Venting CTB Tomorrow, here's my story

[Drtrentsboi]

Hello Everyone, I've been a viewer of this forum for a while now and I believe my time has come.

I'm not the best at writing or formulating my thoughts, so please bear with me.

I've been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder since 2017. I've fought my depression since then with meds, therapy, and even psychedelics yet it has finally won...

So, Jan 30th of this year my wife left me and I've been a mess ever since. She was the love of my life and I fucked everything up with her and our relationship. We had so much fun and love in our dating period, I was on cloud nine. Never had any problems or anything big happen while we dated. Then we got married. We've had issues ever since we first became married, It honestly felt that nothing I did was good enough for her or that her standards somehow became higher than achievable since we started dating. We'd go to church together and I'd do something or spend a little too much time going to the bathroom that she'd blow up on me in front of everyone. There was a time I wore a rubber wedding band that I bought and when she saw me wearing it she threw a tizzy fit in public about "not wearing the original ring" and that I as a husband can only wear the one she got me because that's what married people do and that anything less is worthless. There were so many 'small' things that we fought over that they're too many to detail here.

She eventually left me and over text would tell me I was abusive and manipulative ever since we were married and she couldn't do it anymore...

I tried, I really did try to be the man she wanted me to be. I gave up my passions and my loves to be with her and help her with all the mental things she herself was experiencing (she has OCD, Bipolar, Schizo affective Disorder, ADHD, etc.) I still want to be that man and make everything work. I just feel so broken and helpless.

So I'm buying a gun and tomorrow on our first anniversary of marriage I will be ending it all. I'd love to answer any questions in the mean time. I've made my decision and nothing will deter me, even though I'd appreciate it, please don't try to dissuade me from that choice. I've a lot of experience with hunting and putting things out of their misery that I'm confident in my ability.

There's nothing left for me in this life. I have no future, no road to follow, no anything that keeps me attached to this world. I only wish to be by my beloved's side one last time...

 

[moffin]

Go ahead, just don't be a bastard and go after her looking to do something...

 

[fitoo5999]

I hope you'll find peace brother.

 

[Drtrentsboi]

Go ahead, just don't be a bastard and go after her looking to do something...

Holy cow! I'm killing myself not hunting her down! I'm depressed, not a monster!

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

Holy cow! I'm killing myself not hunting her down! I'm depressed, not a monster!

I interpreted the last sentence the same way, although it seems that was not what you meant. I wish you could find another path, but if not, I wish you peace .

 

[fadedghost]

Hello Everyone, I've been a viewer of this forum for a while now and I believe my time has come.

I'm not the best at writing or formulating my thoughts, so please bear with me.

I've been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder since 2017. I've fought my depression since then with meds, therapy, and even psychedelics yet it has finally won...

So, Jan 30th of this year my wife left me and I've been a mess ever since. She was the love of my life and I fucked everything up with her and our relationship. We had so much fun and love in our dating period, I was on cloud nine. Never had any problems or anything big happen while we dated. Then we got married. We've had issues ever since we first became married, It honestly felt that nothing I did was good enough for her or that her standards somehow became higher than achievable since we started dating. We'd go to church together and I'd do something or spend a little too much time going to the bathroom that she'd blow up on me in front of everyone. There was a time I wore a rubber wedding band that I bought and when she saw me wearing it she threw a tizzy fit in public about "not wearing the original ring" and that I as a husband can only wear the one she got me because that's what married people do and that anything less is worthless. There were so many 'small' things that we fought over that they're too many to detail here.

She eventually left me and over text would tell me I was abusive and manipulative ever since we were married and she couldn't do it anymore...

I tried, I really did try to be the man she wanted me to be. I gave up my passions and my loves to be with her and help her with all the mental things she herself was experiencing (she has OCD, Bipolar, Schizo affective Disorder, ADHD, etc.) I still want to be that man and make everything work. I just feel so broken and helpless.

So I'm buying a gun and tomorrow on our first anniversary of marriage I will be ending it all. I'd love to answer any questions in the mean time. I've made my decision and nothing will deter me, even though I'd appreciate it, please don't try to dissuade me from that choice. I've a lot of experience with hunting and putting things out of their misery that I'm confident in my ability.

There's nothing left for me in this life. I have no future, no road to follow, no anything that keeps me attached to this world. I only wish to be by my beloved's side one last time...

She sounds like a terrible bitch who was nice to you before she got married, but then treated you like garbage after because she expected you would tolerate it or felt ambivalent about you. Be happy she divorced you and find someone who isn't awful. Have you tried to get better at all? Seen a therapist? Tried meeting anyone new? I know youre heartbroken but this seems unnecessary. You could feel better in another year. I apologize if this sounds insensitive, but she doesn't sound nice. I hope you don't end things over heartbreak. It can take a while to feel normal again.

 

[discernment]

She sounds like a terrible bitch who was nice to you before she got married, but then treated you like garbage after because she expected you would tolerate it or felt ambivalent about you. Be happy she divorced you and find someone who isn't awful. Have you tried to get better at all? Seen a therapist? Tried meeting anyone new? I know youre heartbroken but this seems unnecessary. You could feel better in another year. I apologize if this sounds insensitive, but she doesn't sound nice. I hope you don't end things over heartbreak. It can take a while to feel normal again.

