Venting feeling like a poser

[rorosbones]

i saw my psychiatrist today and increased my dosage of antidepressants. i want to feel better. i want to stop feeling suicidal. but i've never been able to see myself go out any other way - i always imagined myself dying young and by my own hand.
does trying to get better mean anything? i don't want to grow old, i don't want to keep going, but i need to feel better and be normal. i'm so conflicted

 

[retstardeda$$hole]

You aren't a poser. I feel the same there are ways I can fix or flip my life around but I don't want to do it. I don't see myself ending up like that. I imagine myself being dead