ctb countdown · sn

[borderlinealcoholic]

Bem, pelo menos temos a sorte do SN e dos remédios serem tão acessíveis aqui hehe.
Sou grato pela atenção!

sou portuguesa!

 

[thebookofdisquiet.]

Less than a week left and now when I think about it my chest gets tight and my heart goes crazy. I'm not scared or in doubt, just nervous.

My mind is filling my memories with some kind of "melancholic glitter" but I know better than to trust the pretty imaginary version of life.
But, curiously, everything that pissed me off before is kind of endearing now, it's like I'm watching this silly human experience from "above" and it's so small, so ephemeral, just another one of my existences.

Anyway, tomorrow I'll start a liquid diet (water, juice, tea..) until the end, my digestive system is not the best so I want to make it's work easier and keep it as empty as possible to ctb.

 

[not_telling]

I can't imagine the feeling. You're being really strong in facing this, and whatever you end up having to conquer on your way to peace, know that you're not alone. This thread serves to show that there's people you can count on not to judge or force you to live when problems appear ahead.

 

[thebookofdisquiet.]

Fuck fuck fuck my brother doesn't want to travel with my parents, I'm trying really hard to convince him and I hope he changes his mind because I don't want to ctb in a hurry while he's at school.

Now I'm so anxious that I feel sick.

 

[tora]

Less than a week left and now when I think about it my chest gets tight and my heart goes crazy. I'm not scared or in doubt, just nervous.

My mind is filling my memories with some kind of "melancholic glitter" but I know better than to trust the pretty imaginary version of life.
But, curiously, everything that pissed me off before is kind of endearing now, it's like I'm watching this silly human experience from "above" and it's so small, so ephemeral, just another one of my existences.

Anyway, tomorrow I'll start a liquid diet (water, juice, tea..) until the end, my digestive system is not the best so I want to make it's work easier and keep it as empty as possible to ctb.

I feel the same way, I'm planning to CTB in a couple days and I'm so nervous. every time I think about it I feel sick and so scared, and I remember how happy my childhood was and all the good times I've had with my family. I know it's just my survival instinct desperately trying to get me to stay alive. it's so frustrating though, I wish our bodies would just let us live our last days in peace and not make us so stressed and nervous.
I really hope everything goes as planned for you, and that you feel peace soon. good luck, I'll see you on the other side

 

[thebookofdisquiet.]

I feel the same way, I'm planning to CTB in a couple days and I'm so nervous. every time I think about it I feel sick and so scared, and I remember how happy my childhood was and all the good times I've had with my family. I know it's just my survival instinct desperately trying to get me to stay alive. it's so frustrating though, I wish our bodies would just let us live our last days in peace and not make us so stressed and nervous.
I really hope everything goes as planned for you, and that you feel peace soon. good luck, I'll see you on the other side

Crazy how SI keeps trying to convince us that this is a wrong decision and "life isn't that bad", even though we're rationally sure.

Are you more nervous about the act itself or the unknown after??

Thank you so much! Wishing you luck and easier last days, remember that you're not alone in this scary moment!

 

[not_telling]

Fuck fuck fuck my brother doesn't want to travel with my parents, I'm trying really hard to convince him and I hope he changes his mind because I don't want to ctb in a hurry while he's at school.

Now I'm so anxious that I feel sick.

Oh no. I hope it works out. If he doesn't go, is there any other way you could get some more time alone? Maybe some day he stays until late in school?

 

[thebookofdisquiet.]

Oh no. I hope it works out. If he doesn't go, is there any other way you could get some more time alone? Maybe some day he stays until late in school?

He doesn't want to go because of a friend's birthday party Saturday night.
My bedroom is far away from his/the front door and he knows I have trouble sleeping and shouldn't be bothered so he'd be back late and stay away from my room. I'd have a couple of hours alone at home and then the rest of the night/next morning while he sleeps in (like a rock).

I can only hope that he stays there long enough for me to die/stop making any possible noises + won't need anything from me after coming home.

 

[antilife]

Good luck. I wish you the peace you deserve.

 

[tora]

Crazy how SI keeps trying to convince us that this is a wrong decision and "life isn't that bad", even though we're rationally sure.

Are you more nervous about the act itself or the unknown after??

Thank you so much! Wishing you luck and easier last days, remember that you're not alone in this scary moment!

I think I'm more scared about the unknown after, I don't believe in an afterlife but I'm nervous that there actually is a god and that I'll end up in hell or I'll be reincarnated into a worse life. but it's worth the risk at this point; I'm just fed up with life and all I can do is hope that once I pull the trigger it'll be over permanently.
what about you? are you scared about taking the SN? I wish there was just a button you could push when you're ready to die so it could just be over instantly. I'm going out by shotgun which is the closest you can get to a magic button, so at least it'll be quick.

