Story I feel like I am living past my time. It feels strange.

[The Disqualified]

A reflection:

I feel weird. I feel so strange. These last two years I have been feeling stranger and stranger.
These last 6 months or so extremely so.
It feels surreal, like getting high without drugs.

Just going outside feels so strange and outer-wordly.

After reflecting for a bit, I started to realize how I really feel. No single explanation quite covers it, but some approach it very closely.

3 years ago I was with my SN bottle in the bathroom. I was looking at it, admiring it in a way...
I was thinking to myself: "I must do this".
My anguish at that point of my life was beyond words.

That moment of my life was just a culmination of decades of suffering and pain; to put it simply, I was confident I would die by suicide someday, and soon.
I had planned dates, written letters, imagined scenarios...
Suicide seemed like my inescapable fate.

Yet, here I am...
My life kept going, but I wasn't the same.
Something changed. It felt like I was finally living and being myself for the first time of my life, like I had woken up after an excruciatingly long nightmare.
All the past seemed like a blur—a time when I was a mindless drone folllowing orders and suffering punishments I did not yet understand—like an unbearably long prologue to a novel that I had finally gotten over.

I feel like I lived past my time.
I used to say in my posts I was living on borrowed time. I don't even feel like that anymore.
My time has all depleted already. By all accounts I am dead.

I am currently living in a timeless void. A posthumous existence.

Like I am seeing a part of my life I was never meant to see.
I walk outside and feel like I am in a dream I was never meant to experience.

I still feel like a permanent outsider of society in a way. I am this spectator.
I don't know how to explain. It feels bizarre and strange.
Nothing changed: I still feel different from others and outside society—but I also see things differently now.

It feels like that post-credits scene that refuses to end.
The credits were rolled, the movie has ended, but the lights are still off. The audience refuses to get up and leave, instead staring at the black screen, as if something was going to come out of it eventually.
Nothing feels the same anymore.

I feel so strange. I don't know exactly what to do, but I don't want to die either.

I don't want to die. I don't feel like I want to die even though that was my innermost wish for some 4 years of my life.

I feel better.
Will this feeling last?

I feel... more at peace.
I don't know how to explain.
Maybe someone feels similarly.

I have been working towards being more solicitous and sociable with others these days.
I feel better in a way. And I also like seeing others get better.

I remember I used to take comfort in shared misery and doomerism, but I don't feel like that anymore, strangely enough. I like seeing good things happen to me and to others.

I feel like I had lived a very sheltered life, to be honest.
This kind of life is never worth living. I always wanted liberation from this.

Anyway, I just wrote this to reflect on things. Maybe some people remember some of my previous posts.
Whenever someone relates to what I write I feel comfort in a way, like there are those that understand me.

I am happy if people find solace in my words.
People are always open to DM me. I am open to talking to others, and I hope to be more active here, especially in the recovery section.

I like talking with others here in Sasu, actually. It feels strange to talk with suicidal people, but I don't know...
I feel like those are my kind of people in a way. It is hard to explain.

Whenever I see a suicidal, previously suicidal, or depressed person I instantly feel more of a connection to them.
To then switch to the 'normal' social world feels a bit jarring and even fake sometimes.

Like there is this whole other side to life...
But I have written enough.

Sending virtual hugs.

 

[Archness]

It's at least a peaceful feeling, right? Wanting to live, wanting to die, whatever one truly wants, the most important thing is certainty.
Glad to hear you're not so buried under darkness, and "doomerism" recently. I'm guessing you're life's really "empty", but you're still managing to find some enjoyment with what your describing.

That's the most similar thing I feel. Even though a life worth living it truly impossible for me, I can still squeeze out some enjoyment, and that's what I'll do. Maybe you'll get better, it's just a temporary peace before you ctb, but it's certainly a point of clarity. Simply not actively wanting to die and desperately grasping for the nearest method is already a large improvement, and I'm hoping you'll continue to feel better .

 

[The Disqualified]

It's at least a peaceful feeling, right? Wanting to live, wanting to die, whatever one truly wants, the most important thing is certainty.
Glad to hear you're not so buried under darkness, and "doomerism" recently. I'm guessing you're life's really "empty", but you're still managing to find some enjoyment with what your describing.

Thank you for your kind words.

Yes, it feels empty in a way, but not the feeling of 'empty' from when I was suicidal. It feels empty in a neutral way instead of a painful one.

That's the most similar thing I feel. Even though a life worth living it truly impossible for me, I can still squeeze out some enjoyment, and that's what I'll do.

I empathize with you. You say your life feels "empty" by your words.
Do you mind sharing why "a life worth living" seems impossible for you?

Maybe you'll get better, it's just a temporary peace before you ctb, but it's certainly a point of clarity.

It indeed is a point of clarity.
I don't intend to commit suicide at all these days.
The mere thought of it seems repulsive today, even though before it seemed like my only hope. It is strange.
I don't know when exactly this shift happened, but I guess it was gradual.

Nowadays suicide doesn't seem like freedom; it seems like defeat, as if that's what was planned for me all along ever since the day I was born.

