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Pg.964

Pg.964

Lifeless
Jul 27, 2023
90
Everyone knows, family, friends, exes, all my coworkers. I'm surprised I haven't shouted it from the rooftops. I don't recommend doing this, but I'm not suffering in silence. I'm in extreme pain and I want everyone to know. Especially since it severely limits my ability to do basic things in life. I'm not considered disabled by the govt, but not getting out of bed and dissociating nearly all hours of the day sounds pretty crippling to me idk.
 
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B

bipbapbop

Experienced
Mar 7, 2024
276
Only my best friend knows. I revealed it to her in a moment of weakness after I tried to CTB recently and I honestly think she resents me for it. She's also very depressed and has been battling with her own personal losses and I think it's difficult for her to imagine losing another person in her life. We used to talk every day, but recently we barely talk anymore.

My family knows that I am depressed, but not suicidal. They are so busy with their own lives that they don't seem to have noticed that I have dropped off the face of the Earth. I live in another country by myself and haven't responded to any of their messages in weeks and no one has reached out. I reached out a few times earlier this year, but I always get a lecture about how I'm going to be fine and time will heal all wounds.
 
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AllMyDreams

AllMyDreams

Experienced
Dec 12, 2021
279
Ain't this the thing? It's almost like there's a double standard. If you're a suicidal teen it's "just being a struggling teen" but if you're older it's this huge deal. I got the "all teens go through this" lecture from my parents and got zero treatment. I always wonder if I'd be more well adjusted now if they would have actually taken me seriously when I was young.
That's a good point. Also I was clearly neurodivergent when I was a kid but my parents basically said it's fine and as a kid I just need to be treated normally. If I had had help/understanding of myself earlier I might have ended up in a better place.
 
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Ash

Ash

Enlightened
Oct 4, 2021
1,494
Ain't this the thing? It's almost like there's a double standard. If you're a suicidal teen it's "just being a struggling teen" but if you're older it's this huge deal. I got the "all teens go through this" lecture from my parents and got zero treatment. I always wonder if I'd be more well adjusted now if they would have actually taken me seriously when I was young.
Ha! IME as a middle aged adult, the focus is all on kids and young people. They weren't interested when we were growing up in the 80s and 90s and now we're still struggling it's all "that's normal for you" and they're still not interested. 🤷🤦😂
 
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tsumihoroboshi

tsumihoroboshi

Lost Impact
Oct 31, 2023
198
everybody knows is very aware of it including the self-harm, they can't really do anything about it though so i'm just kinda suffering until i find the permanent method. they make casual jokes about it.
 
Dr Iron Arc

Dr Iron Arc

Into the Unknown
Feb 10, 2020
20,216
They know but I've threatened that getting me sent to a psych ward will guarantee my death whereas right now they think it's still up in the air.
 
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eaturdirt

eaturdirt

Loneliness consumes me
Apr 14, 2024
92
My parents know and they don't really understand the amount of pain I'm in yet. I really do want to be honest to them though, they should know that it's not their fault. They do get really mad at me as well, but I hope they'll eventually understand.
 
S

shatteredcrystal

Preferably me, partially not, probably in between.
Apr 8, 2024
20
I've told a close friend about my suicidal thoughts. At first, I just told her about my mental illnesses and pain by hinting them in between text messages. After a few weeks, we started directly discussing about our mental states. It turns out that we both have been suffering.
When I told her about my suicidal thoughts, she reacted as it is a normal thing XD
 
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PurpleMorality

PurpleMorality

Questioning
Mar 31, 2024
6
Kind of. My sister and best friend know I was suicidal in the past, but I had a brief period of recovery and have not let them know that I'm back to where I was. My parents... they worry I will die for other reasons (I'm a recovering alcoholic and they constantly worry I will relapse and drink myself to death. While I am increasingly interested in ending things, that's not how I want to go). My girlfriend sort of knows, but she has her own journey with suicidal ideation, and I don't think she sees our situations as comparable.

I've kind of told my girlfriend and metamours part of how I would kill myself as a way of testing the waters, and they all said it was too dark, and took it as part of my morbid sense of humor. I definitely don't plan to tell them I wasn't joking. If I do decide to take the plunge and ctb, they would all try to stop me, so it's better that they don't know I'm serious.
 
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homesoon.

homesoon.

i̶t̶'̶s̶ ̶n̶i̶c̶e̶ ̶t̶o̶ ̶b̶e̶ ̶b̶a̶c̶k̶.̶
Apr 15, 2024
85
My best friend found out I was suicidal to the point she started crying and begging me not to die. I feel guilty that despite comforting her, I couldn't 100% promise I wouldn't.
 
