I used to set a date since I was 15 or so, that I'd kill myself in 5 years. I'd get to the end of my 5 year window, and decide to do another 5. I think at the time despite my issues there was just a sense or feeling of more left for me; a little more life I could squeeze out, despite the bad. I could ignore my issues, play video games, distract myself. A younger me could still believe I could meet someone. Make friends. Enjoy hobbies.
Times are changing, though.
I just returned to my home state after being 8 years away on the other side of the country. I regret moving back already, but needed to, in order to progress in my career. A career I've come to hate; I'm only good at my job due to it being the role self I needed to form when I was young to get any sort of attention from my family.
Relocating didn't really matter, anyway. Not much has changed, I lost my friendships I had before they even knew I was leaving. I left that place, after 8 years, without a party or going away event, let alone even a hug or a handshake. Not one from even a coworker. I was alone out there, and I'm still alone here. Just the scenery got worse.
Distance and drama put me and my family apart, but I was hopeful to fix my relationship with them. I only learned after traveling 2000 miles that just, everything and everyone has changed. Nieces and nephews are older, moved on with their lives. They resent me, they needed me when I left, and now they just... don't. Old wounds from siblings festered into incurable diseases. I moved back in September, yet spent Thanksgiving and Christmas alone, not a single invite or question on my plans. I thought about calling and prying, but they know I'm here. And I'm not going to embarrassingly try to invite myself to their holidays. I was hopeful the distance would make them want me, but in hindsight, not one came to visit in 8 years.
The distance didn't matter, it was me.
Things were looking up 8 years ago, meeting people, dating even, but now it just... I can feel the difference. I feel it in my bones. At my core. The time is here, around the corner. I can't change, I tried that.
And failed.
And failed.
And failed.
I know there is nothing left ahead. I'm worse than I was 8 years ago. More isolated. More lonely. More unable to try new things. Unable and unwilling to meet new people. To let anyone in again. Just for them to leave like everyone else. I'm incapable of anything long lasting. I'll work, and then I'll go home. I'll go get groceries on the weekend. I'll continue with more distractions, TV, movies, video games, with rapidly declining return on enjoyment. For the next 30 years until the end, this is my life, alone.
It's like I'm starting to see that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. It's like I'm stretched thin and there's no juice left to squeeze out. Nothing changing. Nothing happening. The outside world degrading just as much as my internal world is. And I'll just be here, carrying on, alone. Rationalization is starting to hit me that I need to get serious about setting a date and a method.
Times are changing, though.
I just returned to my home state after being 8 years away on the other side of the country. I regret moving back already, but needed to, in order to progress in my career. A career I've come to hate; I'm only good at my job due to it being the role self I needed to form when I was young to get any sort of attention from my family.
Relocating didn't really matter, anyway. Not much has changed, I lost my friendships I had before they even knew I was leaving. I left that place, after 8 years, without a party or going away event, let alone even a hug or a handshake. Not one from even a coworker. I was alone out there, and I'm still alone here. Just the scenery got worse.
Distance and drama put me and my family apart, but I was hopeful to fix my relationship with them. I only learned after traveling 2000 miles that just, everything and everyone has changed. Nieces and nephews are older, moved on with their lives. They resent me, they needed me when I left, and now they just... don't. Old wounds from siblings festered into incurable diseases. I moved back in September, yet spent Thanksgiving and Christmas alone, not a single invite or question on my plans. I thought about calling and prying, but they know I'm here. And I'm not going to embarrassingly try to invite myself to their holidays. I was hopeful the distance would make them want me, but in hindsight, not one came to visit in 8 years.
The distance didn't matter, it was me.
Things were looking up 8 years ago, meeting people, dating even, but now it just... I can feel the difference. I feel it in my bones. At my core. The time is here, around the corner. I can't change, I tried that.
And failed.
And failed.
And failed.
I know there is nothing left ahead. I'm worse than I was 8 years ago. More isolated. More lonely. More unable to try new things. Unable and unwilling to meet new people. To let anyone in again. Just for them to leave like everyone else. I'm incapable of anything long lasting. I'll work, and then I'll go home. I'll go get groceries on the weekend. I'll continue with more distractions, TV, movies, video games, with rapidly declining return on enjoyment. For the next 30 years until the end, this is my life, alone.
It's like I'm starting to see that there is no light at the end of the tunnel. It's like I'm stretched thin and there's no juice left to squeeze out. Nothing changing. Nothing happening. The outside world degrading just as much as my internal world is. And I'll just be here, carrying on, alone. Rationalization is starting to hit me that I need to get serious about setting a date and a method.
