Venting I want to die so bad

[Malaria]

I've been in a really ugly headspace. I don't really want to go into too much detail publicly, but I'm miserable right now. I've been self harming, to the point where I'm bleeding. I feel so alone. I feel like everyone hates me. I feel like no one supports me or wants me. I'm so afraid of rejection and abandonment. I often feel like no one out there really gives a shit about me and what I'm going through or how I feel. I feel like if I do open up about what's causing me so much pain, I'm just going to be ridiculed by everyone, they're going to make fun of me and not understand where I'm coming from. They're just going to blame me for everything and make me feel worse. I feel so alone, I can't talk to people in my personal life about this because the things they say often just make me feel worse. I just feel like I'm destined to be hated and rejected by everyone. And when I'm confronted with that, that I'm going to be rejected and hated by everyone, it makes me think I'm better off just getting it over with and taking my own life. I've been crying and hurting myself all night, I've been in a self loathing spiral all night. I feel watched, I feel like there are people secretly watching me and laughing at me.

Anyway, that's just a vent. I just wanted to let it out there. I really don't know what to do with myself. The only place I feel like I can get any compassion for the way I feel is here, because everyone else in my personal life makes me feel so alone.

 

[Proteus]

Just making sure you feel heard. I'd talk to you myself, but I'm so bad at talking to people I don't want you to feel worse. :( Either way, just letting you know you are listened, and your concerns are understood by many of us. Take care.

 

[iloverachel]

Hope you feel better soon
Keep venting to us
Always here to listen

 

[destinationlosangel]

Hi Malaria,

I have come across some of ur posts in the past and I know inherently that ur a good person. And I'm so sorry that ur going thru this. If u ever wanna talk/vent/whatever, I am here for u.

 

[Malaria]

I appreciate your kind words. I haven't been able to sleep at all. I've been up all night suicidal and alone. I've been crying on and off for about nine hours and am caught between offing myself and trying to change something. And the self-loathing. I feel so much self-loathing.

 

[CheekyPhobia]

Hope you're feeling a little better now. I feel for you when you say that you don't believe that you can rely on anyone close to you, it's very tough when things are like that. Isolation + misery is always an unpleasant combination and easy to dwell on, hope you aren't cutting too much though.
Also wanted to say that i like your music taste; the unplugged version of Nutshell is definitely in my top 5.

 

[Malaria]

Hope you're feeling a little better now. I feel for you when you say that you don't believe that you can rely on anyone close to you, it's very tough when things are like that. Isolation + misery is always an unpleasant combination and easy to dwell on, hope you aren't cutting too much though.

A little bit, though I am feeling overwhelming guilt. Over the weekend I had a massive BPD episode and that's pretty much what caused me to start this thread.

Also wanted to say that i like your music taste; the unplugged version of Nutshell is definitely in my top 5.

Thank you!