I have people in my life but I still feel completely lonely

[Subject 01]

I feel guilty for even typing this out, because I know I'm loved... but I feel so lonely despite being surrounded by people. I have a boyfriend who (I believe) loves me. I have a good relationship with my mother, and I have friends... sort of. I know a lot of people would love to be in my shoes, but I can't bring myself to be happy.

It feels like all my relationships just stop at the surface. Not sure why I don't feel grateful and instead feel empty and transparent. Like there's this emotional wall between people and I. I'm not sure if I'll be able to truly connect with anyone. My entourage is a bit emotionally... stifled. As much as I like my friends, it's clear they're here to have fun, and that's it. I could never speak to them about my issues or anything of the sorts. I'll never be able to confide in them. I think that prevents me from truly feeling heard and in turn, that turns me into some kind of ghost of myself. I end up performing a version of me that feels fun but ain't me.

I've realized that to keep your relationships going, or just to be socially accepted, you have to be outgoing, fun, and sociable. You can never allow yourself to be weak and vulnerable (that is, depressed and suicidal and not always happy-go-lucky). So I'm just not sure how to feel satisfied with my friendships. They don't bring me joy. I just feel there.

I know I'm not the first person to feel this way, and I'm sure there are a million posts just like this one. I'm also aware this makes me sound quite pompous and like one of those people who think they're deep when they're not, but I'm not sure how to type this out correctly... I just needed to put it somewhere and move on with my life. I'm not gonna dwell on it any further but it's nice to vent.

 

[blue-moon-miki]

i completely understand, i'm the same way. i'm a very sociable person but i don't feel that way on the inside. i really relate to the being outgoing thing and not being able to show that you're depressed.. my friends and girlfriend care about me and are here for me but i still don't feel like it's okay for me to talk about how i really feel. whenever i'm depressed i just make their lives worse, because i'm messy and rude and checked out. i just feel like i need to keep it on the backburner constantly. i'm sorry you're dealing with this and i understand how you feel

 

[Subject 01]

i completely understand, i'm the same way. i'm a very sociable person but i don't feel that way on the inside. i really relate to the being outgoing thing and not being able to show that you're depressed.. my friends and girlfriend care about me and are here for me but i still don't feel like it's okay for me to talk about how i really feel. whenever i'm depressed i just make their lives worse, because i'm messy and rude and checked out. i just feel like i need to keep it on the backburner constantly. i'm sorry you're dealing with this and i understand how you feel

Hi Miki (if that's what you go by, I'm just assuming lol). Thank you for the reply. I'm super sorry that you relate to this and know this feeling firsthand, honestly I feel like you worded it ten times better than me. I'm also shitty to be around when I'm depressed, so I'd rather hide it too... Are we secret twins or something?

Jokes aside, I think that, deep down, there are a lot of people that feel the same way (depression does that sometimes) and carry this around silently in fear of seeming ungrateful, so it's validating to hear your perspective. God it's such an exhausting experience. Either way I hope things get better for both of us!!

 

[jesteroutofwork]

I can really relate to that, it's almost like the part of my brain that is responsible for feeling of belonging to social groups just died. I feel distanced towards everyone and im reaally tired of it. The only advice I was given was to make more friends, but it doesn't really work. I can sense that wall between me and other people even if im having fun with them. I wonder if this is some kind of condition honestly, it feels irreperable and constant. I really wish I could give a tip on how to fix that but I have no clue. The only thing that helps me cope with it is to workout regularly, that way you just kinda forget about your problems.

 

[Subject 01]

I can really relate to that, it's almost like the part of my brain that is responsible for feeling of belonging to social groups just died. I feel distanced towards everyone and im reaally tired of it. The only advice I was given was to make more friends, but it doesn't really work. I can sense that wall between me and other people even if im having fun with them. I wonder if this is some kind of condition honestly, it feels irreperable and constant. I really wish I could give a tip on how to fix that but I have no clue. The only thing that helps me cope with it is to workout regularly, that way you just kinda forget about your problems.

hello jester! yeah i wish i had advice too but honestly at this point i'm just as lost as you :( "the part of my brain just died" is such a good way to put it because it was alive for me too. it was there before, i dunno what the hell happened... my theory is anhedonia, but i still struggle to understand how my brain just decided that i'm lonely even though i have friends. the mind is insane like that... because how am i still unhappy? that doesn't make any sense.

i have faith that it'll get better. but i don't think making more friends works either because you can have ten people and still feel like none of them would understand you. i met so many people in my life but i always felt out of place.

that being said it's good that you have a way to "cope", man i wish my way of coping was working out considering i want to lose weight, but having the motivation to go to the gym is another story xd honestly getting a break from your own head is a good thing!

best of luck on your journey and take care of yourself! i hope we'll get rid of that feeling soon...

