Venting depressed & pregnant

[sera]

it's been a while since i've been on here. i thought i was doing better, with my cat and my partner. we have a place of our own, and we've been happy. i was able to cope with how small the apartment was, how far it was from family. i was just grateful to escape living with a toxic parent.

recently i found out that im pregnant. the symptoms have been horrible. i'm already chronically ill with a plethora of issues (borderline, adhd, ptsd, etc.) so stopping my different medications has been brutal. i've been desperately wanting to go back home to my family, i've been feeling so claustrophobic and depressed in my apartment.

having a child has always felt like the point of no return to me. my cat is my baby, and i adore my partner, but i know that if something were to happen to me, they would take care of each other. a child that's dependent on me though? i genuinely don't know wtf to do.

pregnancy has been draining me. i already don't actively want to exist as it is, but pregnancy has made everything all the harder. i thought for a long time about termination, but i couldn't bring myself to do it. i thought maybe this was a step toward healing, but instead maybe this has been a step toward relapse. i'm not sure

 

[sera]

tw: religious trauma

being in this position has been so strange. i'm very pro choice, but i grew up in a very religious household. one thing that has never sat right with me about christianity is the idea that being "pro life" means bringing babies into the world. even as a child i was very suicidal so once i understood that my parents believe fetuses and babies would be spared from hell, i always wished that they had never had me or had chosen to abort me. the cognitive dissonance of being pro life while also being okay that born babies eventually become adults who then are sentenced to eternal torment if they don't choose the right path never made sense to me

now, having deconstructed as an adult, i don't think i believe in hell anymore, but that's always been one of the main fears holding me back from ctb. regardless, i ruminate on ctb. even though i don't believe in hell, it's difficult to think about whether or not i'd be sentenced to hell should i ctb. i'd imagine i would feel no regret because at least my child wouldn't know the pain of this existence.

but i know my partner and my family would be heartbroken. even when i first began my journey on SS, my partner was always worried about me and how serious my SI is. my mom is also worried, so is my therapist. now that im pregnant my SI is being taken so much more seriously, but theres next to nothing i can do about it except take some zoloft and hope it hits harder than my depressive symptoms.

i can't tell whether or not ctbing now is selfish or selfless, given my circumstances, and it's really messing with me. i don't want my husband to think that this is his fault because it's not- he's done his very best. but between all my chronic illnesses and mental health issues, i don't feel like im able to be a good partner for him, and i don't want our potential child to have a suicidal mom.

 

[amy joyce]

tw: religious trauma

being in this position has been so strange. i'm very pro choice, but i grew up in a very religious household. one thing that has never sat right with me about christianity is the idea that being "pro life" means bringing babies into the world. even as a child i was very suicidal so once i understood that my parents believe fetuses and babies would be spared from hell, i always wished that they had never had me or had chosen to abort me. the cognitive dissonance of being pro life while also being okay that born babies eventually become adults who then are sentenced to eternal torment if they don't choose the right path never made sense to me

now, having deconstructed as an adult, i don't think i believe in hell anymore, but that's always been one of the main fears holding me back from ctb. regardless, i ruminate on ctb. even though i don't believe in hell, it's difficult to think about whether or not i'd be sentenced to hell should i ctb. i'd imagine i would feel no regret because at least my child wouldn't know the pain of this existence.

but i know my partner and my family would be heartbroken. even when i first began my journey on SS, my partner was always worried about me and how serious my SI is. my mom is also worried, so is my therapist. now that im pregnant my SI is being taken so much more seriously, but theres next to nothing i can do about it except take some zoloft and hope it hits harder than my depressive symptoms.

i can't tell whether or not ctbing now is selfish or selfless, given my circumstances, and it's really messing with me. i don't want my husband to think that this is his fault because it's not- he's done his very best. but between all my chronic illnesses and mental health issues, i don't feel like im able to be a good partner for him, and i don't want our potential child to have a suicidal mom.

Poor thing. It's been many years since I was pregnant and I was in a fairly good place emotionally until the second one after I had to stop my meds.
It was a little difficult for me to follow your second post (which I officially replied to). So I'm just going to ask that you try to compartmentalize some of the most important decisions and factors your facing so it's less pressure on you. For instance, deciding to have the baby (or not). Moving back home (or not). I assume you already decided not to ctb at this time and actually whether you keep baby or give it up for adoption is a long term decision.
Please also try decide what your main support systems are and keeping them in the loop. You're facing a spiral of emotion and a lot will be coming from various hormone changes. When I became pregnant it felt like I didn't have a choice, regardless whether I was going to keep him so that actually helped (even though in reality I did).

You don't have to be a suicidal Mom. You can decide on adoption or you can get as much help as you need to keep yourself grounded. You seem to me a person that's particularly in tune with the feelings of others and wouldn't want to hurt the baby now or as it ages. Wherever you live I'm guessing there's help for pregnant mothers. I'd taken advantage of it. Some of the decisions like where you live will take a lot of pressure off you. What has the father said so far?

 

[Spit On My Grave]

Are you pregnant??
What are you planning to do with this child?
From my understanding you passed the first 5 months from the symptoms you mentioned.
if you are gonna do anything with child that might consider a crime in many states.
So Stop

 

[sera]

Are you pregnant??
What are you planning to do with this child?
From my understanding you passed the first 5 months from the symptoms you mentioned.
if you are gonna do anything with child that might consider a crime in many states.
So Stop

i am currently pregnant- agonized over abortion for several of the early weeks, decided to keep, am now again agonizing over abortion before ctb. i can legally abort for at least another 6+ weeks because i'm in a very blue state. this is mostly just a vent via stream of consciousness, but i know i'm running out of time to make up my mind so i'm trying to work thru and process feelings as quickly as possible to make the best decision for everyone involved

 

[Hystearical]

i am currently pregnant- agonized over abortion for several of the early weeks, decided to keep, am now again agonizing over abortion before ctb. i can legally abort for at least another 6+ weeks because i'm in a very blue state. this is mostly just a vent via stream of consciousness, but i know i'm running out of time to make up my mind so i'm trying to work thru and process feelings as quickly as possible to make the best decision for everyone involved

What does your husband think?

 

[Spit On My Grave]

What does your husband think?

It is her child. Why are asking this question??

 

[LastDayOnEarth]

I don't know what your stance is but if you wanna abort and you can do it, its fine. I wish my mom would've done that

 

[Spit On My Grave]

What does your husband think?

What if she doesn't have a husband?

 

[X-sanguinate86]

Seriously, think about the pain you might bring if you cannot live up to the task of being a good parent...

 

[coolcow1289]

Wishing the best for you and your baby. Like what was said before, there's always adoption! Maybe the child will help bring you out of your depressive state? Humans are designed to have meaning brought to them by offspring. And life is a beautiful thing, even if it can also bring so much suffering. It's wrong to assume your baby will suffer. Most people don't. Most people ARE happy. We are the minority.

If you feel this strong plus you're pregnant, maybe you could switch or up the dose on the antidepressant? Once you're postpartum I know there's some strong stuff they can give.

And congrats! What you're going through is brave and meaningful. Though I'm sure very scary.