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thebookofdisquiet.

thebookofdisquiet.

Student
Sep 9, 2023
188
Reposting because of the data loss, don't really remember what I wrote last time but basically I'll ctb September 22nd so I'm back to spend the rest of my days interacting with those who understand me.

I feel relief and peace while approaching the end of this current existence, and I'm excited for the next one.
The lack of consequences, of tomorrows, is great. Life doesn't hurt me anymore because nothing matters when death is so close, I feel untouchable haha.

The worst part is the boredom. I'm just killing time now, it feels slow just like the night before my childhood birthdays.

I'll use this thread for the countdown, I'm always curious about people's final days and want to distract myself.
 
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J

jordan6243

Member
Sep 9, 2023
7
I'm glad you feel the peace and relief of having a plan. I think we've all dreamed of a consequence "free" life, you got it in a sense so that much be an amazing sensation. How did you choose a day? Was there any factors that contributed majorly?
 
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thebookofdisquiet.

thebookofdisquiet.

Student
Sep 9, 2023
188
I'm glad you feel the peace and relief of having a plan. I think we've all dreamed of a consequence "free" life, you got it in a sense so that much be an amazing sensation. How did you choose a day? Was there any factors that contributed majorly?
I've been mentally ready for this since forever and now I have all the medicine needed and finally received my SN last week so I was simply waiting for an opportunity and luckily I'll be home alone in 2 weeks, that's it. :)
 
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Goku Black

Goku Black

Global Mod
Jun 5, 2023
3,303
Reposting because of the data loss, don't really remember what I wrote last time but basically I'll ctb September 22nd so I'm back to spend the rest of my days interacting with those who understand me.

I feel relief and peace while approaching the end of this current existence, and I'm excited for the next one.
The lack of consequences, of tomorrows, is great. Life doesn't hurt me anymore because nothing matters when death is so close, I feel untouchable haha.

The worst part is the boredom. I'm just killing time now, it feels slow just like the night before my childhood birthdays.

I'll use this thread for the countdown, I'm always curious about people's final days and want to distract myself.
Oh yeah, you did post about this along with your regimen yesterday before all the data got wiped out. I wish you all the best with your plans going forward.
 
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アホペンギン

アホペンギン

Jul 10, 2023
2,202
I've been mentally ready for this since forever and now I have all the medicine needed and finally received my SN last week so I was simply waiting for an opportunity and luckily I'll be home alone in 2 weeks, that's it. :)
I wish you the best with your plans, hopefully you manage to find peace :)
 
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FuneralCry

FuneralCry

Tortured by evil humans
Sep 24, 2020
35,203
I understand why you'd feel relieved to be leaving, I hope that when the time is right for you to leave you find the freedom you search for.
 
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Umi__

Umi__

life is pretty much worthless
Sep 9, 2023
27
I wish u the best, i hope everything goes well and u can find a peace u wanted ♥️
 
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borderlinealcoholic

borderlinealcoholic

Member
Feb 13, 2023
34
hope everything works out for you. I know we dont know eachother but Im pretty sure you're an amazing person. Just too amazing for this cruel world
 
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thebookofdisquiet.

thebookofdisquiet.

Student
Sep 9, 2023
188
hope everything works out for you. I know we dont know eachother but Im pretty sure you're an amazing person. Just too amazing for this cruel world
Thank you, that's great to read! I bet you're a lovely person.
 
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backtoearth

backtoearth

<3
Sep 9, 2023
115
I am glad you have found this relief, and I hope you manage to find peace <3 I am happy you have this place for support in these next weeks
 
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not_telling

not_telling

Scared
Sep 9, 2023
90
Great that you have found your way to peace. Glad to see it, really. Too bad that it costs your life, but really when peace is the prize and you're in terms with it, I guess that the rest doesn't really matter. Hope that I can come to terms with it as well someday. Hope everything works out, and that you have a relaxed ride until the end.
 
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thebookofdisquiet.

thebookofdisquiet.

Student
Sep 9, 2023
188
Great that you have found your way to peace. Glad to see it, really. Too bad that it costs your life, but really when peace is the prize and you're in terms with it, I guess that the rest doesn't really matter. Hope that I can come to terms with it as well someday. Hope everything works out, and that you have a relaxed ride until the end.
Thank you! Your signature is amazing btw.
 
