Finally found a suitable tree in an alright location. This is it for me, I'll ctb on Saturday.

[Exhausted546]

About an hour left.

Been thinking a lot about family stuff this past hour now I really feel to urge to end it lol

 

[junctionbox]

That's quite a deep quote. Actually a school counselor told me the exact same thing you just told me , that the voice in my head is just my family's words that I internalized and that I need to create a voice that believes in me.

Also you are right, since my last talk with my eldest brother (he really went off on me being a loser,how he knew from day 1 I wouldn't succeed,how I'll never graduate ,how I don't get to make my decisions in life anymore cause clearly the past 11 years of struggle proved them right that I was incapable as they've always said,how I need to be treated like a little child for whom we decide and I must go back to live with my mother or end up homeless (When I mentioned that I had a friend that suggested I move in with her in a 2 bedroom apartment, he acted as if I had said the most outrageous thing for deciding to live with a friend instead of my own (very abusive,toxic, sociopathic,cruel) mother and that I didn't have the right to do so.) He clearly prefers me feeling like I only have the choice between homelessness and going back to that abusive hellhole.

It's all around disgusting and suffocating, the wait he talks to me and wants to keep treating me,why would I ever want that kind of life?. The worst is, I can see the pressure they are trying to put on me, once I'm cornered enough, they can break me and my spirit as much as they'd like to reshape me to fill a role that makes them comfortable. It's all around disgusting. He went off on how I imagined my traumas, nothing ever happened, I'm a burden to the family, and I'm to blame for my mother getting sick cause I cut her off and so on and on) anyway I digress, after that talk, I started spiraling like crazy and being actively suicidal again, in the very rare moments I wasn't suicidal I managed to study enough to do well on my midterms. But I couldn't keep it up for the finals,I was spiraling way too much, ended up never studying past the midterms and failing the finals.

If my family was to learn,as typical they would use that as further evidence to enforce their narrative that I've always been incapable and was always doomed to fail down my throat. I understand that in life, only the results matter,regardless of what brought you there.

Seeing how talking with him made me spiral, if I am to survive, I'll need to cut contact with my family otherwise I'll keep spiraling and won't function properly.


As for university, you need to be a full-time student to qualify for the bursary, if you go 1 academic year without getting the bursary once ,you can't ever qualify for the bursary anymore. So in order to qualify i'd need at least pass 1 semester of 4 courses during the upcoming academic year
Which would hardly be possible while working enough to afford rent and all.

But there's might something I could do to better my situation somewhere out there if I tale it one step at a time. It's just really really really hard to believe and currently impossible to see. Like I've been accumulating so many Ls for long enough that I don't feel as though there's anything better than that ahead

In any case I appreciate your concern. There's 2 hours left until 4pm, so I'll think about it a bit longer. My dad might not allow me to sleep at his house this weekend, I dont have many opportunities left to ctb. The trees thing is way too hard

quite the heaps of shit they keep piling on you. if at all possible, try not to give them the time of day. and don't blame yourself if their voice is hard to silence, i know from experience how it is when you have internalized their ways of thinking. but clearly they just flap their jaws with nothing real to say. you don't deserve to hear that. i really think you should cut them off just like you said.

so if i understood correctly, you could take one semester off and study full time for the second semester, or study half-time for the whole academic year? i would like to imagine it would be possible to do either one while working just enough to afford rent and something to eat, especially if you could live together with your friend.

i know it's hard to imagine anything better right now. i'll be online, please do update this thread

 

[Exhausted546]

quite the heaps of shit they keep piling on you. if at all possible, try not to give them the time of day. and don't blame yourself if their voice is hard to silence, i know from experience how it is when you have internalized their ways of thinking. but clearly they just flap their jaws with nothing real to say. you don't deserve to hear that. i really think you should cut them off just like you said.

so if i understood correctly, you could take one semester off and study full time for the second semester, or study half-time for the whole academic year? i would like to imagine it would be possible to do either one while working just enough to afford rent and something to eat, especially if you could live together with your friend.

i know it's hard to imagine anything better right now. i'll be online, please do update this thread

I mean sure I could take one semester off but I doubt that'd give me sufficient money to survive the next semester with 4 courses, although it so admit it increases my chances of being able to pull it off while working less the following semester,just enough to handle 4 courses.

If I do survive there's 0% chance that I listen to my eldest brother and go back to my mother's place.

You know 11 years ago, I was actively in the process to leave when the abuse got so bad I couldn't function anymore. I was going to go live with my father (the eldest disowned him due to believing my mother's lies on him, my mother made fucked up lies on me too that led the eldest to start hating me) , the eldest called me and let me know that if I went to live with my dad at that time, he wouldn't want to have anything to do with me anymore.

Like an idiot, I admired him more than anything in the world and didn't want to lose him, so I stayed at my mom's the abuse got so bad I ended up broken, went from top student to failing out and when everything was said and done and she was satisfied of the damage she inflicted to my life (she smiled at me when she learned I failed out of uni ,she told me that she knew it would happen and added that this was all a control game) ,she kicked me out (thankfully) which he had no issue with. But I paid for the consequences of staying with her for that year, I'm still paying the consequences today while he was in another country living the grand life, he never had to deal with any of this, only I.

Now after all this damage he wants me to go back because his angelic mother that can do no wrong is sad she doesn't get to abuse me anymore. Id be the biggest fool to listen to him again, I already deeply regret listening to him the first time.

Anyway, thinking about my family fills me with disgust, feelings of suffocation, despair, I need out. Although I admit venting just now helped release some of these negative feelings that were brewing inside.

