Venting Killing myself will cause my fiancé to kill himself.

[birdie8]

A few months ago I met the love of my life while out in the city at a comic book store - It didn't take long before he proposed to me. When we first started dating I was very open and honest about my battle with bipolar, OCD and PTSD. He met me while in a manic episode, and very early on experienced me crash into a depressive state. Not once has he ever judged me or been turned off by my mental health struggles, despite my self sabotage and attempts to push him away. In fact, he has learned to read me like a book, encouraging me to seek out therapy and getting back on my medication.

He himself deals with depression, suicidal thoughts, and a poor self esteem. Seldom does he open up about his mind, but I check in, reassure him, and provide a shoulder to lean on. As he has to me, I've encouraged him to seek therapy and medication as well. Our pact to each other is to be blunt, open and honest about our mental health so that we can both be on the same page. While he has been very honest to me, I have not been honest to him.

Despite my efforts to better my mental health, my struggles with depression and suicidal thoughts has only deepened with time. I have every intention on taking my life within the next year, if not within the next few months - I've been planning this since before I met him. This will absolutely devastate him; We had a deep conversation a few nights ago where he ended up crying to me about the thought of how afraid he is of loosing me, and how he never wants us to be apart for any amount of time (for context, we are currently long distance due to a work assignment). In the past, he's spoken about how before me he had no aspirations or goals, and how I've pushed him to better himself for our future together. All I felt was guilt, my heart broke.

I have every reason to believe that when I catch the bus, that he will fall into a deep depression and do the same. It's completely hypocritical and selfish of me to say this, but I don't want that for him at all. I'm afraid he will think it's his fault and blame himself for everything, and truly do believe that he will follow suit. Again, this is hypocritical, I know. All I feel is guilt and shame for what I plan to do, because this will devastate him. It will cause irreversible pain to him. Yet, despite this, it doesn't deter me from wanting to catch the bus. Again, I've been planning this since before I met him, it's already been planted into my mind.

Bipolar, OCD, and PTSD is a diabolical combo, it is a disease to live with - I am a sick individual. No amount of therapy or medication has been able to silence the thoughts I have. I do have friends, family and support that checks in on me regularly but I live imprisoned by my mind; In agonizing mental pain from vivid flashbacks of my trauma. I suffer from vivid and gory mental images of harm to myself and others. I go through sudden and erratic episodes weekly that leave me disoriented and stressed. I suffer from physical health issues that deeply impact my mental health. Call me selfish, a hypocrite, or evil, but I refuse to live like this anymore. I cannot endure much more of this. I love him, but my decision is already made.

 

[Cocomellon]

You're not selfish or evil to want to escape the pain of your situation. If you ctb, it will be up to them what they decide to do. I think both of your lives have been positively effected by your relationship even if it can't last that long. Hoping you find peace

 

[Vivissa]

Totally agree.
However, you can still give both of you more time.
I gave myself almost 10 years... I don't want to bias you, but in my case, I felt it wasn't worth it. That said, many people would tell you it's worth giving yourself more time and keeping on living.

 

[valar_morghulis21]

A few months ago I met the love of my life while out in the city at a comic book store - It didn't take long before he proposed to me. When we first started dating I was very open and honest about my battle with bipolar, OCD and PTSD. He met me while in a manic episode, and very early on experienced me crash into a depressive state. Not once has he ever judged me or been turned off by my mental health struggles, despite my self sabotage and attempts to push him away. In fact, he has learned to read me like a book, encouraging me to seek out therapy and getting back on my medication.

He himself deals with depression, suicidal thoughts, and a poor self esteem. Seldom does he open up about his mind, but I check in, reassure him, and provide a shoulder to lean on. As he has to me, I've encouraged him to seek therapy and medication as well. Our pact to each other is to be blunt, open and honest about our mental health so that we can both be on the same page. While he has been very honest to me, I have not been honest to him.

Despite my efforts to better my mental health, my struggles with depression and suicidal thoughts has only deepened with time. I have every intention on taking my life within the next year, if not within the next few months - I've been planning this since before I met him. This will absolutely devastate him; We had a deep conversation a few nights ago where he ended up crying to me about the thought of how afraid he is of loosing me, and how he never wants us to be apart for any amount of time (for context, we are currently long distance due to a work assignment). In the past, he's spoken about how before me he had no aspirations or goals, and how I've pushed him to better himself for our future together. All I felt was guilt, my heart broke.

