school makes me suicidal

[gattara]

everyone in my life doesn't understand that im struggling at school and then they get disappointed when i fail. i was always told that i was smart, and so i should have no problems. how can i focus when im constantly thinking of killing myself while im in class? i also think its so hard for me to understand spoken commands and questions, i don't process information well at all in public surrounded by people. i just get overwhelmed and don't know the answer. i keep asking people in my life to understand but they don't understand. they think im struggling in a normal way with college and im not. it makes me want to die every second im in class.

 

[ardea]

I can relate to that. in my first semester of college I put so much effort in but still failed and got put on academic probation, and then in my second I was too depressed to focus on anything (even after halving my credits) and ofc didn't do very well. for a few months I was just going to lectures and dissociating until they ended. I got hospitalized before my finals and then put in an intensive outpatient program for like two months which helped a lot but I think that was mostly just because I wasn't actively doing school. now I have to catch up on all of the material I didn't focus on or straight up missed on my own and take five exams in the next month, which isn't ideal, but I'm a lot better than before in any case and four extra months is better than nothing. I do feel like I'm gonna go straight back to that state when I inevitably fail again though, and it's not like avoiding school is an option because I'm not particularly interested in living without a higher education. it might help you to tell a councilor or doctor about how you're doing, although you might have to be admitted for a bit. my school was surprisingly extremely lenient once I got a letter from the hospital, so yours might be able to lighten your load or something.