Venting Counting down the days

[Ella Disenchanted]

My date had to get pushed back due to unforseen circumstances. The wait has been torture, running the full range from terrified, to relieved and happy, excited, and back to terror.

As the revised date draws closer, I feel my resolve that was iron clad start to falter.

But I can't turn back now. I must find a way to be at peace with this. I fear death. I don't want to die but the simple truth is that I don't want this life anymore. I don't want to suffer. I am not unbalanced. I am in pain and I want to make that stop. I don't want locked up in a mental ward. I don't want to be dismissed by uncaring and cold mental health staff. I want kindness and compassion. I want patience and someone guiding me through the pain, helping me find a way out. Helping me see that it is possible.

Maybe if that was possible then things would be ok. But they're not. I'm alone to struggle in the darkness and I don't want to continue that lonely battle anymore. I just don't.

I must find a way to summon my courage and stare the fear down so I can be at peace. To be free.

 

[Trashcan]

The survival instinct is a bitch, isn't it? I hope you are able to find peace. I'm reminding myself of all the reasons I'm doing it and that has helped me come to terms with my fate. I don't know if that will help for you or not.

 

[DeadLikeMe]

Good Luck.

 

[Fallen bad23]

Maybe the answer isn't your death. I know you are in pain and agony and professional help doesn't always seem good. Maybe you need someone to talk to, someone that would be there for you when life is bleak and dark. It is better if you give life another go maybe things turn out your way this time.

 

[Ella Disenchanted]

Maybe the answer isn't your death. I know you are in pain and agony and professional help doesn't always seem good. Maybe you need someone to talk to, someone that would be there for you when life is bleak and dark. It is better if you give life another go maybe things turn out your way this time.

There is nobody. That's the point.. I've spent almost 2 decades reaching out without luck. I can't do this alone anymore. I just can't. You have no idea what the isolation does after all this time.

 

[Revok]

There is nobody. That's the point.. I've spent almost 2 decades reaching out without luck. I can't do this alone anymore. I just can't. You have no idea what the isolation does after all this time.

It's extremely hard to get on your feet when you have noone to rely on. I can offer you to listen and talk to you if that would help at all. Feel free to send me a message.

 

[GeorgeEastman]

I envy the isolation so I could be more free to jump off the world. I idiotically tried in life and actually succeeded. Big mistake for me, but they act like it helps them out.

Feel like I have to stick it out until I can somehow show them I'm in way too much torture to continue. It'll happen. I have to make them tell me I'm better off dead. The old man already said he'd shoot himself if he was like this. But apparently I need more people to agree.

 

[Fallen bad23]

There is nobody. That's the point.. I've spent almost 2 decades reaching out without luck. I can't do this alone anymore. I just can't. You have no idea what the isolation does after all this time.

I would take a wild guess and say that I know what it does and the pain it causes because I'm down this road myself too. You might feel that you are screaming but everyone around you is deaf to hear you or paralysed that they can't reach out to make you feel alright or show you that they are there for you. Somehow you find yourself in that position and you think that taking your own life is the right thing to do. I know how you feel and I don't judge you or anyone else who is thinking about that but I just can't help but seeing the beauty of life and all the good things that we will miss if we just go. Try to reach out bit by bit, try to do something that you really love and enjoy, meet some people but be carefull not give all your heart at once so you don't get hurt. Pain is there I know it won't just go away yet you can appreciate that fact that you still feel and alive and there is always hope.

 

[onewayroad]

I would take a wild guess and say that I know what it does and the pain it causes because I'm down this road myself too. You might feel that you are screaming but everyone around you is deaf to hear you or paralysed that they can't reach out to make you feel alright or show you that they are there for you. Somehow you find yourself in that position and you think that taking your own life is the right thing to do. I know how you feel and I don't judge you or anyone else who is thinking about that but I just can't help but seeing the beauty of life and all the good things that we will miss if we just go. Try to reach out bit by bit, try to do something that you really love and enjoy, meet some people but be carefull not give all your heart at once so you don't get hurt. Pain is there I know it won't just go away yet you can appreciate that fact that you still feel and alive and there is always hope.

"yet you can appreciate that fact that you still feel and alive and there is always hope."

I think you are making a big assumption there buddy. Some of us have brains that do not work properly and cannot appreciate that fact.

And, there is often hope, but there is not always hope. Do people in agony with terminal cancer and a couple of months to live have hope? Hope for what? That their agony stretches on a little longer? Hope that they deteriorate into vegetables shitting themselves with no dignity?

