birdie8
if i was a bird, i could fly and be free
- Jun 7, 2025
- 30
A few months ago I met the love of my life while out in the city at a comic book store - It didn't take long before he proposed to me. When we first started dating I was very open and honest about my battle with bipolar, OCD and PTSD. He met me while in a manic episode, and very early on experienced me crash into a depressive state. Not once has he ever judged me or been turned off by my mental health struggles, despite my self sabotage and attempts to push him away. In fact, he has learned to read me like a book, encouraging me to seek out therapy and getting back on my medication.
He himself deals with depression, suicidal thoughts, and a poor self esteem. Seldom does he open up about his mind, but I check in, reassure him, and provide a shoulder to lean on. As he has to me, I've encouraged him to seek therapy and medication as well. Our pact to each other is to be blunt, open and honest about our mental health so that we can both be on the same page. While he has been very honest to me, I have not been honest to him.
Despite my efforts to better my mental health, my struggles with depression and suicidal thoughts has only deepened with time. I have every intention on taking my life within the next year, if not within the next few months - I've been planning this since before I met him. This will absolutely devastate him; We had a deep conversation a few nights ago where he ended up crying to me about the thought of how afraid he is of loosing me, and how he never wants us to be apart for any amount of time (for context, we are currently long distance due to a work assignment). In the past, he's spoken about how before me he had no aspirations or goals, and how I've pushed him to better himself for our future together. All I felt was guilt, my heart broke.
I have every reason to believe that when I catch the bus, that he will fall into a deep depression and do the same. It's completely hypocritical and selfish of me to say this, but I don't want that for him at all. I'm afraid he will think it's his fault and blame himself for everything, and truly do believe that he will follow suit. Again, this is hypocritical, I know. All I feel is guilt and shame for what I plan to do, because this will devastate him. It will cause irreversible pain to him. Yet, despite this, it doesn't deter me from wanting to catch the bus. Again, I've been planning this since before I met him, it's already been planted into my mind.
Bipolar, OCD, and PTSD is a diabolical combo, it is a disease to live with - I am a sick individual. No amount of therapy or medication has been able to silence the thoughts I have. I do have friends, family and support that checks in on me regularly but I live imprisoned by my mind; In agonizing mental pain from vivid flashbacks of my trauma. I suffer from vivid and gory mental images of harm to myself and others. I go through sudden and erratic episodes weekly that leave me disoriented and stressed. I suffer from physical health issues that deeply impact my mental health. Call me selfish, a hypocrite, or evil, but I refuse to live like this anymore. I cannot endure much more of this. I love him, but my decision is already made.
He himself deals with depression, suicidal thoughts, and a poor self esteem. Seldom does he open up about his mind, but I check in, reassure him, and provide a shoulder to lean on. As he has to me, I've encouraged him to seek therapy and medication as well. Our pact to each other is to be blunt, open and honest about our mental health so that we can both be on the same page. While he has been very honest to me, I have not been honest to him.
Despite my efforts to better my mental health, my struggles with depression and suicidal thoughts has only deepened with time. I have every intention on taking my life within the next year, if not within the next few months - I've been planning this since before I met him. This will absolutely devastate him; We had a deep conversation a few nights ago where he ended up crying to me about the thought of how afraid he is of loosing me, and how he never wants us to be apart for any amount of time (for context, we are currently long distance due to a work assignment). In the past, he's spoken about how before me he had no aspirations or goals, and how I've pushed him to better himself for our future together. All I felt was guilt, my heart broke.
I have every reason to believe that when I catch the bus, that he will fall into a deep depression and do the same. It's completely hypocritical and selfish of me to say this, but I don't want that for him at all. I'm afraid he will think it's his fault and blame himself for everything, and truly do believe that he will follow suit. Again, this is hypocritical, I know. All I feel is guilt and shame for what I plan to do, because this will devastate him. It will cause irreversible pain to him. Yet, despite this, it doesn't deter me from wanting to catch the bus. Again, I've been planning this since before I met him, it's already been planted into my mind.
Bipolar, OCD, and PTSD is a diabolical combo, it is a disease to live with - I am a sick individual. No amount of therapy or medication has been able to silence the thoughts I have. I do have friends, family and support that checks in on me regularly but I live imprisoned by my mind; In agonizing mental pain from vivid flashbacks of my trauma. I suffer from vivid and gory mental images of harm to myself and others. I go through sudden and erratic episodes weekly that leave me disoriented and stressed. I suffer from physical health issues that deeply impact my mental health. Call me selfish, a hypocrite, or evil, but I refuse to live like this anymore. I cannot endure much more of this. I love him, but my decision is already made.