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zisouszi

zisouszi

New Member
Sep 9, 2023
3
Reposting because of the data loss, don't really remember what I wrote last time but basically I'll ctb September 22nd so I'm back to spend the rest of my days interacting with those who understand me.

I feel relief and peace while approaching the end of this current existence, and I'm excited for the next one.
The lack of consequences, of tomorrows, is great. Life doesn't hurt me anymore because nothing matters when death is so close, I feel untouchable haha.

The worst part is the boredom. I'm just killing time now, it feels slow just like the night before my childhood birthdays.

I'll use this thread for the countdown, I'm always curious about people's final days and want to distract myself.
i hope that you will get the relief that you dreamed of🩷 just by planning it i can see that you're very calm about your journey, maybe you can use your last 13 days to do something you always wanted to do
 
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thebookofdisquiet.

thebookofdisquiet.

Student
Sep 9, 2023
188
It's really weird when nothing long-term makes sense anymore, I'm just avoiding what won't affect me in the next 12 days.
Yesterday I visited the mall to use an old birthday gift card, just to spend some time with my parents, and I simply couldn't choose anything because I won't even use it! I bought shower stuff that I can use right now and I don't know, die smelling nice? Everything seems so shallow and superfluous now.

My only worry is making sure that my parents take my younger brother to travel with them so I can be home alone or I'll have only ± 5 hours to ctb while he's at school.
I hope it's enough.
 
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アホペンギン

アホペンギン

Jul 10, 2023
2,202
It's really weird when nothing long-term makes sense anymore, I'm just avoiding what won't affect me in the next 12 days.
Yesterday I visited the mall to use an old birthday gift card, just to spend some time with my parents, and I simply couldn't choose anything because I won't even use it! I bought shower stuff that I can use right now and I don't know, die smelling nice? Everything seems so shallow and superfluous now.

My only worry is making sure that my parents take my younger brother to travel with them so I can be home alone or I'll have only ± 5 hours to ctb while he's at school.
I hope it's enough.
Its good to die smelling nice but you will probably vomit and the new shower products smells will be canceled. Also, it is good to enjoy some of the last things that life has to offer than somewhat bring you joy and whatnot. I assume the mall is something like that for you so I'm glad you went. :)

Also, 5 hours is enough since death comes in ±40 minutes and you become unable to be saved after maybe 2 hours, based on some peoples' experiences.
 
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J

jordan6243

Member
Sep 9, 2023
7
It's really weird when nothing long-term makes sense anymore, I'm just avoiding what won't affect me in the next 12 days.
Yesterday I visited the mall to use an old birthday gift card, just to spend some time with my parents, and I simply couldn't choose anything because I won't even use it! I bought shower stuff that I can use right now and I don't know, die smelling nice? Everything seems so shallow and superfluous now.

My only worry is making sure that my parents take my younger brother to travel with them so I can be home alone or I'll have only ± 5 hours to ctb while he's at school.
I hope it's enough.
I feel the same way about buying new things. Despite having a plan, whenever I buy something, even if it is just a regular consumable like toothpaste or soap, I ask myself, "Do I really need this?" I think it's an even more dramatic reason for not caring or knowing it doesn't matter in the end. It's good to see another post from you and I look forward to your next one.
 
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thebookofdisquiet.

thebookofdisquiet.

Student
Sep 9, 2023
188
I feel the same way about buying new things. Despite having a plan, whenever I buy something, even if it is just a regular consumable like toothpaste or soap, I ask myself, "Do I really need this?" I think it's an even more dramatic reason for not caring or knowing it doesn't matter in the end. It's good to see another post from you and I look forward to your next one.
Yeah, I've always been non-materialistic, got rid of 90% of my things a long time ago, but now buying anything is simply illogical.
I guess this is my new diary now haha nothing interesting but knowing that someone is reading my last thoughts makes me feel less alone, thank you.
 
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リンさん

リンさん

Rina • she/her, lesbian
Sep 9, 2023
323
It's really weird when nothing long-term makes sense anymore, I'm just avoiding what won't affect me in the next 12 days.
Yesterday I visited the mall to use an old birthday gift card, just to spend some time with my parents, and I simply couldn't choose anything because I won't even use it! I bought shower stuff that I can use right now and I don't know, die smelling nice? Everything seems so shallow and superfluous now.

