I have a lot of conflicting feelings around my suicidality. By appearances my life isn't too bad, and I think a lot of people would say that I have a lot to live for. But I think this really just makes my despair feel all the more unfixable. I coped with my depression for years by setting aims for the future, then constantly moved the goal posts further and further out as I satisfied them. Now I have no more milestones to look forward to. I have come to accept that there is just some deep incurable brokenness in my spirit, and I have no choice but to live with it or CTB.