everyone who cares about me grows to regret it

[illvoid]

i know I'm not a good person, and I wish I knew how to fix myself. all I want is to have one person I don't inevitably push away. it seems so unattainable. i hate interacting with people I love because I know I will never be who they want me to be. i know they will leave. i know they're silently wishing I would just stop talking. im disgusted with who I am. i apologize for almost everything I do and say to people I hold close to me, and I mean during almost every single conversation. I feel like I'm doing something wrong when I feel loved, understood, cared for and listened to. I know I don't deserve those things; but I am human and I need them, so I hold myself to a standard I dont know how to reach. The more I try, the worse I become. It's gotten harder and harder to keep people in my life, and I have considered ctb every time ive lost someone because I know it's more than likely my fault. I destroy every good thing that comes into my life. Everything I touch. I wish I could find a real starting point. I don't know who I am anymore. Sorry for venting here, I know it's a lot.

 

[D1byRam3n]

No needs to be sorry...everything you've been through must be rough but screw them! Just do whatever you want! anything is fine...as long as you feel better then

 

[F@#$]

i know I'm not a good person, and I wish I knew how to fix myself. all I want is to have one person I don't inevitably push away. it seems so unattainable. i hate interacting with people I love because I know I will never be who they want me to be. i know they will leave. i know they're silently wishing I would just stop talking. im disgusted with who I am. i apologize for almost everything I do and say to people I hold close to me, and I mean during almost every single conversation. I feel like I'm doing something wrong when I feel loved, understood, cared for and listened to. I know I don't deserve those things; but I am human and I need them, so I hold myself to a standard I dont know how to reach. The more I try, the worse I become. It's gotten harder and harder to keep people in my life, and I have considered ctb every time ive lost someone because I know it's more than likely my fault. I destroy every good thing that comes into my life. Everything I touch. I wish I could find a real starting point. I don't know who I am anymore. Sorry for venting here, I know it's a lot.

I feel very similar. I'm learning to embrace my destruction. Builds character.