I think this is some good advice that is worth considering.

 

[ctb_warrior]

Hello Everyone, I've been a viewer of this forum for a while now and I believe my time has come.

I'm not the best at writing or formulating my thoughts, so please bear with me.

I've been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder since 2017. I've fought my depression since then with meds, therapy, and even psychedelics yet it has finally won...

So, Jan 30th of this year my wife left me and I've been a mess ever since. She was the love of my life and I fucked everything up with her and our relationship. We had so much fun and love in our dating period, I was on cloud nine. Never had any problems or anything big happen while we dated. Then we got married. We've had issues ever since we first became married, It honestly felt that nothing I did was good enough for her or that her standards somehow became higher than achievable since we started dating. We'd go to church together and I'd do something or spend a little too much time going to the bathroom that she'd blow up on me in front of everyone. There was a time I wore a rubber wedding band that I bought and when she saw me wearing it she threw a tizzy fit in public about "not wearing the original ring" and that I as a husband can only wear the one she got me because that's what married people do and that anything less is worthless. There were so many 'small' things that we fought over that they're too many to detail here.

She eventually left me and over text would tell me I was abusive and manipulative ever since we were married and she couldn't do it anymore...

I tried, I really did try to be the man she wanted me to be. I gave up my passions and my loves to be with her and help her with all the mental things she herself was experiencing (she has OCD, Bipolar, Schizo affective Disorder, ADHD, etc.) I still want to be that man and make everything work. I just feel so broken and helpless.

So I'm buying a gun and tomorrow on our first anniversary of marriage I will be ending it all. I'd love to answer any questions in the mean time. I've made my decision and nothing will deter me, even though I'd appreciate it, please don't try to dissuade me from that choice. I've a lot of experience with hunting and putting things out of their misery that I'm confident in my ability.

There's nothing left for me in this life. I have no future, no road to follow, no anything that keeps me attached to this world. I only wish to be by my beloved's side one last time...

What you said is so relatable. After my breakup in 2023, where she played mind games with me instead of being straight forward so that she didn't come across as a cheater..i developed anxiety disorder initially, that got escalated into mdd by 2025. I don't suffer from sadness as such, but i have no intent to live now. I'm tired of life.
I'm sorry to hear that life has been so hard with you. You've been the ideal husband to be honest that most girls dream of. We fell for wrong partners bro.
That destroyed us beyond repair.
I wish your heart heals and you could feel better.
And I wish you peace in whatever you choose

She sounds like a terrible bitch who was nice to you before she got married, but then treated you like garbage after because she expected you would tolerate it or felt ambivalent about you. Be happy she divorced you and find someone who isn't awful. Have you tried to get better at all? Seen a therapist? Tried meeting anyone new? I know youre heartbroken but this seems unnecessary. You could feel better in another year. I apologize if this sounds insensitive, but she doesn't sound nice. I hope you don't end things over heartbreak. It can take a while to feel normal again.

A plausible advice

 

[whatever000]

Hello Everyone, I've been a viewer of this forum for a while now and I believe my time has come.

I'm not the best at writing or formulating my thoughts, so please bear with me.

I've been diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder since 2017. I've fought my depression since then with meds, therapy, and even psychedelics yet it has finally won...

So, Jan 30th of this year my wife left me and I've been a mess ever since. She was the love of my life and I fucked everything up with her and our relationship. We had so much fun and love in our dating period, I was on cloud nine. Never had any problems or anything big happen while we dated. Then we got married. We've had issues ever since we first became married, It honestly felt that nothing I did was good enough for her or that her standards somehow became higher than achievable since we started dating. We'd go to church together and I'd do something or spend a little too much time going to the bathroom that she'd blow up on me in front of everyone. There was a time I wore a rubber wedding band that I bought and when she saw me wearing it she threw a tizzy fit in public about "not wearing the original ring" and that I as a husband can only wear the one she got me because that's what married people do and that anything less is worthless. There were so many 'small' things that we fought over that they're too many to detail here.

She eventually left me and over text would tell me I was abusive and manipulative ever since we were married and she couldn't do it anymore...

I tried, I really did try to be the man she wanted me to be. I gave up my passions and my loves to be with her and help her with all the mental things she herself was experiencing (she has OCD, Bipolar, Schizo affective Disorder, ADHD, etc.) I still want to be that man and make everything work. I just feel so broken and helpless.

So I'm buying a gun and tomorrow on our first anniversary of marriage I will be ending it all. I'd love to answer any questions in the mean time. I've made my decision and nothing will deter me, even though I'd appreciate it, please don't try to dissuade me from that choice. I've a lot of experience with hunting and putting things out of their misery that I'm confident in my ability.

There's nothing left for me in this life. I have no future, no road to follow, no anything that keeps me attached to this world. I only wish to be by my beloved's side one last time...

Dude, I think one of the best things for suicidal peeps is when it's about someone else… or when it's about external shit like not being appreciated by others.

Becaaaaause, bare with me. Bear with me? I don't know which goes here.

