Do you WANT to CTB, or do you feel like you HAVE to CTB?

[Cockney_Rebel]

OP, what do you mean you are addicted to overdosing? Is this a figure of speech, or is it more about how the drugs make you feel?

As for me, I don't really want to CTB, but it's the best option I may have, so it feels like I have little choice in the matter.

I'm addicted to the whole process, buddy.

I love the drips, the cannulas, the blood tests, the being sick, the pain when you have nothing left to vomit up … all of it.

I suppose, being EUPD/BPD, I have to admit that I also enjoy the attention.

The only things I don't like is the actual bolting (downing the tablets) and the usual sectioning once I've been medically cleared.

 

[fruit-loops]

I will have to do it because of my hopeless situation.

I feel like I HAVE to die. My BPD and anxiety are taking chunks out of me :(

I also feel that I have to. I'd like to be capable of living a complete and fulfilling lifetime, but I feel that it's late to me and my experience says that there is no relieve for me in this life. More then once I felt almost happy in the past, but suddenly something start to go wrong, so you don't want to loose what you have and start fighting, then you realise that there is no peace for you. There was never.

It isn't a choice. It is a necessity. The necessity of stop suffering at last...

 

[Irrelevant biologist]

Myself, I get a lot of intrusive thoughts, telling me to do it.

That I have to do it, even though at the time I may not be feeling like doing it.

I have a dual diagnosis of EUPD/BPD and OCD, so this could explain some of it. However, I have received zero help from the mental health "service" and I have become addicted to overdosing. I just love it.

So how about you? Do you really want to die, or is it more a case of you thinking that you have to die?

This is SO ME.

 

[motel rooms]

There's nothing grandiose about it for me. Too much suffering + not enough pleasure = stupid, & I don't wanna become stupid.

 

[Demonnn]

Myself, I get a lot of intrusive thoughts, telling me to do it.

That I have to do it, even though at the time I may not be feeling like doing it.

I have a dual diagnosis of EUPD/BPD and OCD, so this could explain some of it. However, I have received zero help from the mental health "service" and I have become addicted to overdosing. I just love it.

So how about you? Do you really want to die, or is it more a case of you thinking that you have to die?

Mine is like both I want to and when i dont want to my mind keeps telling me that is better to catch the bus, thinking in ctb makes me feel better so maybe is what i really need

 

[Cockney_Rebel]

OP, what do you mean you are addicted to overdosing? Is this a figure of speech, or is it more about how the drugs make you feel?

As for me, I don't really want to CTB, but it's the best option I may have, so it feels like I have little choice in the matter.

I like the process, buddy.

Everything except for the actual taking of the tablets (pro tip: a Slim Fast strawberry shake makes them go down quite easily) and the being/feeling sick.

I love the cannulas, the drips, the blood tests, and admittedly, the bit of TLC.

Thst's for the paracetamol overdoses. As for the big ones (zopiclone & diazepam, in the hundreds) I love the possibility of finally CTB, and reincarnating.

Hope that makes sense?

Let me know

 

[ElizabethsFault]

I can't handle my current suffering. I certainly can't handle a future when the suffering worsens. I need to die more than I want to die.

 

[Alwaysbadtime]

I have to. I am fucking pissed that I have to. SO FUCKING ANGRY.

 

[Cockney_Rebel]

I can't handle my current suffering. I certainly can't handle a future when the suffering worsens. I need to die more than I want to die.

I feel for you, buddy.

I have to. I am fucking pissed that I have to. SO FUCKING ANGRY.

What makes you feel that you have to, bud?

 

[PaxAmerica]

I used to like life. A lot of things happened which didnt particularly phase me despite being me being a worryer and suffering from anxiety all my life. I used to just forget about things and look on bright side. So the thought of CTB was alien to me.
But then a series of bad events and bad luck destroyed me and now I also look back at all the other things from my past that I had ignored. I struggle to get the thoughts out of my head and now I see no way out other than one day CTB.
So in answer its not a choice so much as a response to circumstance. I have terrible luck and it just gets worse. CTB would end it.

 

[hybridtheory]

I feel like I have to because everyone around me has had to deal with my suicide attempts/thoughts for such a
long time, so I feel as if I have to own up to it and keep trying until I succeed. Having people witness my constant failures
makes me want to try even harder next time. I've also spent most of my life dealing with depression and all the bad thoughts,
that if I give up now then I basically wasted my whole life ... when I could've spent that time trying to get better.

If that makes any sense?

and I just see ctb being the way I leave this world ... not by accident or old age, etc.

 

[Foreversad]

Both

 

[intheweeds]

Have. I have a personality disorder that causes a lot of anxiety and isolation.

Just feels like I'd save myself a lot of future suffering if I get it out of the way.