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P

patheticpal

Member
Dec 18, 2023
7
I think they know I want to go, and I think a few of them think it'll be best, maybe? I don't think anyone thinks I'm capable of it, though, and I don't know if I am either.
 
alltoomuch2

alltoomuch2

Student
Feb 10, 2024
181
As the title says, do any of your friends/family know you want to die?

If so, how did you approach this with them and what do they say?

I suffer with incurable and debilitating ear conditions that have ruined my life. I've tried to have conversations with certain family members about wanting to end my suffering and misery and some of them are literally outraged that I would even consider such a thing.

To me it's even more outrageous that they expect me to carry on suffering with such a shit quality of life.

I'm not actually a suicidal person and in fact loved life before my 5 year journey with these horrendous ear conditions started. I've had multiple failed surgeries, tried counselling, CBT, antidepressants etc, but nothing helps.

Their reaction makes me feel so bad about myself and like somehow this is all my fault. I didn't choose to have these ear conditions, that's just the card I've been dealt with unfortunately, so how is that my fault for how it makes me feel.

Just wondered if anyone else can relate?
My partner and my sister-in-law do. My sister-in-law is supportive. My partner doesn't believe me and has joked about it, asking if I want some new knives. Yes he is emotionally abusive.
 
thealteredmind

thealteredmind

Experienced
Apr 2, 2024
231
I will talk about depression mostly. but also applies to suicidality because it's depression that eventually brought being suicidal. by the way, I don't consider myself suicidal. I don't have "suicidal thoughts". I have a plan, which is totally different.

they have no idea. they don't even imagine it.

They know I have something... even though I told all of them "I have depression" and also sought help and talked to them and they brought me some help. and my actions and behaviour scream THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG HERE they don't consider it serious. They don't do it in a bad way, they are just... ignorant, innocent, or they just prefer to ignore the crude and sad reality.

Now I just lie to them. when they ask I just tell them "oh I'm ok, doing this and doing that" I don't even talk about my health problems caused by medication anymore, it's a waste of time because at this point it's just ridiculous (I refer to the things that keep happening to me, at this point is just a sick joke from god)

"how are you sleeping?" ... eh sometimes ok sometimes not, average. (the truth is... well.. it's complicated. I have insomnia plus other conditions caused by benzo. I'm sleeping "ok" most days but this could be considered a partial truth. I have no idea when my insomnia is going to get extreme again, and my other conditions still continue. I can't even nap anymore. it's IMPOSSIBLE and I hate talking or thinking about that)

they really think I'm recovering and I'm better and shit like that.

"do you have a job?" Oh yeah I work online a few hours (I don't plan to work again, I'm using my savings)

I hate lying but it is what it is. If I tell the truth to any of these questions that would only lead to more and more questions. or the typical "seek help, I know a therapist, you should try this, etc" which I know they want to really help but when you been depressed your entire life, seen that everything just gets worse. nothing helps and I really mean NOTHING. I know depression can't really by fixed you just treat it but then nothing works nothing gives relief and then you ultimately resort to medication and you end up worse? what? really?

that's when you understand how fucked up this situation is. at this point I really don't want to try anymore, but they don't see that of course, they still think "oh you haven't tried this or that" and I thought like that my entire life...

enough.

I don't want to argue or give explanations or talk about my depression anymore.

@Rubypie41 what ear conditions?
 
Lunaloveflood

Lunaloveflood

Member
Dec 27, 2019
56
My parent know but tbh they don't care they only guilt trip me into thinking it's nothing and i will get over it without any help what so ever bc i'm just weak
It Makes me want to ctb even more But i guess i won't be doing it before some time since i have projet i want to fulfill before leaving for good
 
M

Meteora

Ignorance is bliss
Jun 27, 2023
2,008
Everyone knows it.
And everyone ignores it.

Just my ex-boyfriend could take it for some time. We had a suicide pact since he was suicidal, too.
When he broke up he basically told me that I'm too ill.
 
ArgentApricot

ArgentApricot

Certified Shamash Hater
Apr 6, 2024
22
Well, i'm in a different position, just tired and jaded with living. nearly everyone knows i'm suicidal(failed attempt) and now everyone that i have left around me knows this is my last year. i just cut off the people that didn't respect my choice, to safeguard my autonomy.

It's not easy, but if people know you're sane, it makes it easier for them to respect your opinions. And the people who don't, well, too bad for them.
 
R

Rubypie41

Experienced
Mar 25, 2024
245
I will talk about depression mostly. but also applies to suicidality because it's depression that eventually brought being suicidal. by the way, I don't consider myself suicidal. I don't have "suicidal thoughts". I have a plan, which is totally different.

they have no idea. they don't even imagine it.