Because when it's externalized (like over someone else) it means there's still actually shit you can learn that can get you to a place where you don't feel this way. And that's really fortunate.

In my 22 years of being diagnosed with depression, I've picked up some tools. I'd love to share some with you. And if after you pick up the skills you still wanna leave this place I don't blame you. But for a lot of people that's the answer…

From my experiences (myself and people I've met) breakups hurt, but for some of us it's much too extreme pain over breakups. And I learned we all have one thing in common, we externalize our value and self worth. So rejection is just like the most destructive destabilizing feeling. The good thing is you can learn to navigate this. You can develop a strong sense of self and self worth that isn't tied to others.

If you're going to off yourself, I believe it's best to do it for you, like if you already put in all the work and that STILL definitely didn't work. You learned and internalized every tool and nothing… But over someone else?? my two cents is don't do it my dude. You can get thru this one.

IF you decide to try to survive this. Deep dive into learning these skills (trust me, shit is life changing even if sounds dumb)

1) self acceptance / self compassion not the concept you think it is, like deep dive into our imperfect humanity.

2) becoming aware of your thoughts, and learning how to choose them. We have more choice than we know, we just have to train the mind. Our little Jedi shit.

3) weathering storms… learning we all have our own version of these shit cycles and if we want a happier ending, we can learn to sit thru the pain and wait it out… sometimes by accepting this as part of life it stops being as strong and horrible…

Good luck with either choice

PS: Idk if this type of reply is ok… I'm new. I know this is a safe space to discuss wanting to die. And the last thing we want is people talking us off the ledge. I'll say this too.
I want to die. Just spent 3 days where each painful minute was so slow and all I could think was if I lived in a state where I could just pick up a gun I would end this.

I love myself and all the crap from therapy and it still isn't working. I am having a really hard time and I will probably kill myself this year if I don't figure this out this time. I can't find anything left to learn.

I worked so so hard and I could truly feel the progress the last years. It's amazing. But also apparently not enough… maybe. A part of me still wants to survive…. I just don't know I have what it takes to put in the work needed to get well… idk if my life is worth the effort.
So all that to say, I get it. I get wanting to die.

I just read your story and feel like you really have a chance

 

[ctb_warrior]

Dude, I think one of the best things for suicidal peeps is when it's about someone else… or when it's about external shit like not being appreciated by others.

Becaaaaause, bare with me. Bear with me? I don't know which goes here.

Because when it's externalized (like over someone else) it means there's still actually shit you can learn that can get you to a place where you don't feel this way. And that's really fortunate.

In my 22 years of being diagnosed with depression, I've picked up some tools. I'd love to share some with you. And if after you pick up the skills you still wanna leave this place I don't blame you. But for a lot of people that's the answer…

From my experiences (myself and people I've met) breakups hurt, but for some of us it's much too extreme pain over breakups. And I learned we all have one thing in common, we externalize our value and self worth. So rejection is just like the most destructive destabilizing feeling. The good thing is you can learn to navigate this. You can develop a strong sense of self and self worth that isn't tied to others.

If you're going to off yourself, I believe it's best to do it for you, like if you already put in all the work and that STILL definitely didn't work. You learned and internalized every tool and nothing… But over someone else?? my two cents is don't do it my dude. You can get thru this one.

IF you decide to try to survive this. Deep dive into learning these skills (trust me, shit is life changing even if sounds dumb)

1) self acceptance / self compassion not the concept you think it is, like deep dive into our imperfect humanity.

2) becoming aware of your thoughts, and learning how to choose them. We have more choice than we know, we just have to train the mind. Our little Jedi shit.

3) weathering storms… learning we all have our own version of these shit cycles and if we want a happier ending, we can learn to sit thru the pain and wait it out… sometimes by accepting this as part of life it stops being as strong and horrible…

Good luck with either choice

PS: Idk if this type of reply is ok… I'm new. I know this is a safe space to discuss wanting to die. And the last thing we want is people talking us off the ledge. I'll say this too.
I want to die. Just spent 3 days where each painful minute was so slow and all I could think was if I lived in a state where I could just pick up a gun I would end this.

I love myself and all the crap from therapy and it still isn't working. I am having a really hard time and I will probably kill myself this year if I don't figure this out this time. I can't find anything left to learn.

I worked so so hard and I could truly feel the progress the last years. It's amazing. But also apparently not enough… maybe. A part of me still wants to survive…. I just don't know I have what it takes to put in the work needed to get well… idk if my life is worth the effort.
So all that to say, I get it. I get wanting to die.

I just read your story and feel like you really have a chance

Great advice..worth pondering. Welcome to SaSu
As you also want to survive, do check my thread on the subject if anything in that could help you with your life and stop you from the idea of CTB.. i understand we are all in pain due to our suffering otherwise no one would think of ctb. This community is the most caring and supportive community in every way

 

[booplesnoot34]

Sounds like she was an abusive, manipulative cunt not worth the dirt on your shoes. She didn't even make it with you a year. And she's gonna go on and do this to multiple other men, almost certainly. You deserve better than scum like her. Honestly I don't think you should CTB over someone as worthless as her.