Venting depressed & pregnant

[sera]

it's been a while since i've been on here. i thought i was doing better, with my cat and my partner. we have a place of our own, and we've been happy. i was able to cope with how small the apartment was, how far it was from family. i was just grateful to escape living with a toxic parent.

recently i found out that im pregnant. the symptoms have been horrible. i'm already chronically ill with a plethora of issues (borderline, adhd, ptsd, etc.) so stopping my different medications has been brutal. i've been desperately wanting to go back home to my family, i've been feeling so claustrophobic and depressed in my apartment.

having a child has always felt like the point of no return to me. my cat is my baby, and i adore my partner, but i know that if something were to happen to me, they would take care of each other. a child that's dependent on me though? i genuinely don't know wtf to do.

pregnancy has been draining me. i already don't actively want to exist as it is, but pregnancy has made everything all the harder. i thought for a long time about termination, but i couldn't bring myself to do it. i thought maybe this was a step toward healing, but instead maybe this has been a step toward relapse. i'm not sure