My only worry is making sure that my parents take my younger brother to travel with them so I can be home alone or I'll have only ± 5 hours to ctb while he's at school.
I hope it's enough.
Must be surreal living through an experience like this. I hope you're doing well. Knowing that soon none of it will matter is just as comforting as it is terrifying, for me at least.

Good to see you posting, take this time for yourself and your family🤍
 
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thebookofdisquiet.

thebookofdisquiet.

Student
Sep 9, 2023
188
Well, my dad fell into a deep depressive episode and does nothing but stay in bed crying or staring at the wall all day, and the stress is now worsening my mom's parkinson's.

I'm trying to not let all the suffering affect me, it'll all be over soon, I'll just do my best to help and comfort them. Wish I could sleep the remaining tough days away..what a fucked up ending, huh?

Yesterday I bought more ondansetron to implement into my regimen and isopropyl alcohol swabs to smell and fight the nausea, failure is not an option.
 
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Wehmut

Wehmut

it's not fair...
Apr 13, 2023
53
I hope you can spend the rest of your days peaceful and without stress on this earth. I hope everything goes well when your day comes to enter eternal sleep and find peace in empty bliss! Farewell
 
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P

Praestat_Mori

Mori praestat, quam haec pati!
May 21, 2023
9,980
I wish you all the best with your plan. I hope you find peace. Safe travels and good luck!
 
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C

cerealandmilk

Member
Sep 9, 2023
24
Good luck and hope your method works for you
 
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thebookofdisquiet.

thebookofdisquiet.

Student
Sep 9, 2023
188
Testing the dosage of propranolol again today, last week I took 40mg for the first time ever and my heartbeat didn't change at all, today I took 80mg and, again, practically no change. I was planning to use 160mg but now I'm thinking about 200 or 240.

Before and after 1:15h Fotor 2023 9 12 19 8 40 IMG 20230912 192504773
 
not_telling

not_telling

Scared
Sep 9, 2023
90
So sorry about your family. :( Disease is never easy, I guess. Glad you have something to cling onto for comfort, even if it's the end of it all. It's weird and kind of "interesting (?)" to read your posts as the days passes (I'm sorry if the way I'm expressing it is offensive, I really don't mean it to sound that way but can't find better words). You're really strong OP, despite what other people say about the ones who choose to ctb, your strength is undeniable to anyone who reads all this. Hang on, you're almost there. There is peace waiting for you somewhere, and I hope you find your way to it in the end. You deserve it.
 
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G

Gonnerr

Enlightened
Mar 12, 2023
1,323
I might spend all my money and more , credit card cannot make me pay when im dead , that's a good thing about death.
 
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thebookofdisquiet.

thebookofdisquiet.

Student
Sep 9, 2023
188
So sorry about your family. :( Disease is never easy, I guess. Glad you have something to cling onto for comfort, even if it's the end of it all. It's weird and kind of "interesting (?)" to read your posts as the days passes (I'm sorry if the way I'm expressing it is offensive, I really don't mean it to sound that way but can't find better words). You're really strong OP, despite what other people say about the ones who choose to ctb, your strength is undeniable to anyone who reads all this. Hang on, you're almost there. There is peace waiting for you somewhere, and I hope you find your way to it in the end. You deserve it.
Thank you so much for your kind words and for taking the time to read and comment here, it's really important to me! I'll try my best to stay resilient and patient.

(Acho que te vi na thread br, pode comentar em português se quiser!)
 
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not_telling

not_telling

Scared
Sep 9, 2023
90
Thank you so much for your kind words and for taking the time to read and comment here, it's really important to me! I'll try my best to stay resilient and patient.

(Acho que te vi na thread br, pode comentar em português se quiser!)
Uau, não esperava achar tantos brasileiros! Me pergunto o que isso indica sobre o país haha. E vou estar acompanhando até sua passagem, como quer que seja. Tentar fazer companhia é o mínimo de apoio que eu posso dar.
 
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thebookofdisquiet.

thebookofdisquiet.

Student
Sep 9, 2023
188
Uau, não esperava achar tantos brasileiros! Me pergunto o que isso indica sobre o país haha. E vou estar acompanhando até sua passagem, como quer que seja. Tentar fazer companhia é o mínimo de apoio que eu posso dar.
Bem, pelo menos temos a sorte do SN e dos remédios serem tão acessíveis aqui hehe.
Sou grato pela atenção!
 
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