They know I have something... even though I told all of them "I have depression" and also sought help and talked to them and they brought me some help. and my actions and behaviour scream THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG HERE they don't consider it serious. They don't do it in a bad way, they are just... ignorant, innocent, or they just prefer to ignore the crude and sad reality.

Now I just lie to them. when they ask I just tell them "oh I'm ok, doing this and doing that" I don't even talk about my health problems caused by medication anymore, it's a waste of time because at this point it's just ridiculous (I refer to the things that keep happening to me, at this point is just a sick joke from god)

"how are you sleeping?" ... eh sometimes ok sometimes not, average. (the truth is... well.. it's complicated. I have insomnia plus other conditions caused by benzo. I'm sleeping "ok" most days but this could be considered a partial truth. I have no idea when my insomnia is going to get extreme again, and my other conditions still continue. I can't even nap anymore. it's IMPOSSIBLE and I hate talking or thinking about that)

they really think I'm recovering and I'm better and shit like that.

"do you have a job?" Oh yeah I work online a few hours (I don't plan to work again, I'm using my savings)

I hate lying but it is what it is. If I tell the truth to any of these questions that would only lead to more and more questions. or the typical "seek help, I know a therapist, you should try this, etc" which I know they want to really help but when you been depressed your entire life, seen that everything just gets worse. nothing helps and I really mean NOTHING. I know depression can't really by fixed you just treat it but then nothing works nothing gives relief and then you ultimately resort to medication and you end up worse? what? really?

that's when you understand how fucked up this situation is. at this point I really don't want to try anymore, but they don't see that of course, they still think "oh you haven't tried this or that" and I thought like that my entire life...

enough.

I don't want to argue or give explanations or talk about my depression anymore.

@Rubypie41 what ear conditions?
I'm truly sorry for what you are going through. I had a quick read of one of your original posts and certainly seems like you've been going through a lot. I'm glad you've given a timescale on things to see if you make any kind of recovery, which I sincerely hope you do.

I have multiple ear conditions. Patulous eustachian tube dysfunction on the left so my eustachian tube opens up meaning I can hear my voice/breathing incredibly loud. Had multiple surgeries which failed and caused further issues. Permanent bioplastique filler was injected into the tissues of my eustachian tube which has caused at times relentless loud clicking in my ear, so much so that other people can hear it clicking sat 3 feet away from me. I have a tube in that ear also.

The right side is completely dysfunctional, I get lots of clicking, loud crackling, stabbing pains which are made worse when trying to talk, so I spend my life trying not to talk and keep my face and mouth as still as possible in an attempt to keep the stabbing pains at bay. I have a tube in that ear too due to ear pressure, hearing loss and retracted eardrum.

All of this has destroyed my life. I used to be so fit and healthy, always working out, going places, working, going on holidays etc.

Now I just sit at home trying to endure my ear conditions and make it through another day/night.

It's fucking shit.
 
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thealteredmind

thealteredmind

Experienced
Apr 2, 2024
231
I'm truly sorry for what you are going through. I had a quick read of one of your original posts and certainly seems like you've been going through a lot. I'm glad you've given a timescale on things to see if you make any kind of recovery, which I sincerely hope you do.

I have multiple ear conditions. Patulous eustachian tube dysfunction on the left so my eustachian tube opens up meaning I can hear my voice/breathing incredibly loud. Had multiple surgeries which failed and caused further issues. Permanent bioplastique filler was injected into the tissues of my eustachian tube which has caused at times relentless loud clicking in my ear, so much so that other people can hear it clicking sat 3 feet away from me. I have a tube in that ear also.

The right side is completely dysfunctional, I get lots of clicking, loud crackling, stabbing pains which are made worse when trying to talk, so I spend my life trying not to talk and keep my face and mouth as still as possible in an attempt to keep the stabbing pains at bay. I have a tube in that ear too due to ear pressure, hearing loss and retracted eardrum.

All of this has destroyed my life. I used to be so fit and healthy, always working out, going places, working, going on holidays etc.

Now I just sit at home trying to endure my ear conditions and make it through another day/night.

It's fucking shit.
ah goddamn that is awful, basically extreme pain and a condition that doesn't allow you to do anything. shit.
was it always like that? how did that happen?
 
R

Rubypie41

Experienced
Mar 25, 2024
245
ah goddamn that is awful, basically extreme pain and a condition that doesn't allow you to do anything. shit.
was it always like that? how did that happen?
Hi,

No it wasn't always like this. Never had a single problem with my ears until around March 2019. That's when the patulous symptoms started. Began as an intermittent problem where I'd notice my voice going really loud in my left ear when speaking. Would happen randomly and like most things you just think it will go away, but if just got worse.

Since then I've gone through just about every ear issue known to man, especially after the surgeries permentally fucked me up even further.

