Venting Do you want people to notice your pain?

[LilGhost]

I'm planning to ctb in few days. Met with my friends today. Gave one my goodbye gift. Made some "jokes" about leaving and asked some questions because well… I wanna know what would happen after I'm done. They didn't figure out. Only after I sent short goodbye when I got back home (as I wanted to be able to say how I love them as friends and receive an answer when I am still alive) I got a call to make sure that I'm not in a progress of ctb, but they trusted me easily that no everything is okay
I don't know. I just want at least my close people to notice. I don't want to be stopped and I understand that it's selfish making them realize I'm about to ctb and just make them watch me do so, but I wanna be a bit egoistic. I want to leave knowing that some people cared. I have ugly jealousy for people who receive support and help after their attempts. I want my attempt to succeed but I want to feel loved before that. I know they won't even attend my funerals, because they'd need to fly to another country as there is no way my parents would let me be burned in peace in country I live in and would request my body to be transported to my home country. Maybe that's for the best tho, as they won't miss me.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

No, not one bit. I would never put anyone I cared about through that. Life will go on after we're gone (as it should), that's what will happen.

 

[Front Back]

Kinda want to just leave and be found dead years later.

 

[BlueMist96]

Yes. I want people to know that I'm suffering. I want sympathy. I crave attention. I hate this part of myself. I'm not letting myself do that to people.

 

[neverexistedd]

no, people only make things worse

 

[Forever Sleep]

I used to- when I was younger. Especially with a best friend. I wanted them to realise when I was hurting. But then- that was pretty much all the time and- not many people can cope with that (understandably.)

Now though- no- I don't want people to realise because often- their responses don't help me. It will be how they or others have it worse. It will be all the things I should be doing to improve the situation.

I just want to be left alone now. I know what might help me. I also know what I am and am not willing to do. So- receiving another lecture on it only irritates me.