 

[jesteroutofwork]

hello jester! yeah i wish i had advice too but honestly at this point i'm just as lost as you :( "the part of my brain just died" is such a good way to put it because it was alive for me too. it was there before, i dunno what the hell happened... my theory is anhedonia, but i still struggle to understand how my brain just decided that i'm lonely even though i have friends. the mind is insane like that... because how am i still unhappy? that doesn't make any sense.

i have faith that it'll get better. but i don't think making more friends works either because you can have ten people and still feel like none of them would understand you. i met so many people in my life but i always felt out of place.

that being said it's good that you have a way to "cope", man i wish my way of coping was working out considering i want to lose weight, but having the motivation to go to the gym is another story xd honestly getting a break from your own head is a good thing!

best of luck on your journey and take care of yourself! i hope we'll get rid of that feeling soon...

I wonder if maybe it's just undiagnosed autism. It feels too stiff and permanent to not be some sort of condition.
In terms of working out i really recommend giving it a try. Gyms have a lot of different machines and accesories so no matter how fucked up your joints are you will probably find proper exercises for you. I've been training regularly since like 2023 and honestly the peace of mind it gives me is the most important thing. I don't feel particularly excited or thrilled before exercising, but i always feel satisfied and better after a workout, it gives a sense of stability and purpose.
If you want to lose weight i really recommend trying to count your calories on fitatu or some other app, this way you'll discover how caloric dense some foods are and some aren't. The most important thing in losing weight is to be in a caloric deficit, and if you're really stubborn you could do this by eating icecreams and pizza daily (even though it is an awful idea lmao, but it can work). It doesn't really matter what you eat, but how much energy it contains, if we're talking purely about losing/gaining weight. And of course cutting weight pairs greatly with strength/bodybuilding training. Seriously think about it, for me personally if i couldn't exercise I would have probably ctb a long time ago, it's my one and only activity that actually makes sense lmao. I hope to do it for the rest of my life. Take care

 

[StarsAbove]

I feel guilty for even typing this out, because I know I'm loved... but I feel so lonely despite being surrounded by people. I have a boyfriend who (I believe) loves me. I have a good relationship with my mother, and I have friends... sort of. I know a lot of people would love to be in my shoes, but I can't bring myself to be happy.

It feels like all my relationships just stop at the surface. Not sure why I don't feel grateful and instead feel empty and transparent. Like there's this emotional wall between people and I. I'm not sure if I'll be able to truly connect with anyone. My entourage is a bit emotionally... stifled. As much as I like my friends, it's clear they're here to have fun, and that's it. I could never speak to them about my issues or anything of the sorts. I'll never be able to confide in them. I think that prevents me from truly feeling heard and in turn, that turns me into some kind of ghost of myself. I end up performing a version of me that feels fun but ain't me.

I've realized that to keep your relationships going, or just to be socially accepted, you have to be outgoing, fun, and sociable. You can never allow yourself to be weak and vulnerable (that is, depressed and suicidal and not always happy-go-lucky). So I'm just not sure how to feel satisfied with my friendships. They don't bring me joy. I just feel there.

I know I'm not the first person to feel this way, and I'm sure there are a million posts just like this one. I'm also aware this makes me sound quite pompous and like one of those people who think they're deep when they're not, but I'm not sure how to type this out correctly... I just needed to put it somewhere and move on with my life. I'm not gonna dwell on it any further but it's nice to vent.

I dont think that sounds pompous at all! Its hard because I truly think most of us were taught to keep those things private. It feels rather phoney to me, but I am also neurodivergent and I appreciate being able to be honest and authentic. I am sorry to hear that you feel lonely with your friends too.

I think because of my neurodivergence, I also really struggle deeply to connect deeply with others, or at all really. My family is very emotionally distant and all but 1 of My friendships are surface level except for 1 friend but i now have trouble connecting with them because I cant stop feeling like a burden because they are my only emotional outlet and that may be too much to put one 1 person, but if im not connecting emotionally with someone, I feel so disconnected from them and unworthy becsude that seems to be the only language I know how to speak.

 

[milquetoast]

i relate heavily, i just feel so distant at times with my friends. its stupid because i do enjoy the times i'm around them but i just kinda space out sometimes and feel like i often have to be a bit more energetic than how i really am as a person and that gets so tiring.

i have a bad habit of distancing myself too whenever i start to feel worse and that's been a constant strain on some of my friendships and it broke some of them too, and i can't even communicate properly as to why i do that