I can't escape any of what's going on, I just have to endure it until I can endure it no more, which is getting closer every week.

I've applied to Pegasos to end my life, so waiting to see if they accept my case.

It's so fucked up. I'm in the UK and the fact my ears torture me say in day out with no way to fix them, I'm just stuck like this. All they do over here is put you on antidepressant, refer you to counselling etc, but none of that helps. Just let me fucking die and be at peace! Instead I have to pay £10,000 and travel to Switzerland!

They have me on Ciltalopram, Amitriptyline and also prescribed me Zopiclone to help sleep and Diazepam when needed to help with the extreme anxiety my ears cause me.

What the fuck kind of solution is any of that. I can't take Diazepam and Zopiclone for the rest of my life.

I'm trying to only use Diazepam once or maximum twice per week, as I've heard the horror stories about Benzo withdrawal. Don't want to add even more trouble to my already troubled life.

Nightmare
 
thealteredmind

thealteredmind

Experienced
Apr 2, 2024
231
Hi,

No it wasn't always like this. Never had a single problem with my ears until around March 2019. That's when the patulous symptoms started. Began as an intermittent problem where I'd notice my voice going really loud in my left ear when speaking. Would happen randomly and like most things you just think it will go away, but if just got worse.

Since then I've gone through just about every ear issue known to man, especially after the surgeries permentally fucked me up even further.

I can't escape any of what's going on, I just have to endure it until I can endure it no more, which is getting closer every week.

I've applied to Pegasos to end my life, so waiting to see if they accept my case.

It's so fucked up. I'm in the UK and the fact my ears torture me say in day out with no way to fix them, I'm just stuck like this. All they do over here is put you on antidepressant, refer you to counselling etc, but none of that helps. Just let me fucking die and be at peace! Instead I have to pay £10,000 and travel to Switzerland!

They have me on Ciltalopram, Amitriptyline and also prescribed me Zopiclone to help sleep and Diazepam when needed to help with the extreme anxiety my ears cause me.

What the fuck kind of solution is any of that. I can't take Diazepam and Zopiclone for the rest of my life.

I'm trying to only use Diazepam once or maximum twice per week, as I've heard the horror stories about Benzo withdrawal. Don't want to add even more trouble to my already troubled life.

Nightmare
yeah they are bunch of idiots. ssri? counselling? fuck that shit. fix my problem man! oh you can't... well... you know what happens next.

drugs are not a solution in this case. good that you use only once a week. believe you don't want to add benzo withdrawal.

I won't tell you "it gets better" or "keep fighting" because that's just stupid. I'm only going to tell you... im sending you my love, even if that sounds corny. just imagine that I hug you... and sorry for what's happening.
 
R

Rubypie41

Experienced
Mar 25, 2024
245
yeah they are bunch of idiots. ssri? counselling? fuck that shit. fix my problem man! oh you can't... well... you know what happens next.

drugs are not a solution in this case. good that you use only once a week. believe you don't want to add benzo withdrawal.

I won't tell you "it gets better" or "keep fighting" because that's just stupid. I'm only going to tell you... im sending you my love, even if that sounds corny. just imagine that I hug you... and sorry for what's happening.
Thanks for that, means a lot.

Part of me just thinks fuck it, I might as well just take the diazepam every day because I'll be gone soon anyway.

Diazepam is the only medication that at least takes some of the anxiety away and puts me in more of a relaxed state.

I think once I'm given approval from Pegasos, I'll just start popping Diazepams until I go of to Switzerland to finally be at peace.
 
NeedAnEscape

NeedAnEscape

awaiting the end
Oct 16, 2023
250
I told my boyfriend that I self-harm the other day. Though, I didn't describe how it overlaps with my suicidal thoughts. I don't know what I was expecting from the conversation, but I should've known that it wouldn't help the way I hoped it would. It was the classic redirection to professional help. Help that didn't help before. I imagine the conversation would've been similar if I mentioned my suicidal thoughts. We haven't talked in two days. I wouldn't be surprised if he starts distancing from me now. He now knows that I am a fragile person prone to breaking apart. I thought being vulnerable would make me feel better. I was wrong. I hate myself for talking about it, and I'm relieved that I didn't mention my suicidal thoughts.
 
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NullSz00

NullSz00

Full-Swing Sayonara
Feb 22, 2024
197
My mom knows, and she has told me twice that I should just go ahead with it if I had the balls, but after that she acts like nothing happened.

I think some of my group of friends from school knows, I can't remember how did we get to taalk about it, but honestly it feels like they don't take me seriously and think that I'm not capable of doing it.
 
A

another_user

Member
Apr 16, 2024
35
Yes, one family member but they don't care at all.
 

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