 

[not_telling]

He doesn't want to go because of a friend's birthday party Saturday night.
My bedroom is far away from his/the front door and he knows I have trouble sleeping and shouldn't be bothered so he'd be back late and stay away from my room. I'd have a couple of hours alone at home and then the rest of the night/next morning while he sleeps in (like a rock).

I can only hope that he stays there long enough for me to die/stop making any possible noises + won't need anything from me after coming home.

I'm sorry it isn't going as well as planned. But with some luck it'll still be a comforting passage. I saw in another thread that someone who used SN got saved because they were breathing loudly and a roommate heard it, do you think your rooms are far away enough so that he won't? I think it might sound a little like what you get during an anxiety attack, as your lung tries to fill with air, but I don't really know. Anyway, good luck. Hope it goes well still.

 

[thebookofdisquiet.]

do you think your rooms are far away enough so that he won't?

I'll drink as soon as I make sure he arrived at the party so hopefully I'll die before he's back.

Thank you, I feel less anxious now, your support is incredibly helpful!

what about you? are you scared about taking the SN?

I'm completely at peace with the afterwards but a bit scared of feeling my body stop working, yeah. Not really afraid of the suffering, I'm used to pain and discomfort, but afraid of the long minutes between life and death.

I'm going out by shotgun which is the closest you can get to a magic button, so at least it'll be quick.

To be honest, I'm jealous haha! You'll be able to skip the slow ending + no chance of failing. I'm happy that you have access to a painless method!

 

[thebookofdisquiet.]

I'm pretty sure my brother decided to go with my parents and I'll be alone! I'm so relieved, being found and saved is my biggest fear.

I think I'm going to call my parents 10pm like I always do before going to bed when they travel without me and then ctb around 1am. It'll be hard to hide my emotions and just wish them a good night.
I can't even say that I love them since I never do (because issues) and they know about my suicidal thoughts, it'll definitely be suspicious. My uncle tried to ctb almost 30 years ago, said he loved my dad and hugged him, an unusual behavior, so my dad connected the dots and saved him from an overdose. I won't make the same mistake.

To be honest I'm in a really good mood now that everything is going according to plan, today I had a dream that I was inside of a car lighting a dynamite (so random, I know haha) and I just closed my eyes waiting for the explosion and then...an amazing peace washed over me, I was simply aware of non-existence, of just Being free of any sensations. I woke up so calm and unafraid of the end.

I feel serene and I hope this feeling remains until my last moments so I can fight my SI.

 

[リンさん]

Really happy to hear that your plan seems to be working out! Must be a big relief knowing nobody will be there to intervene.

I can't imagine how it's like to call someone and know for a fact that it's both the last time you hear from them and the last time they hear from you. It's hard for me to find words since I'm not aware about stuff you're going through and what lead you up until this point, but I'm hopeful those who are close to you will find solace and understanding of your reasons, eventually. You deserve respect, honor and autonomy.

On the topic of dreams, I had an interesting one today - I was in the house by the beautiful beach, looking at the ocean with my lover. Funny how I have never seen an ocean before, yet it was so mesmerizing in the dream. And the lover is also absent in my life currently lol. It felt quite peaceful too.

Sorry for the ramble. I wish you the best of luck, and for this serenity to last till your very last moments here.

 

[thebookofdisquiet.]

Really happy to hear that your plan seems to be working out! Must be a big relief knowing nobody will be there to intervene.

I can't imagine how it's like to call someone and know for a fact that it's both the last time you hear from them and the last time they hear from you. It's hard for me to find words since I'm not aware about stuff you're going through and what lead you up until this point, but I'm hopeful those who are close to you will find solace and understanding of your reasons, eventually. You deserve respect, honor and autonomy.

On the topic of dreams, I had an interesting one today - I was in the house by the beautiful beach, looking at the ocean with my lover. Funny how I have never seen an ocean before, yet it was so mesmerizing in the dream. And the lover is also absent in my life currently lol. It felt quite peaceful too.

Sorry for the ramble. I wish you the best of luck, and for this serenity to last till your very last moments here.

Thank you so much for your kind words, I really appreciate any support right now!

Oh I just love dreams, remembering them can be as comforting as "real" memories since we're affected by the experience all the same. Thank you for sharing with me!
What about setting a goal of seeing the ocean at least once? I bet you'll love it, it's beautiful and the sound of the waves is so soothing.

Anyway, wishing you lucky days too!