My friend ended up finding someone else to move with and it's fine, Ive been taking too much time to get a job to be able to afford the moving rn. It would have been nice, she's super supportive.

But yeah clearly if I do survive, I need to cut my family off cold turkey aside from my neutral brother (although he does give me shit when I don't want to interact with my other toxic family members so that's annoying)
Edit: it's 4pm, my dad is still here but should be leaving anytime now. When he leaves I'll start with testing the set-up, I got the rope ready.

NGL I've calmed down since I vented but I can't keep repeating this everyday either
Edit 2:

Alright he's gone, testing the set-up now

Edit3: I ran a few tests. I think it'll work, I need to test a bit more to see and make sure my feet don't touch the ground

Edit 4: I think the set up will work. I'm not sure what other test I can do. If I wanted to test whether my feet will touch the floor or not, I'd need to put my neck in. But honestly if my feet do touch the floor then Itd end up becoming the most lethal partial hanging (I believe)



In the worst case scenario my father will be back in 19-29 mins. So I won't do anything but I'm done testing, the next time I'll be hanging

 

[junctionbox]

I mean sure I could take one semester off but I doubt that'd give me sufficient money to survive the next semester with 4 courses, although it so admit it increases my chances of being able to pull it off while working less the following semester,just enough to handle 4 courses.

If I do survive there's 0% chance that I listen to my eldest brother and go back to my mother's place.

You know 11 years ago, I was actively in the process to leave when the abuse got so bad I couldn't function anymore. I was going to go live with my father (the eldest disowned him due to believing my mother's lies on him, my mother made fucked up lies on me too that led the eldest to start hating me) , the eldest called me and let me know that if I went to live with my dad at that time, he wouldn't want to have anything to do with me anymore.

Like an idiot, I admired him more than anything in the world and didn't want to lose him, so I stayed at my mom's the abuse got so bad I ended up broken, went from top student to failing out and when everything was said and done and she was satisfied of the damage she inflicted to my life (she smiled at me when she learned I failed out of uni ,she told me that she knew it would happen and added that this was all a control game) ,she kicked me out (thankfully) which he had no issue with. But I paid for the consequences of staying with her for that year, I'm still paying the consequences today while he was in another country living the grand life, he never had to deal with any of this, only I.

Now after all this damage he wants me to go back because his angelic mother that can do no wrong is sad she doesn't get to abuse me anymore. Id be the biggest fool to listen to him again, I already deeply regret listening to him the first time.

Anyway, thinking about my family fills me with disgust, feelings of suffocation, despair, I need out. Although I admit venting just now helped release some of these negative feelings that were brewing inside.

My friend ended up finding someone else to move with and it's fine, Ive been taking too much time to get a job to be able to afford the moving rn. It would have been nice, she's super supportive.

But yeah clearly if I do survive, I need to cut my family off cold turkey aside from my neutral brother (although he does give me shit when I don't want to interact with my other toxic family members so that's annoying)
Edit: it's 4pm, my dad is still here but should be leaving anytime now. When he leaves I'll start with testing the set-up, I got the rope ready.

NGL I've calmed down since I vented but I can't keep repeating this everyday either

very good to hear that the venting helped, you're welcome to do so. it is probably for the best to be calm when considering suicide. i think you know what i think, i will be very sorry to see you go if you do go, but i respect your decision. i'll be on here

 

[junctionbox]

for some reason my response to you is awaiting moderator approval. just testing to see if this one will go through

I mean sure I could take one semester off but I doubt that'd give me sufficient money to survive the next semester with 4 courses, although it so admit it increases my chances of being able to pull it off while working less the following semester,just enough to handle 4 courses.

If I do survive there's 0% chance that I listen to my eldest brother and go back to my mother's place.

You know 11 years ago, I was actively in the process to leave when the abuse got so bad I couldn't function anymore. I was going to go live with my father (the eldest disowned him due to believing my mother's lies on him, my mother made fucked up lies on me too that led the eldest to start hating me) , the eldest called me and let me know that if I went to live with my dad at that time, he wouldn't want to have anything to do with me anymore.

Like an idiot, I admired him more than anything in the world and didn't want to lose him, so I stayed at my mom's the abuse got so bad I ended up broken, went from top student to failing out and when everything was said and done and she was satisfied of the damage she inflicted to my life (she smiled at me when she learned I failed out of uni ,she told me that she knew it would happen and added that this was all a control game) ,she kicked me out (thankfully) which he had no issue with. But I paid for the consequences of staying with her for that year, I'm still paying the consequences today while he was in another country living the grand life, he never had to deal with any of this, only I.

Now after all this damage he wants me to go back because his angelic mother that can do no wrong is sad she doesn't get to abuse me anymore. Id be the biggest fool to listen to him again, I already deeply regret listening to him the first time.

Anyway, thinking about my family fills me with disgust, feelings of suffocation, despair, I need out. Although I admit venting just now helped release some of these negative feelings that were brewing inside.

My friend ended up finding someone else to move with and it's fine, Ive been taking too much time to get a job to be able to afford the moving rn. It would have been nice, she's super supportive.

But yeah clearly if I do survive, I need to cut my family off cold turkey aside from my neutral brother (although he does give me shit when I don't want to interact with my other toxic family members so that's annoying)
Edit: it's 4pm, my dad is still here but should be leaving anytime now. When he leaves I'll start with testing the set-up, I got the rope ready.

NGL I've calmed down since I vented but I can't keep repeating this everyday either