i'm not essential to anyone's life and i've never ever cared about my own self, and that won't change any time soon
don't get me wrong, i'm glad that nobody's life is dependent on mine, but at the same time, since i'm not relied on for anything, then i ought to be free to do what i've wanted for years
i've made some amazing friends, i've had a couple of relationships, i've experienced family (albeit a shitty one at that), and all the people that matter to me would fortunately be able to simply move on
i don't really want anything nowadays. i've experienced love. i've experienced loss. hate. grief. i'm grateful i made friends, and close friends. but they all have their own lives now and i'm not an integral part of those lives anymore and given that i want to move out of the country, that status won't change
as for material things like traveling, food, music i've been there, done that, and while there are tens of thousands more things to experience, i simply don't care most days and i'm just passing time to pass time. i keep circling back to ctb. it's been in the back of my mind since i was 11 or 12. more and more, it feels like the right decision because god, i'm so tired of trying to live. and all the people i currently live for, i've realized they'll certainly be able to get over me dying. they'll be hurt but temporarily
i think if i do kill myself, i'll try to see the aurora lights.
don't get me wrong, i'm glad that nobody's life is dependent on mine, but at the same time, since i'm not relied on for anything, then i ought to be free to do what i've wanted for years
i've made some amazing friends, i've had a couple of relationships, i've experienced family (albeit a shitty one at that), and all the people that matter to me would fortunately be able to simply move on
i don't really want anything nowadays. i've experienced love. i've experienced loss. hate. grief. i'm grateful i made friends, and close friends. but they all have their own lives now and i'm not an integral part of those lives anymore and given that i want to move out of the country, that status won't change
as for material things like traveling, food, music i've been there, done that, and while there are tens of thousands more things to experience, i simply don't care most days and i'm just passing time to pass time. i keep circling back to ctb. it's been in the back of my mind since i was 11 or 12. more and more, it feels like the right decision because god, i'm so tired of trying to live. and all the people i currently live for, i've realized they'll certainly be able to get over me dying. they'll be hurt but temporarily
i think if i do kill myself, i'll try to see the aurora lights.
