Venting Desire to go out violently.

[crimsonsflower]

i've wanted to ctb for over half of my life, and while my feelings about how i'd want that to go down has changed over time, i've found more recently that i want it to be violent and bloody. it feels immature and juvenile but i have been hurting so much with little to no reprieve that it feels like the only way i can get across how badly i've been hurting. it's all postulation at the moment, but i'm finding myself with fewer and fewer reasons to even care about keeping any of this going anymore. i'm not sure why it keeps getting insisted to me that anyone enjoys my presence when i'm so painfully alone that i've gotten to this point again. i see my friends posting online having a lot of fun with each other but i am rotting, no one talks to me anymore unless i'm the one saying something first, i don't know why i keep getting told these things when i just want to stop hurting. everything stopped having a point so long ago but i keep playing along because i don't want to hurt anyone else's feelings even though i'm suffering. i'm just so fed up and tired.

 

[transLucyd]

i wish i could go with a g'un, i dont want it to be bloody, but sometimes i feel like that if it could be violent and fast i'd prefer it. and a g'un is much better for that. i also thaught about vehicular impact. but some people said that's not such a good idea

 

[crimsonsflower]

i wish i could go with a g'un, i dont want it to be bloody, but sometimes i feel like that if it could be violent and fast i'd prefer it. and a g'un is much better for that. i also thaught about vehicular impact. but some people said that's not such a good idea

i think our reasons for it come from very different places. i have very reoccurring thoughts of completely mangling my throat. even if i did survive something like that, the damage would likely permanently impair my ability to speak which even though it is almost juvenile i feel like would speak for itself about how i feel about myself and my presence.

almost feels like a last resort lashing out kind of deal more than anything. i don't know.