The Disqualified
Disqualified as a Human Being
- Feb 4, 2023
- 308
A reflection:
I feel weird. I feel so strange. These last two years I have been feeling stranger and stranger.
These last 6 months or so extremely so.
It feels surreal, like getting high without drugs.
Just going outside feels so strange and outer-wordly.
After reflecting for a bit, I started to realize how I really feel. No single explanation quite covers it, but some approach it very closely.
3 years ago I was with my SN bottle in the bathroom. I was looking at it, admiring it in a way...
I was thinking to myself: "I must do this".
My anguish at that point of my life was beyond words.
That moment of my life was just a culmination of decades of suffering and pain; to put it simply, I was confident I would die by suicide someday, and soon.
I had planned dates, written letters, imagined scenarios...
Suicide seemed like my inescapable fate.
Yet, here I am...
My life kept going, but I wasn't the same.
Something changed. It felt like I was finally living and being myself for the first time of my life, like I had woken up after an excruciatingly long nightmare.
All the past seemed like a blur—a time when I was a mindless drone folllowing orders and suffering punishments I did not yet understand—like an unbearably long prologue to a novel that I had finally gotten over.
I feel like I lived past my time.
I used to say in my posts I was living on borrowed time. I don't even feel like that anymore.
My time has all depleted already. By all accounts I am dead.
I am currently living in a timeless void. A posthumous existence.
Like I am seeing a part of my life I was never meant to see.
I walk outside and feel like I am in a dream I was never meant to experience.
I still feel like a permanent outsider of society in a way. I am this spectator.
I don't know how to explain. It feels bizarre and strange.
Nothing changed: I still feel different from others and outside society—but I also see things differently now.
It feels like that post-credits scene that refuses to end.
The credits were rolled, the movie has ended, but the lights are still off. The audience refuses to get up and leave, instead staring at the black screen, as if something was going to come out of it eventually.
Nothing feels the same anymore.
I feel so strange. I don't know exactly what to do, but I don't want to die either.
I don't want to die. I don't feel like I want to die even though that was my innermost wish for some 4 years of my life.
I feel better.
Will this feeling last?
I feel... more at peace.
I don't know how to explain.
Maybe someone feels similarly.
I have been working towards being more solicitous and sociable with others these days.
I feel better in a way. And I also like seeing others get better.
I remember I used to take comfort in shared misery and doomerism, but I don't feel like that anymore, strangely enough. I like seeing good things happen to me and to others.
I feel like I had lived a very sheltered life, to be honest.
This kind of life is never worth living. I always wanted liberation from this.
Anyway, I just wrote this to reflect on things. Maybe some people remember some of my previous posts.
Whenever someone relates to what I write I feel comfort in a way, like there are those that understand me.
I am happy if people find solace in my words.
People are always open to DM me. I am open to talking to others, and I hope to be more active here, especially in the recovery section.
I like talking with others here in Sasu, actually. It feels strange to talk with suicidal people, but I don't know...
I feel like those are my kind of people in a way. It is hard to explain.
Whenever I see a suicidal, previously suicidal, or depressed person I instantly feel more of a connection to them.
To then switch to the 'normal' social world feels a bit jarring and even fake sometimes.
Like there is this whole other side to life...
But I have written enough.
Sending virtual hugs.
I feel weird. I feel so strange. These last two years I have been feeling stranger and stranger.
These last 6 months or so extremely so.
It feels surreal, like getting high without drugs.
Just going outside feels so strange and outer-wordly.
After reflecting for a bit, I started to realize how I really feel. No single explanation quite covers it, but some approach it very closely.
3 years ago I was with my SN bottle in the bathroom. I was looking at it, admiring it in a way...
I was thinking to myself: "I must do this".
My anguish at that point of my life was beyond words.
That moment of my life was just a culmination of decades of suffering and pain; to put it simply, I was confident I would die by suicide someday, and soon.
I had planned dates, written letters, imagined scenarios...
Suicide seemed like my inescapable fate.
Yet, here I am...
My life kept going, but I wasn't the same.
Something changed. It felt like I was finally living and being myself for the first time of my life, like I had woken up after an excruciatingly long nightmare.
All the past seemed like a blur—a time when I was a mindless drone folllowing orders and suffering punishments I did not yet understand—like an unbearably long prologue to a novel that I had finally gotten over.
I feel like I lived past my time.
I used to say in my posts I was living on borrowed time. I don't even feel like that anymore.
My time has all depleted already. By all accounts I am dead.
I am currently living in a timeless void. A posthumous existence.
Like I am seeing a part of my life I was never meant to see.
I walk outside and feel like I am in a dream I was never meant to experience.
I still feel like a permanent outsider of society in a way. I am this spectator.
I don't know how to explain. It feels bizarre and strange.
Nothing changed: I still feel different from others and outside society—but I also see things differently now.
It feels like that post-credits scene that refuses to end.
The credits were rolled, the movie has ended, but the lights are still off. The audience refuses to get up and leave, instead staring at the black screen, as if something was going to come out of it eventually.
Nothing feels the same anymore.
I feel so strange. I don't know exactly what to do, but I don't want to die either.
I don't want to die. I don't feel like I want to die even though that was my innermost wish for some 4 years of my life.
I feel better.
Will this feeling last?
I feel... more at peace.
I don't know how to explain.
Maybe someone feels similarly.
I have been working towards being more solicitous and sociable with others these days.
I feel better in a way. And I also like seeing others get better.
I remember I used to take comfort in shared misery and doomerism, but I don't feel like that anymore, strangely enough. I like seeing good things happen to me and to others.
I feel like I had lived a very sheltered life, to be honest.
This kind of life is never worth living. I always wanted liberation from this.
Anyway, I just wrote this to reflect on things. Maybe some people remember some of my previous posts.
Whenever someone relates to what I write I feel comfort in a way, like there are those that understand me.
I am happy if people find solace in my words.
People are always open to DM me. I am open to talking to others, and I hope to be more active here, especially in the recovery section.
I like talking with others here in Sasu, actually. It feels strange to talk with suicidal people, but I don't know...
I feel like those are my kind of people in a way. It is hard to explain.
Whenever I see a suicidal, previously suicidal, or depressed person I instantly feel more of a connection to them.
To then switch to the 'normal' social world feels a bit jarring and even fake sometimes.
Like there is this whole other side to life...
But I have written enough.
Sending virtual hugs.
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