There is not always hope.

 

[Ella Disenchanted]

I would take a wild guess and say that I know what it does and the pain it causes because I'm down this road myself too. You might feel that you are screaming but everyone around you is deaf to hear you or paralysed that they can't reach out to make you feel alright or show you that they are there for you. Somehow you find yourself in that position and you think that taking your own life is the right thing to do. I know how you feel and I don't judge you or anyone else who is thinking about that but I just can't help but seeing the beauty of life and all the good things that we will miss if we just go. Try to reach out bit by bit, try to do something that you really love and enjoy, meet some people but be carefull not give all your heart at once so you don't get hurt. Pain is there I know it won't just go away yet you can appreciate that fact that you still feel and alive and there is always hope.

Your words are very touching. How you describe the isolation is so true. It's not the only reason I'm ending my life but it's the reason I can't find my footing. I was abused a long time ago. I never healed or trusted again. I lost the last of my hope some time ago but kept plodding on regardless.

Even going through the motions hurts me more than I can say. It feels like I'm saying that it's ok for me to hurt this much. Well it's not ok. Staying alive feels like I'm just sitting back and letting it all happen. At least this way I'm doing something about it. I'm taking control because I matter and I deserve to be at peace.

 

[Fallen bad23]

Your words are very touching. How you describe the isolation is so true. It's not the only reason I'm ending my life but it's the reason I can't find my footing. I was abused a long time ago. I never healed or trusted again. I lost the last of my hope some time ago but kept plodding on regardless.

Even going through the motions hurts me more than I can say. It feels like I'm saying that it's ok for me to hurt this much. Well it's not ok. Staying alive feels like I'm just sitting back and letting it all happen. At least this way I'm doing something about it. I'm taking control because I matter and I deserve to be at peace.

I'm not sure about the healing part, maybe some people do heal after all while others learn to live with the pain and use it as a fuel to keep on going or to be creative. The pain is real and it tears your soul apart that is a known fact yet how do we know for sure that after death we shall find peace? If it is there then why can't we have peace while living? I wonder a lot about that.

 

[Fallen bad23]

"yet you can appreciate that fact that you still feel and alive and there is always hope."

I think you are making a big assumption there buddy. Some of us have brains that do not work properly and cannot appreciate that fact.

And, there is often hope, but there is not always hope. Do people in agony with terminal cancer and a couple of months to live have hope? Hope for what? That their agony stretches on a little longer? Hope that they deteriorate into vegetables shitting themselves with no dignity?

There is not always hope.

I agree with you about the brain thing. But for that example lets just assume that these people who suffer and are only expected to get worse just spend their last days doing whatever that love be it travelling the world, shark diving, or just hanging with their loved one and watching tv. Hope is there sometimes it fades, sometimes it shines, other times it is in disguise and needs a little effort to be noticed.

 

[onewayroad]

I agree with you about the brain thing. But for that example lets just assume that these people who suffer and are only expected to get worse just spend their last days doing whatever that love be it travelling the world, shark diving, or just hanging with their loved one and watching tv. Hope is there sometimes it fades, sometimes it shines, other times it is in disguise and needs a little effort to be noticed.

I get it. But sometimes you can't travel the world, shark dive or even just hang out and watch TV if you are in crippling pain. All you can do is suffer. And all you can hope for is more suffering. There are people in that situation. Personally, I have hope. I might find a medication that works for me, and I hope that I do. But when I am all out of hope I deserve the right to choose to end my suffering rather than be forced to continue suffering hopelessly for decades.

 

[Fallen bad23]

I get it. But sometimes you can't travel the world, shark dive or even just hang out and watch TV if you are in crippling pain. All you can do is suffer. And all you can hope for is more suffering. There are people in that situation. Personally, I have hope. I might find a medication that works for me, and I hope that I do. But when I am all out of hope I deserve the right to choose to end my suffering rather than be forced to continue suffering hopelessly for decades.

I pray that you never have to suffer and find a medication that helps you get better. I know what you are talking about because my grandmother was in that sitting vegetable situation for 5 years. It was not great I tell you that from experience and I pray no one ever gets through that thing ever.

 

[onewayroad]

I pray that you never have to suffer and find a medication that helps you get better. I know what you are talking about because my grandmother was in that sitting vegetable situation for 5 years. It was not great I tell you that from experience and I pray no one ever gets through that thing ever.

I'm very sorry to hear about your grandmother. And I think my chances are about 50/50 of getting well, which is not so bad.