Suicide for me feels like acquiescing to this plan I had no input in. The people and places that hurt me for being different would lead me to my end.

I guess this is why living feels so strange. It feels like going off-script, defying this horrible and cruel plan that leads so many like me to suicide.

I guess this is where my feeling of connection comes from as well. A part of me wishes that it was all different, that this horrible script was thrown into trash bin forever.

It really is a horrible thing how much suffering the people of the world have to go through, especially those who are excluded, hurt and discriminated solely because they are different—that is profoundly cruel, truthfully.

I don't minimize people who want to commit suicide, of course. I know how painful it can be, and I do not judge anyone for their decisions, as long as they don't hurt others.
I see the suffering of the world through such a tragic lens.

Simply not actively wanting to die and desperately grasping for the nearest method is already a large improvement, and I'm hoping you'll continue to feel better .

Thank you. I hope you will feel better as well—you seem like a kind soul.

Sending virtual hugs.

 

[Archness]

Do you mind sharing why "a life worth living" seems impossible for you?

I have Autism and can't really "get" much of anything or connect with anyone at all. Also constantly dissociated.

Autism is a really wide spectrum from people who literally can't talk or comprehend language to average people to a few good professionals. I'm basically in the cursed middle where I can't live normally in society but I'm too conscious and aware to exist in blissful ignorance. I can't connect to others or find "real" joy in life, I just keep my self alive to pass the time until I die, really. I'm very lonely with my 1-room NEET lifestyle. fml

 

[plskilme]

A reflection:

I feel weird. I feel so strange. These last two years I have been feeling stranger and stranger.
These last 6 months or so extremely so.
It feels surreal, like getting high without drugs.

Just going outside feels so strange and outer-wordly.

After reflecting for a bit, I started to realize how I really feel. No single explanation quite covers it, but some approach it very closely.

3 years ago I was with my SN bottle in the bathroom. I was looking at it, admiring it in a way...
I was thinking to myself: "I must do this".
My anguish at that point of my life was beyond words.

That moment of my life was just a culmination of decades of suffering and pain; to put it simply, I was confident I would die by suicide someday, and soon.
I had planned dates, written letters, imagined scenarios...
Suicide seemed like my inescapable fate.

Yet, here I am...
My life kept going, but I wasn't the same.
Something changed. It felt like I was finally living and being myself for the first time of my life, like I had woken up after an excruciatingly long nightmare.
All the past seemed like a blur—a time when I was a mindless drone folllowing orders and suffering punishments I did not yet understand—like an unbearably long prologue to a novel that I had finally gotten over.

I feel like I lived past my time.
I used to say in my posts I was living on borrowed time. I don't even feel like that anymore.
My time has all depleted already. By all accounts I am dead.

I am currently living in a timeless void. A posthumous existence.

Like I am seeing a part of my life I was never meant to see.
I walk outside and feel like I am in a dream I was never meant to experience.

I still feel like a permanent outsider of society in a way. I am this spectator.
I don't know how to explain. It feels bizarre and strange.
Nothing changed: I still feel different from others and outside society—but I also see things differently now.

It feels like that post-credits scene that refuses to end.
The credits were rolled, the movie has ended, but the lights are still off. The audience refuses to get up and leave, instead staring at the black screen, as if something was going to come out of it eventually.
Nothing feels the same anymore.

I feel so strange. I don't know exactly what to do, but I don't want to die either.

I don't want to die. I don't feel like I want to die even though that was my innermost wish for some 4 years of my life.

I feel better.
Will this feeling last?

I feel... more at peace.
I don't know how to explain.
Maybe someone feels similarly.

I have been working towards being more solicitous and sociable with others these days.
I feel better in a way. And I also like seeing others get better.

I remember I used to take comfort in shared misery and doomerism, but I don't feel like that anymore, strangely enough. I like seeing good things happen to me and to others.

I feel like I had lived a very sheltered life, to be honest.
This kind of life is never worth living. I always wanted liberation from this.

Anyway, I just wrote this to reflect on things. Maybe some people remember some of my previous posts.
Whenever someone relates to what I write I feel comfort in a way, like there are those that understand me.

I am happy if people find solace in my words.
People are always open to DM me. I am open to talking to others, and I hope to be more active here, especially in the recovery section.

I like talking with others here in Sasu, actually. It feels strange to talk with suicidal people, but I don't know...
I feel like those are my kind of people in a way. It is hard to explain.

Whenever I see a suicidal, previously suicidal, or depressed person I instantly feel more of a connection to them.
To then switch to the 'normal' social world feels a bit jarring and even fake sometimes.

Like there is this whole other side to life...
But I have written enough.

Sending virtual hugs.

When I was in high school I always told myself I wouldn't make it past 30... but here I am at the age of 27 and quickly approaching 30. I want to die because everyone I know around me is accomplishing so much, then there's my autistic, adhd ass. I hate myself so much and I wish I hadn't made it this far. I just want to be in a coma for a few weeks, or long enough for them to pull the plug on my ass. PLEASE, JUST TAKE ME AWAY GOD... or at least put me in a coma for a few months/years. I need a break from life's constant bullshit.