cymbaline23
Member
- May 1, 2024
- 26
I'm a 22 year old male. I don't want to be on this planet anymore. The pain is too much to handle. I'm pretty sure I'm autistic. I was such an idiot at therapy today, I could barely speak and she asked if I want to die. I didn't really answer because I was scared, but I wish I would've talked about it, even if i would've ended up in the hospital. I feel like I failed or made myself look creepy because I was smiling and laughing uncontrollably for some reason. I think it's because I'm coming off the last 25mg of Seroquel. That's also probably why these feelings are more intense. I don't want her to think I'm a bad person. She said it reminded her of the joker and I said I didn't like that. I don't think she meant harm by it, but I don't want someone to see me that way.
I feel so alone and disconnected from this world. I don't belong here, I barely feel human. I'm terrified of leaving the house, I'm scared people, cars, and big places. I wasn't built to fit into society, and I don't wanna play this stupid game. I have no goals or ambitions, I never have. All I have is music and 2 people that I love. Just washing the dishes makes me upset. I feel like I'm faking everything. I want some form of independence but I can't be alone too long. I need someone.
Therapy is the only thing I look forward to, I don't really have anything else (apart from seeing my friend every-other weekend). As soon as the session is over, I wish I had more time, and I obsessively think about next week's session.
I don't want to live in a world where my worth is entirely decided on whether or not I can keep a job and drive a 2 ton metal death contraption. It feels like my life has no value. My therapist has reassured me and told me otherwise, it helps in the moment but it doesn't feel true. More than anything I just want to be loved, but that's impossible with how things are. I also wouldn't want to bring my baggage into someone else's life. But I don't know how to heal. I'm not sure if I even can or want to.
I was also sexually abused from age 11-14. I don't know how much impact that's had on my life, but I'm sure it's greater than I realize. I don't know how to talk about it more in depth with my therapist, I don't know if I even need to. She doesn't do certain therapy so I'm not sure if she can help me with it. I feel like she needs to ask more questions to pull my thoughts out, because I don't know what to say, and these charts and "homework" aren't helping me.
I don't have a set plan, I just want this pain to end. I'm not sure if I want to do it or if I even have the courage, but I'm so done with this never-ending pain. I wanted to make more music before dying, I wanted to leave something meaningful behind. I've been so hateful my whole life, while I've had so much love to give. I just want to be seen. I need a hug so bad. I want to see my blood but I don't want to make scars. I wish there was a peaceful way to die. I wish I could find all the perfect words to say and leave them in a note. I don't want to leave without leaving something behind, but I don't know how much more of this I can take. I just want to be free, I want to feel peace. I'm worried about what's on the other side. I don't want to go to hell. I'm not sure if I want to go to heaven either. I think I'd rather just stop existing altogether.
I feel so alone and disconnected from this world. I don't belong here, I barely feel human. I'm terrified of leaving the house, I'm scared people, cars, and big places. I wasn't built to fit into society, and I don't wanna play this stupid game. I have no goals or ambitions, I never have. All I have is music and 2 people that I love. Just washing the dishes makes me upset. I feel like I'm faking everything. I want some form of independence but I can't be alone too long. I need someone.
Therapy is the only thing I look forward to, I don't really have anything else (apart from seeing my friend every-other weekend). As soon as the session is over, I wish I had more time, and I obsessively think about next week's session.
I don't want to live in a world where my worth is entirely decided on whether or not I can keep a job and drive a 2 ton metal death contraption. It feels like my life has no value. My therapist has reassured me and told me otherwise, it helps in the moment but it doesn't feel true. More than anything I just want to be loved, but that's impossible with how things are. I also wouldn't want to bring my baggage into someone else's life. But I don't know how to heal. I'm not sure if I even can or want to.
I was also sexually abused from age 11-14. I don't know how much impact that's had on my life, but I'm sure it's greater than I realize. I don't know how to talk about it more in depth with my therapist, I don't know if I even need to. She doesn't do certain therapy so I'm not sure if she can help me with it. I feel like she needs to ask more questions to pull my thoughts out, because I don't know what to say, and these charts and "homework" aren't helping me.
I don't have a set plan, I just want this pain to end. I'm not sure if I want to do it or if I even have the courage, but I'm so done with this never-ending pain. I wanted to make more music before dying, I wanted to leave something meaningful behind. I've been so hateful my whole life, while I've had so much love to give. I just want to be seen. I need a hug so bad. I want to see my blood but I don't want to make scars. I wish there was a peaceful way to die. I wish I could find all the perfect words to say and leave them in a note. I don't want to leave without leaving something behind, but I don't know how much more of this I can take. I just want to be free, I want to feel peace. I'm worried about what's on the other side. I don't want to go to hell. I'm not sure if I want to go to heaven either. I think I'd rather just stop existing altogether.