February 12th is going to be the 5 year anniversary of my attempt to CTB. It's also the first anniversary of that date since someone I was very close to at the time succeeded at their attempt.
To be clear, I'm very glad I'm alive. I was 16 at the time going through a breakup and I didn't know how to handle it. My life circumstances now are fantastic compared to then, and I'm very content with where I'm at. However, last summer, my first boyfriend (we'd been broken for years at this point but it was still shocking) successfully CTB while he was in the military. I'm feeling so much guilt right now. Him breaking up with me was the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak that ended me up in the hospital. I made it no secret at the time that that was a major reason, specifically to him.
Looking back, i have such conflicted feelings. I was just a kid in pain doing my best to find some relief. I thought he was that relief, but our relationship was bad for both of us in heinsight. I am glad he broke up with me, as the relationship im in now is actually healthy. I also know that nobody CTB's for just one reason. The little I know about his life before and since our relationship, he was put through a lot. But there's a part in my brain that's telling me that my actions 5 years ago are at least in some small way a part of why he's dead today, and I don't think im wrong. I do forgive myself. I was a child. I was not well. I have learned. But still. He's dead. I went to his funeral and had to watch as some random navy sailor carried the box containing the cremated remains of the person I had my first kiss with. And I know I am in some way, small or large, responsible for him ending up in that tiny, tiny box.
I'm not sure what Im looking for when posting this, whether it be advice or sympathy or other peoples stories. It feels good to share though.
To be clear, I'm very glad I'm alive. I was 16 at the time going through a breakup and I didn't know how to handle it. My life circumstances now are fantastic compared to then, and I'm very content with where I'm at. However, last summer, my first boyfriend (we'd been broken for years at this point but it was still shocking) successfully CTB while he was in the military. I'm feeling so much guilt right now. Him breaking up with me was the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak that ended me up in the hospital. I made it no secret at the time that that was a major reason, specifically to him.
Looking back, i have such conflicted feelings. I was just a kid in pain doing my best to find some relief. I thought he was that relief, but our relationship was bad for both of us in heinsight. I am glad he broke up with me, as the relationship im in now is actually healthy. I also know that nobody CTB's for just one reason. The little I know about his life before and since our relationship, he was put through a lot. But there's a part in my brain that's telling me that my actions 5 years ago are at least in some small way a part of why he's dead today, and I don't think im wrong. I do forgive myself. I was a child. I was not well. I have learned. But still. He's dead. I went to his funeral and had to watch as some random navy sailor carried the box containing the cremated remains of the person I had my first kiss with. And I know I am in some way, small or large, responsible for him ending up in that tiny, tiny box.
I'm not sure what Im looking for when posting this, whether it be advice or sympathy or other peoples stories. It feels good to share though.
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