 

[not_telling]

I'm pretty sure my brother decided to go with my parents and I'll be alone! I'm so relieved, being found and saved is my biggest fear.

I think I'm going to call my parents 10pm like I always do before going to bed when they travel without me and then ctb around 1am. It'll be hard to hide my emotions and just wish them a good night.
I can't even say that I love them since I never do (because issues) and they know about my suicidal thoughts, it'll definitely be suspicious. My uncle tried to ctb almost 30 years ago, said he loved my dad and hugged him, an unusual behavior, so my dad connected the dots and saved him from an overdose. I won't make the same mistake.

To be honest I'm in a really good mood now that everything is going according to plan, today I had a dream that I was inside of a car lighting a dynamite (so random, I know haha) and I just closed my eyes waiting for the explosion and then...an amazing peace washed over me, I was simply aware of non-existence, of just Being free of any sensations. I woke up so calm and unafraid of the end.

I feel serene and I hope this feeling remains until my last moments so I can fight my SI.

It's good to see some good news! And the dreams, glad to see your brain pulling some move to make you comfortable haha, that's rare. I also had a weird dream today during my biology classes, something about my best friend who is overseas studying, and my other friend who is going into med school soon, we were all together somewhere really high, maybe a mountain or something. I woke up looking for them in class. The dream left a lonely feeling, but it is still good to remember it as one more time with all of us together. I hope your good vibes last, you deserve it!

 

[リンさん]

Thank you so much for your kind words, I really appreciate any support right now!

Oh I just love dreams, remembering them can be as comforting as "real" memories since we're affected by the experience all the same. Thank you for sharing with me!
What about setting a goal of seeing the ocean at least once? I bet you'll love it, it's beautiful and the sound of the waves is so soothing.

Anyway, wishing you lucky days too!

That is actually one of my goals! Nothing is planned yet, but it's definitely on my list of things to do before the inevitable metaphorical bus comes to pick me up, lol. Also, I definitely agree - dreams can be quite uncanny with how real they feel sometimes. Comes as an advantage when it's something positive, but can be distressing if it's a nightmare.

Thank you for replying. Will be looking forward to your updates, if you feel like making any - at a moment like this, it's only correct to do what feels right, without any external pressure

 

[thebookofdisquiet.]

It's good to see some good news! And the dreams, glad to see your brain pulling some move to make you comfortable haha, that's rare. I also had a weird dream today during my biology classes, something about my best friend who is overseas studying, and my other friend who is going into med school soon, we were all together somewhere really high, maybe a mountain or something. I woke up looking for them in class. The dream left a lonely feeling, but it is still good to remember it as one more time with all of us together. I hope your good vibes last, you deserve it!

It's been a long time since I last saw any of my friends, I decided to distance myself months ago to avoid speculation but I really miss them. Enjoy your precious friendships for me! Do you plan on meeting them again?

Thank you!!

 

[not_telling]

It's been a long time since I last saw any of my friends, I decided to distance myself months ago to avoid speculation but I really miss them. Enjoy your precious friendships for me! Do you plan on meeting them again?

Thank you!!

Definitely. I'll be sure to enjoy them someday, and to bring these feelings with me when I see them. I'm sorry you had to do that, sometimes it's just something we have to do. These 2 were the only ones who understood when I felt bad, that's why they still come up in my mind. One day I'll see them again, be it in the end of it all or not.

 

[thebookofdisquiet.]

That is actually one of my goals! Nothing is planned yet, but it's definitely on my list of things to do before the inevitable metaphorical bus comes to pick me up, lol. Also, I definitely agree - dreams can be quite uncanny with how real they feel sometimes. Comes as an advantage when it's something positive, but can be distressing if it's a nightmare.

Thank you for replying. Will be looking forward to your updates, if you feel like making any - at a moment like this, it's only correct to do what feels right, without any external pressure

Then I hope everything goes as planned and you have a wonderful time!
One of my best memories is walking along the shore on a warm night, I could see the moon and a lot of stars, the soft sand and the cold water felt really good, and I remember wishing for life to stop and let me live in that moment forever, feeling like I'm part of the beautiful nature surrounding me.

I really enjoy replying to anyone willing to use their time to comment here, thank YOU for your attention!

 

[thebookofdisquiet.]

What. The. Hell.

I don't believe in God but I don't mind listening to my mom talk about her religion so an hour ago the whole family was in the kitchen and she said that God spoke to her about a "watershed moment" that'll soon happen and change our family life and she doesn't know if it'll be a good or bad change but that SOMETHING will happen.

I faked a calm curiosity about it but my mind was just "what the fuck?? is this her mom sixth sense warning her about my ctb plans????".