 

[Cockney_Rebel]

I feel like I have to because everyone around me has had to deal with my suicide attempts/thoughts for such a
long time, so I feel as if I have to own up to it and keep trying until I succeed. Having people witness my constant failures
makes me want to try even harder next time. I've also spent most of my life dealing with depression and all the bad thoughts,
that if I give up now then I basically wasted my whole life ... when I could've spent that time trying to get better.

If that makes any sense?

and I just see ctb being the way I leave this world ... not by accident or old age, etc.

That makes perfect sense.

Have. I have a personality disorder that causes a lot of anxiety and isolation.

Just feels like I'd save myself a lot of future suffering if I get it out of the way.

Ditto.

 

[Antigonish]

I don't have too. I want too. Every since I was a kid I've wished I could disappear. Be somewhere else. Do something else. Ya know, just kinda like get away. But everything always comes full circle. Just feels like the universe is draining the me I like to be of my essence and morals. Talk about growing up, and how you never really stop. But the headaches persist. The bullshit remains but just changes faces and places.

Everytime I get the notion of happiness or the feeling like I could live with this. The darkness creeps back in. Shit happens and I fuck up or others do. And I have to sit down and think what I want to do with my life. And the not know always leads to same two answers. Cut it out (literally) or end it.

 

[Kimuraaaa]

Both I guess. I want to, I've wanted to for as long as I can remember basically. But I feel like I kind of have to at this point too.

 

[one.way.out]

I dunno. I don't really want to ctb, I feel more like I have to, but on the other hand, I don't really think dying is as bad as my mind makes it out to be.

 

[ElizabethsFault]

I feel for you, buddy.

What makes you feel that you have to, bud?

My life has progressively worsened in every possible way, since the start of 2018. I have a constant pain in my chest which feels like a heart attack waiting to happen. I have a fear of doctors, nurses, hospitals and all healthcare professionals; so much so, I'm afraid to get a Covid vaccine. If I don't CTB soon, the lack of preventive healthcare will kill me slowly. Also, my inability to trust, after being betrayed 50 too many times, leaves me with a future of complete isolation & it's not a life worth living.

 

[nobodyspecial]

I feel like I have to. Anything that was to become of this life would've happened by now. Don't want to be here just to exist for other people.

 

[Adamsnolife]

Both to be honest.

 

[sawitontheground]

I want to CTB since so many years, I'm sure about it. But to be honest during last year it appeared that I also have to. Being dysfunctional at so many levels is just a pain that I don't want to endure, especially after seeking help that worsened my situation.

 

[clown_17]

Have to. I still realize that there's beauty in life one can find: friendships, nature, travel, accomplishments. It's just that because of my mental illness none of these things are possible to me. And I can't stand the thought of continuing to live the life I live forever. It doesn't seem realistic to me that things will ever change so I have to make this choice in order to save me from more pain.

 

[Huntfish34]

As stated above... I really don't want to die,. But feel like I Need to. The whole death thing , being Gone forever, not being able to enjoy " some parts " of life Genuinely scares the Fck outta me to be honest.

Lucky me tho.... I have numerous firearms cocked , locked, and ready to rock.. So I can be Gone fairly quickly and painless .

 

[Cockney_Rebel]

As stated above... I really don't want to die,. But feel like I Need to. The whole death thing , being Gone forever, not being able to enjoy " some parts " of life Genuinely scares the Fck outta me to be honest.

Lucky me tho.... I have numerous firearms cocked , locked, and ready to rock.. So I can be Gone fairly quickly and painless .

"The whole death thing , being Gone forever, not being able to enjoy " some parts " of life Genuinely scares the Fck outta me to be honest." … I hear your on that one, but I believe in reincarnation, so I know I'm coming back.

My next life will be "the one." This one was/is a flop, so fuck it.

How about I fly over and borrow one of your shooters??

 

[Huntfish34]

Haha,. I've got a few of them. Fly on over.

 

[noname223]

Clearly I have to. I run out of options. Everything will screw me immensly. There is probably no escape.

 

[Cockney_Rebel]

Haha,. I've got a few of them. Fly on over.

Cheers, bud.

I might just hold you to that …

 

[Huntfish34]

.45 I'd say is more than enough. I think you should be good with it and proper aiming.

 

[Cockney_Rebel]

.45 I'd say is more than enough. I think you should be good with it and proper aiming.

Never shot a gun before, but if it's pointed right up against my head, surely I couldn't miss?

I've actually thought about shooting myself through the heart, instead.

 

[Freelyffe88]

I think I just like the idea of choosing to die, instead of waiting around like a clown for it to happen.
I don't want to be mother nature's bitch, I want mother nature to be my bitch. I want to go out on my terms!