EmployedHikikomori
Member
- Jul 13, 2026
- 18
Well, I figure I should tell anyone who cares about myself and how I found myself on this forum.
About five years ago, at the time of this post, I actually hit a low point in my life and attempted to CBT. What brought me that point was the fact I was flunking out of college at the time, my health was in the toilet, I was in bad standing at my job, and my family had to movie out of our home during Covid. At the time when I woke up in the hospital, I thanked god that I survived my OD. However I came to regret surviving.
Five years later, life has not improved. I'm a complete college drop out with only two useless AA degrees from the junior college I was in before transferring. My health has gotten worse. For the record I've been struggling with obesity all my life. Before my weight was threating me with blood pressure. Now, I can feel my knees breaking down, my back giving out, and I can't prove it my I believe my organs may be shutting down. It's a bit cruel that my decaying body hasn't completely shut down because I'm still able to work. I'm a janitor that works over night at a grocery store, before I was a gas station clerk. Before I wouldn't have to excerpt myself as much, but now my body is taking a larger toll, right when I hit my 30s.
I am employed so I am keeping busy, that's all that I'm busy with. I don't have any friends in the meat space. And despite being a loser who still lives with his parents, I keep interactions with them to a minimum. To the point I want to cut ties with them. It's not because I dislike them, I just don't socialize. I really am socially and emotionally withdrawn from everything. That's the definition of a Hikikomori.
No real accomplishments, academic or career wise. No social life, I don't have any friends or a romantic partner. I only work, sleep, and eat. I want to say I'm at least saving up money, but I'm honestly blowing most of it on the most random things. Not like it was gonna amount to much anyway.
So I was thinking of CBTing again and I was looking up videos about the subject where I found one about this site. Technically it was against this site and to encourage people to reach out for help, but I was past that point. At this point was already in contact with a therapist and was medicated but it, both fell threw when the medication proved to be ineffective and issues with insurance didn't help with finding a new therapist. I didn't think they were helping anyway. And if I'm being really honest, I have no interest in improving myself anymore.
What really caught my attention about this site was the four philosophies the video I saw claimed this site holds. They were Nihilism, Anti-natalism, Promortalism, and Libertarianism. I was in college for engineering, however I do have a fascination for philosophy and the arts. I do think I share some of the philosophical views listed before (switch out nihilism for pessimism), so this may be a perfect fit.
I sat on and ruminated on this for a while and things hit a turning point in the winter of '24. I was already 30 and felt hopeless, in the summer when I turned 31, I decided that I'll give myself four years to live. Main reason, I wanted to debunk the notion that all cases of CBT are impulsive and irrational. Can't label me with that when I planned out my CBT years in advance. I also figured it would be poetic if I CBT on my birthday, my 35th birthday which would also be my last birthday of the 2020s. However I gave myself a year before officially joining this site in case god or the universe would give me a reason to not CBT, maybe I'll be given friends, a romantic partner, money to college, or whatever I may be gifted.... I'm on this site now, so you can guess how that worked out.
About five years ago, at the time of this post, I actually hit a low point in my life and attempted to CBT. What brought me that point was the fact I was flunking out of college at the time, my health was in the toilet, I was in bad standing at my job, and my family had to movie out of our home during Covid. At the time when I woke up in the hospital, I thanked god that I survived my OD. However I came to regret surviving.
Five years later, life has not improved. I'm a complete college drop out with only two useless AA degrees from the junior college I was in before transferring. My health has gotten worse. For the record I've been struggling with obesity all my life. Before my weight was threating me with blood pressure. Now, I can feel my knees breaking down, my back giving out, and I can't prove it my I believe my organs may be shutting down. It's a bit cruel that my decaying body hasn't completely shut down because I'm still able to work. I'm a janitor that works over night at a grocery store, before I was a gas station clerk. Before I wouldn't have to excerpt myself as much, but now my body is taking a larger toll, right when I hit my 30s.
I am employed so I am keeping busy, that's all that I'm busy with. I don't have any friends in the meat space. And despite being a loser who still lives with his parents, I keep interactions with them to a minimum. To the point I want to cut ties with them. It's not because I dislike them, I just don't socialize. I really am socially and emotionally withdrawn from everything. That's the definition of a Hikikomori.
No real accomplishments, academic or career wise. No social life, I don't have any friends or a romantic partner. I only work, sleep, and eat. I want to say I'm at least saving up money, but I'm honestly blowing most of it on the most random things. Not like it was gonna amount to much anyway.
So I was thinking of CBTing again and I was looking up videos about the subject where I found one about this site. Technically it was against this site and to encourage people to reach out for help, but I was past that point. At this point was already in contact with a therapist and was medicated but it, both fell threw when the medication proved to be ineffective and issues with insurance didn't help with finding a new therapist. I didn't think they were helping anyway. And if I'm being really honest, I have no interest in improving myself anymore.
What really caught my attention about this site was the four philosophies the video I saw claimed this site holds. They were Nihilism, Anti-natalism, Promortalism, and Libertarianism. I was in college for engineering, however I do have a fascination for philosophy and the arts. I do think I share some of the philosophical views listed before (switch out nihilism for pessimism), so this may be a perfect fit.
I sat on and ruminated on this for a while and things hit a turning point in the winter of '24. I was already 30 and felt hopeless, in the summer when I turned 31, I decided that I'll give myself four years to live. Main reason, I wanted to debunk the notion that all cases of CBT are impulsive and irrational. Can't label me with that when I planned out my CBT years in advance. I also figured it would be poetic if I CBT on my birthday, my 35th birthday which would also be my last birthday of the 2020s. However I gave myself a year before officially joining this site in case god or the universe would give me a reason to not CBT, maybe I'll be given friends, a romantic partner, money to college, or whatever I may be gifted.... I'm on this site now, so you can guess how that worked out.