I have every reason to believe that when I catch the bus, that he will fall into a deep depression and do the same. It's completely hypocritical and selfish of me to say this, but I don't want that for him at all. I'm afraid he will think it's his fault and blame himself for everything, and truly do believe that he will follow suit. Again, this is hypocritical, I know. All I feel is guilt and shame for what I plan to do, because this will devastate him. It will cause irreversible pain to him. Yet, despite this, it doesn't deter me from wanting to catch the bus. Again, I've been planning this since before I met him, it's already been planted into my mind.

Bipolar, OCD, and PTSD is a diabolical combo, it is a disease to live with - I am a sick individual. No amount of therapy or medication has been able to silence the thoughts I have. I do have friends, family and support that checks in on me regularly but I live imprisoned by my mind; In agonizing mental pain from vivid flashbacks of my trauma. I suffer from vivid and gory mental images of harm to myself and others. I go through sudden and erratic episodes weekly that leave me disoriented and stressed. I suffer from physical health issues that deeply impact my mental health. Call me selfish, a hypocrite, or evil, but I refuse to live like this anymore. I cannot endure much more of this. I love him, but my decision is already made.

if he ctb then it's on him, not you. You gotta do what's best for you. Not to sound harsh but this relationship moves too fast after only a few months of knowing each other, could be a logical move to take a step back and consider a big picture.

 

[fluorescentpearl]

If he dies it'll be his choice, I think the most uu can do is come to peace with the fact that he might love uu too much to choose to not live, it is his life and sometimes things go bittersweet..

Uu are allowed uur own decisions, and if dying is one of them then that's your call, he also gets his own decisions.. Whether it be to continue or not
Though I guess I am biased, as I find ctb for love to be extremely romantic..

 

[Manfrotto99]

Everyone will hate me for this but I have to disagree about not taking responsibility - You are very lucky to have someone who loves you so much and if you love him in return you will hang on and work on things despite your suffering. There are so many people on here who are hurting from rejection and/or do not or never will know love.

If you end it then you should take responsibility for letting someone info your life ( you were just as unwell when you met ) and the impact your decision will have on them. It may not be your responsibility how he handles it, but relationships are not just about one person. The decisions you make impact the other person. You have not even been honest with him that you've been planning to ctb all along. He has not read you like a book. I tell people straight up re my plans to ctb.... they should at least know what they are getting themselves into. It's dangerous territory, allowing someone to get close especially when they are unwell themselves, then hitting them in the face by leaving them and taking your life. Imagine how it would make him feel as a man...like a real failure, he couldnt help or please his women to the extent she had to take her life! Please at least be honest with him whether you do it or not, at least give him room to understand and yourself room to grow.

 

[gentarouhongou]

Everyone will hate me for this but I have to disagree about not taking responsibility - You are very lucky to have someone who loves you so much and if you love him in return you will hang on and work on things despite your suffering. There are so many people on here who are hurting from rejection and/or do not or never will know love.

If you end it then you should take responsibility for letting someone info your life ( you were just as unwell when you met ) and the impact your decision will have on them. It may not be your responsibility how he handles it, but relationships are not just about one person. The decisions you make impact the other person. You have not even been honest with him that you've been planning to ctb all along. He has not read you like a book. I tell people straight up re my plans to ctb.... they should at least know what they are getting themselves into. It's dangerous territory, allowing someone to get close especially when they are unwell themselves, then hitting them in the face by leaving them and taking your life. Imagine how it would make him feel as a man...like a real failure, he couldnt help or please his women to the extent she had to take her life! Please at least be honest with him whether you do it or not, at least give him room to understand and yourself room to grow.

Bingo, took the words out my mouth! I agree that you should try not to let anyone affect your decision regarding ctb, however you yourself mentioned that you had already planned and solidified your choice before meeting him. I understand we get weak to such amazing people that may enter our lives, but like you said, your decision was made, so I do believe this is an act that you are completely responsible for because you knew from the beginning what would end up happening to him once you went through with your plan. I couldn't judge whether it was of selfish intention or not because I only have a completely surface level understanding of your situation and I might be completely wrong! Either way, best of wishes and love to both you and your partner.