I'm still taken aback.

 

[リンさん]

What. The. Hell.

I don't believe in God but I don't mind listening to my mom talk about her religion so an hour ago the whole family was in the kitchen and she said that God spoke to her about a "watershed moment" that'll soon happen and change our family life and she doesn't know if it'll be a good or bad change but that SOMETHING will happen.

I faked a calm curiosity about it but my mind was just "what the fuck?? is this her mom sixth sense warning her about my ctb plans????".

I'm still taken aback.

Man, it's moments like these that make me think perhaps there is something out there. Reading many goodbye threads on this website, so many of them had some sort of intervention, signs, or straight up bizarre things happen.

I don't believe in God either, but I also don't believe that there's nothing spiritual at all to this world. Just too many things to write off as a "coincidence", even in my life, lol.

I hope you're doing well, understandably it must be quite a shock.

 

[release_me]

Yeah, I've always been non-materialistic, got rid of 90% of my things a long time ago, but now buying anything is simply illogical.
I guess this is my new diary now haha nothing interesting but knowing that someone is reading my last thoughts makes me feel less alone, thank you.

Here for you and for all .... your posts are interesting.... waiting for your next post

What. The. Hell.

I don't believe in God but I don't mind listening to my mom talk about her religion so an hour ago the whole family was in the kitchen and she said that God spoke to her about a "watershed moment" that'll soon happen and change our family life and she doesn't know if it'll be a good or bad change but that SOMETHING will happen.

I faked a calm curiosity about it but my mind was just "what the fuck?? is this her mom sixth sense warning her about my ctb plans????".

I'm still taken aback.

Oh that's very interesting!! Is it going to change your plans ? You seem to be quite caring for your family

 

[thebookofdisquiet.]

Is it going to change your plans ?

Don't think so, I'd say I'm acting pretty normal, talking about the future and all, not too sad/happy/clingy etc, so there's no reason for them to cancel their trip or something. Just need to be patient and not freak out about it haha

 

[thebookofdisquiet.]

My beliefs are the main reason for wanting to ctb, they're everything to me and I spent years and years reading, thinking and writing to create my own answers, my own pieces of the "truth puzzle". Sharing something that resonates with them and brings me comfort when it comes to the fear of the unknown:

"In deep sleep, you do not experience anything. But this is because there is 'nothing' to experience, not because 'you' have disappeared. You see neither external world (because the senses are inactive) nor internal thoughts (because the mind is inactive). But the Self that is the witnessing Consciousness in deep meditation is still present in deep sleep. It never 'sleeps' (or dies) because it is the only thing that really exists. It is who you really are."
-Dennis Waite

 

[annique]

Bem, pelo menos temos a sorte do SN e dos remédios serem tão acessíveis aqui hehe.
Sou grato pela atenção!

SN ainda é fácil de achar aqui? Vi que não vendem mais no ML

 

[thebookofdisquiet.]

SN ainda é fácil de achar aqui? Vi que não vendem mais no ML

É sim! Procure em sites que vendem produtos para laboratórios de química.

 

[annique]

É sim! Procure em sites que vendem produtos para laboratórios de química.

Já procurei em alguns, mas parece haver muita burocracia para conseguir comprar desses laboratórios. Vc conseguiu de forma simples? Tipo, sem precisar especificar razões etc, não lhe perguntaram muitas coisas? etc. Obg pela resposta, aliás!

Comprei meu SN ano passado no ML. Ainda o tenho comigo, mas, caso já não sirva, pretendo achar outro.

 

[rosegoldmoon]

I know we have never spoken and I really respect your wish and desire to just not exist anymore. I get it, it's painful to be held hostage in a world, where everything feels hopeless and dark. I am so sorry that this world made you feel this way. :(

But if you ever think about changing your mind, please stay. I am here for you if you want to talk. My heart is hurting for you. (I hope this doesn't come off as mean or guilt tripping. I really don't want to downplay your pain.)

I am here for you if you ever wanna talk. Take care. xx

 

[thebookofdisquiet.]

I know we have never spoken and I really respect your wish and desire to just not exist anymore. I get it, it's painful to be held hostage in a world, where everything feels hopeless and dark. I am so sorry that this world made you feel this way. :(

But if you ever think about changing your mind, please stay. I am here for you if you want to talk. My heart is hurting for you. (I hope this doesn't come off as mean or guilt tripping. I really don't want to downplay your pain.)

I am here for you if you ever wanna talk. Take care. xx

It's okay! I'm not ctb because of pain or the ugly parts of life, it's just something I believe it has to be done, it's all about my creed, an existential factor.

But thank you so much for your empathy and caring words!