dysphoria's a b*tch and she wants me to die

[sweetbraid]

I'm trying so hard. I really do want to not feel like total shit *all* the time. I'm doing my therapy, eating, drinking water, staying away from alcohol, trying to follow through with the people i care about. Trying to start working out and engaging in my passions more. Trying to figure out how to achieve my (lofty asf) goals. Trying to use therapy skills and my own skills. I'm trying really really hard. And I'm okay for a minute. And I'm alone. And dysphoria catches up with me and I can't breathe. So I listen to music or watch dumb tv - dissociating so I can't feel the full weight of my life and my disabilities and my trauma; of my isolation and of my body. Cause if I let myself feel it all, I would probably cease to exist.
And so, I'm doing all what I possibly can to find community, and to minimize my dysphoria; pursuing as much treatment as I can for my trauma and my disabilities. But there's only so much I can do when the things that I need to be healthy are gatekept by foolish, selfish, capitalist doctors, when I'm poor, when I'm Autistic and weird and I won't talk to someone I don't click with on some level.
I've finally gotten to the point where my doctors might be willing to give me testosterone injections. I have my appointment tomorrow. And if they did, although it is second puberty and there will be new challenges, my body could be mine. My body would be less and less a flesh prison, and more and more something I love and adore and am grateful for. But. What if they say no? What if they won't let me go on T for several more months? I've been living like this for my whole life, constantly battling shame and societal BS about beings trans. Maybe I could wait another few weeks, but months? Or not at all? I don't think I could handle it. I understand they have to do certain things to make sure that it won't kill me, but I have to believe that since I was born this way, in this time, in this place, where HRT is blessedly accessible to me, that they will just let me do it. But even so, the health care system here is Fucked Up, especially for trans people, poor people, neurodivergent people, and Indigenous people, all of which I am. So they might still say no. And what happens then? I don't know, but whatever humanity I've retained up to now will probably disappear.
Could you... I don't know, if you feel like it, could you pray for me? Or ask the universe not to shit on me again? Just... something. At this point, I need all that I can get...Regardless of whether or not you do pray for me or anything, thank you for your time. I hope you're doing okay and that everything goes well for you <3

 

[salmon]

I cannot pray but I can feel for you and I will. Sounds like you're working really hard and could at least be proud of yourself. Good luck out there. And universe, could you like, chill, with this one? Thanks

 

[SkarletWitch]

As previous answer says, it looks like you are achieving a lot on a daily basis, things that may not be noticible, but they are here nonetheless. And it makes me very proud, that you are succiding in them despite troubles you have to face. Look forward to your appointments, that may give you more troubles but they can also open new possibilities and posotive feelings in long term perspective.

We love you, and I will be glad if you also will start loving yourself.
To remind you, I'm proud of you.

You are doing great, despite your worries, y o u are doing great.
Love sent. <3

 

[CuddleHug]

I feel for you, @sweetbraid. A lot of what you said resonates with me. Life is a struggle. You never get what you want, at least not easily. Whatever you need right now, you will get eventually. Keep fighting, you will get through this.

My only advice when it comes to doctors and getting the treatment you deserve is to show no doubt. Be confident and make sure they understand that you know what you want. It can be hard, but being assertive and sure of yourself is key to getting the right treatment.

You said you'd have the appointment tomorrow, so I may be a bit late with this comment. I hope it went well. Feel free to update us if you want.

Many hugs and lots of love

 

[wait.what]

Hey there, @sweetbraid, how did your appointment go? To some extent I've been in your shoes, in that I'm also transmasc. I've been on T about 3 years. In my case, I leaned heavily on my local trans community to get me past the gatekeepers. It helps a lot to know ahead of time whether X medical practice wants to hear about how your life is a wreck, and only T will fix you, while practice Y wants to hear that you're doing great, without the slightest hint of a mental illness that could cloud your judgment about what you want. (I've found that most somehow want to hear both at the same time, which would be hilarious if it weren't sad and infuriating.)

I know that not every area has a community of out trans people, and that communities of all kinds are usually harder for people with autism to navigate. A disproportionate number of transmasculine people do have ASD, though, so you're far from alone. (All we have at the moment are theories as to why ASD and being an AFAB trans person seem to go together. Most of the theories are founded in bigotry and correlation/causation errors, so I wouldn't Google it.).

Even still, it might be worth your time to try and connect over the internet with anyone from your area who has sought HRT from local doctors. If today's meeting didn't go the way you hoped, you may find the name of a more amenable doctor.

 

[sweetbraid]

Update: they said yes! i get my first shot this Thursday, and im ecstatic, i feel so hopeful about my body and life and hopeful about how i'll manage the new challenges coming with it as well :) i really appreciate the support and good wishes and helpful advice! yall r awesome

 

[salmon]

That's so wonderful to hear! Congratulations!!

 

[lost_soul83]

I'm trying so hard. I really do want to not feel like total shit *all* the time. I'm doing my therapy, eating, drinking water, staying away from alcohol, trying to follow through with the people i care about. Trying to start working out and engaging in my passions more. Trying to figure out how to achieve my (lofty asf) goals. Trying to use therapy skills and my own skills. I'm trying really really hard. And I'm okay for a minute. And I'm alone. And dysphoria catches up with me and I can't breathe. So I listen to music or watch dumb tv - dissociating so I can't feel the full weight of my life and my disabilities and my trauma; of my isolation and of my body. Cause if I let myself feel it all, I would probably cease to exist.
And so, I'm doing all what I possibly can to find community, and to minimize my dysphoria; pursuing as much treatment as I can for my trauma and my disabilities. But there's only so much I can do when the things that I need to be healthy are gatekept by foolish, selfish, capitalist doctors, when I'm poor, when I'm Autistic and weird and I won't talk to someone I don't click with on some level.
I've finally gotten to the point where my doctors might be willing to give me testosterone injections. I have my appointment tomorrow. And if they did, although it is second puberty and there will be new challenges, my body could be mine. My body would be less and less a flesh prison, and more and more something I love and adore and am grateful for. But. What if they say no? What if they won't let me go on T for several more months? I've been living like this for my whole life, constantly battling shame and societal BS about beings trans. Maybe I could wait another few weeks, but months? Or not at all? I don't think I could handle it. I understand they have to do certain things to make sure that it won't kill me, but I have to believe that since I was born this way, in this time, in this place, where HRT is blessedly accessible to me, that they will just let me do it. But even so, the health care system here is Fucked Up, especially for trans people, poor people, neurodivergent people, and Indigenous people, all of which I am. So they might still say no. And what happens then? I don't know, but whatever humanity I've retained up to now will probably disappear.
Could you... I don't know, if you feel like it, could you pray for me? Or ask the universe not to shit on me again? Just... something. At this point, I need all that I can get...Regardless of whether or not you do pray for me or anything, thank you for your time. I hope you're doing okay and that everything goes well for you <3

I'll definitely be praying for you sweetheart.

 

[noaccount]

@sweetbraid congrats I'm so happy for you!

@wait.what I appreciate yr perspective on this a lot

 

[Trans Magus]

Oh man, I'm in a very similar situation. Poor, autistic, trans. Other way around, though (MtF). I managed to get hormones through Medicaid and they're helping, though it's slow going.

I really hope testosterone helps you out. Having a body you hate fucking sucks so much.

 

[suicidal_joe]

Update: they said yes! i get my first shot this Thursday, and im ecstatic, i feel so hopeful about my body and life and hopeful about how i'll manage the new challenges coming with it as well :) i really appreciate the support and good wishes and helpful advice! yall r awesome

Congratulations!!!!!