I don't know how to keep going

[TheHolySword]

Ever since I started working at my current job I set a timer to ctb for 2 years. I had to wait 2 years for my life insurance to pay out on suicide. It's almost time (May of next year) but I don't want to wait anymore. My SN should be shipped within the next couple of days and hopefully will arrive shortly after. My problem is that I'm ready to die now. And once my SN arrives it will be so much harder for me to continue living these last 5 or so months. It's such a short amount of time but it feels like an eternity. I want it all to end but I can't leave my younger brother with nothing. I don't know how I'm going to be able to keep fighting when the solution will be right next to me. I am so close to freedom but so far. I don't want to see the new year, I don't want to be in pain anymore, I don't want this life. How am I supposed to keep going when it will be so easy to leave?

 

[Leiot]

I think about my cats kinda the same way. Is my suffering worth keeping them from suffering? If you have a plan to take care of your younger brother keep that in the front of your mind. Is he worth it? I'd think so. Hang in there a little while longer.

 

[TheHolySword]

I think about my cats kinda the same way. Is my suffering worth keeping them from suffering? If you have a plan to take care of your younger brother keep that in the front of your mind. Is he worth it? I'd think so. Hang in there a little while longer.

Thank you for this. I think I needed to hear it. He is beyond worth it, he's the most important thing in my life. I love him beyond words. I know there's nothing that could replace me to him and he would rather have me than any amount of money but I don't have the heart to tell him that I can't do this anymore. I'm leaving him all the insurance money and I'm hoping it will be enough to help him start the life that he has wanted for so long. And if I have to keep going just a little bit longer to make my death a bit more meaningful then I will.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I feel similarly about my Dad. I don't feel like I can put him through my suicide. But then also, I don't know how long I'll have to wait and sometimes, the wait feels unbearable. Sometimes, it's almost a sense of panic I feel at how long I might still have to get through. The prospect of actually suiciding also fills me with dread. I just feel so resentful so much of the time that all of my choices look shit.

You sound like such a good brother. I'm sorry things have worked out like this.

 

[FuneralCry]

I really understand just wanting to be gone, I also just wish to be free from it all as well. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[TheHolySword]

I feel similarly about my Dad. I don't feel like I can put him through my suicide. But then also, I don't know how long I'll have to wait and sometimes, the wait feels unbearable. Sometimes, it's almost a sense of panic I feel at how long I might still have to get through. The prospect of actually suiciding also fills me with dread. I just feel so resentful so much of the time that all of my choices look shit.

You sound like such a good brother. I'm sorry things have worked out like this.

*sister haha but thank you! I have tried very hard to give him all the love he deserves, I haven't always been the best and I've made plenty of mistakes but I do everything that I can.

I'm both sorry that you understand the feeling with your dad (it's such a horrible pain knowing what you're going to put someone through) but also glad that you have that love in your life. The closer I get, the more dread I feel about CTBing. I'm hoping once everything starts to arrive maybe I'll feel calmer and more at peace with the decision. I hope you're able to find your peace

 

[Warlord's Pulse]

If you don't mind my asking, you are the sole responsible for your brother?

 

[TheHolySword]

If you don't mind my asking, you are the sole responsible for your brother?

I am not. I think I may have misled people when I said younger he is an adult and lives in another state with his partner's family. But he is unable to work and has very little to his name, he has to rely on others to survive. I send him money every now and then and buy him things whenever he wants as well as pay any bills he may have (usually something his insurance doesn't cover). But most of my care is in emotional support. I know he'll be okay without me but I want to leave him as much money as I can so he can take care of himself if he needs to. He's just always leaned on me more than anyone else in his life (until his current partner) and I'm very protective of him and worry what it'll be like after I'm gone.

 

[been__ready]

I wish I had an answer to this as I'm struggling with the same existential angst.. but it does seem like you have a really strong reason to keep going.. a noble one at that.

He is lucky to have a sibling like you…