Venting feeling selfish and scared

[renrone]

I've always loved the idea of dying first, before everyone i love and care for — so that the pain of losing someone isn't in my mind when i ctb. at first it was more of a sick dream i had, but now it's all so real, since both my boyfriend and i struggle with chronic depression and si. it's become painfully obvious to me that we won't last, because of one us will die eventually, and i refuse to let it be them who dies first. i feel so selfish for wanting this, knowing that when i die they will absolutely ctb as well, as well as the fact we promised each other that we would never try to ctb. Before, i would never have considered it, out of fear of hurting them, but they tried to stab themself this week, so i feel like that promise has been broken. I don't know what's holding me back now, i'm so scared i'll lose them, and i know that by ctb i will make them feel this way, but a very selfish part of me tells me that it's not my problem once i'm dead. i really love them, and would hate to hurt them but honestly it seems these no other way now. I have promised myself long ago that i won't let myself see anyone i love die, no matter what.