the news or not. Now I'm legit considering it. What are you going to write? "You can find my corpse at X location, here's the GPS screenshot, sorry again" ?

I tried partial a few times, it didn't work, only got splitting headaches,probably didn't do it right. With the right set up and noose placement you should lose consciousness extremely quickly for full suspension hanging from a lack of blood flow. Like literally, from the videos I saw, people lower themselves slowly and before they even realize what's happening their hands drop and they're unconscious extremely quickly.

However if the noose is placed in the wrong spot, it can be a long and agonizing death.

Things should go better tonight. Was worried I didn't feel that suicidal anymore when I woke up but I quickly remembered why this timeline I'm in is cursed and ctb is my best alternative at this stage

Did you plan to do it eventually?

 

[sadbones]

I read your whole thread and I don't usually believe in fate but all the mishaps (who is out in the forest so late??) plus your love for life it may be worth to wait, even if just to give yourself more planning room because I know all my failed attempts hurt me more inside than not trying. I wish you luck no matter what.

 

[Exhausted546]

I read your whole thread and I don't usually believe in fate but all the mishaps (who is out in the forest so late??) plus your love for life it may be worth to wait, even if just to give yourself more planning room because I know all my failed attempts hurt me more inside than not trying. I wish you luck no matter what.

Hurt you more inside? What do you mean?

 

[sadbones]

Hurt you more inside? What do you mean?

Just made me feel worse mentally, failing and then in pain from the attempt bc they were all half hearted and rushed.

 

[Ben 111]

Thank you, you're a kind soul. My father left for exactly 1h10

I still have the weekend but it's unstable. I believe it wasn't his final week at work in the end so , Id have all of Tuesday to hang since he'd be at the office....if he allows me to stay and doesn't take the key away)

Yes.i suggest you don't rush to it and just take your time...life also exhausts me and I wanna assure you what ur feeling is valid and ur not alone

 

[Exhausted546]

Spoke to my neutral brother last night, admitted I wasn't going well and all, he just stayed silent and changed subject, as long as I'm not actively suicidal he doesn't seem to care much anymore.

My dad just left, it's so unstable during weekends, I have no clue if he will be gone for an hour, 5 hours, 25 minutes. It'd be the dumbest thing to do anything impulsely, if I have no clue when he's gone cause this is singlehandedly the most important decision I'll ever take in my life with the most terminal consequences, no rushing should ever take place

Edit: He came back then left again

Unless I know where he went and when he's coming back, this is too risky

I want to do it honestly but the risks are currently too high.

I could however try to think of more tests.. like seeing if there's enough space and food for me to put the noose around my neck in the set up,however wrong move on the chair and I hang for real

Just made me feel worse mentally, failing and then in pain from the attempt bc they were all half hearted and rushed.

What was your method of choice?

 

[Ben 111]

Hey are you still with us

 

[Exhausted546]

Hey are you still with us

Yes I won't do it today, it's way too risky. My dad could be back in a minute, in 35 minutes or in 6 hours, I don't know.

I do know he leaves for an hour every Sunday morning to go to church so that may be my time window.

Monday is my niece's birthday so it'd be sick for my death to be associated with her birthday, Tuesday (if he indeed didn't quit his job yet) would be the day I do it as he won't be there all day

So either tomorrow or Tuesday

 

[Ben 111]

Take your time

 

[Exhausted546]

Take your time

I appreciate it, he's going to do a religious thing tonight. He usually leaves for 2ish hours at minimum but I'll assume he will only be gone for 1 hour.

I'm increasingly thinking I'll do it tonight. Each time I think of my family and how disgusting it all is,I just feel like being done with it.

I'm aware I'm clearly giving them way too much importance,anyway.

 

[Exhausted546]

Went to research how it would impact the same of the house and I feel guilty. Wish I had motel money or found a way to make this tree shit work

 

[Exhausted546]

It's almost time

 

[Exhausted546]

Welp, he's not leaving and I'm starting to get sleepy. Idk when he's going to leave. I think postponing it to Tuesday isn't bad, I'll get some more thinking done.

 

[Ben 111]

Hope you don't mind me asking but how old are you

 

[Exhausted546]

Hope you don't mind me asking but how old are you

Turned 32 in June

 

[Ben 111]

21 here

 

[thereishope220]

Turned 32 in June

Hey u still here?

 

[Exhausted546]

Hey u still here?

Yep, I'll die in 7 to 13 hours

The preparation are ready and all. I can't test the set up any further without potentially dying. So the next step will be the last of there's nothing faulty about the set up

 

[Exhausted546]

I wonder if maybe I should beg for like 155$ or something and rent the 1bedroom appart i once rented for a night, I'd be able to ctb there .At least it wouldn't cost my father 55k ish he will lose in the house sale

The appart i rented is owned by this one guy that owns 25+ units he regularly rents. Like a Airbnb mogul. Better inconvenience him than my father that would have to discover my corpse and have it cost him 55k

I thought about it in the past but then I thought whoever lent me that money (my neutral sibling) would feel deep guilt for having lent me that money and I couldn't allow myself to betray them. But ultimately who cares, I'll die anyway, it's not that deep and it'll do less damage than the alternative..

However after my eldest talked so much shit about me, the brother that was still somewhat neutral, I don't think he would be willing to lend me money as he has gotten colder.

Honestly this feels like another headache I don't feel like dealing with tho,I should just hang at my dad's place and get it over with already

 

[Ben 111]

Just know that we love you

 

[Exhausted546]

NGL I'm anxiou

Just know that we love you

I appreciate it. I just woke up, I have 5 hours to get the courage. Just thinking about family stuff will give me the courage soon enough though

Im currently anxious so I'll let it come naturally. I'll avoid distracting myself from my thoughts either or the courage won't come and time will pointlessly pass.

Need to lube up the rope again. I honestly envy people that have SN, I truly hope I pass out fast.

If my set up is faulty in anyway, I truly hope I don't suffer a long agonizing death while choking badly or whatever (noose has to go as high on your neck as possible, knot right behind the neck, I don't think there's more to it. People that die an agonizing death often misplaced the noose if I recall correctly). I hope it's like the videos I've seen where the person clearly passes out before they even realize what's going on, and I hope

As harsh as it sounds, I don't want an afterlife, don't want to be stuck with my family again, nor do I want to live for eternity or whatever.

Edit: wow thinking about family really gives me determination to do it. I should probably be good to go in the next hour

 

[Ben 111]

Why do you describe ur bro as neutral

 

[Exhausted546]

Why do you describe ur bro as neutral

It's the only brother of mine that's not actively against me.
Anyway, I got sidetracked and distracted by some comedy stuff. Back on track, it's better I hang in the next 2 hours (my father will be back in 4 hours, just in case there's a faulty setup I need to fix I gotta leave myself enough time). I got everything ready, all that's left is to get on that chair then kick it. I need to psyche myself back up into it

There's alot of things about life that I'll miss, it's better I don't think of that though

 

[Salhalla]

It's the only brother of mine that's not actively against me.
Anyway, I got sidetracked and distracted by some comedy stuff. Back on track, it's better I hang in the next 2 hours (my father will be back in 4 hours, just in case there's a faulty setup I need to fix I gotta leave myself enough time). I got everything ready, all that's left is to get on that chair then kick it. I need to psyche myself back up into it

2 hours left good luck