Venting 3 year anniversary of best friend's ctb

[suffocatingseraphim]

as the title implies, it's been 3 years on the day since my best friend of nearly a decade took their life.

we had a very excruciating falling out right before he died, and he initially found his method of SN through me since I was venting about it and slipped up in mentioning the forum years prior. I was scared to mention it to him as I knew he would take his life with the resources i had saved up.
he had attempted many times before and struggled with schizo effective traits and severe trauma, we both shared similar trauma and were unfortunately the other persons 'only reason to stay alive.' we felt as though the other person was the only one who truly understood us. especially as enmeshed codependent queer people through our teens and twenties. i. do not have anybody i trust in my life. not truly, not deeply, not like him. my trust is shattered and my walls are high.

I do not feel emotionally safe or loved by my friends- they tend to exclude me constantly. I love my partner, but they are very avoidant and neutral. Even on the death anniversary they opted to scroll their phone and take a nap instead of sitting with me or maybe talking about things. on the one year death anniversary they planned a camping trip out of the state without me.

Maybe my expectations are too high, and ive stopped asking for help and support after years of being met with dead ends. I miss him so fucking badly, I want to go with him. I kick myself for not taking my life right after he took his. I want to SH again, or smoke, or just stand on the edge of the tallest building in the city and teeter there.

Instead I'm fucking numb and socially isolated, effectively the disgusting grieving outcast of my group, with no one to confide in.
we would drop anything to call eachother or go on a drive, smoke on his roof or sob in each others arms until we laughed. i will never know anyone like him. isolation is the true lead to suicide.

I don't want to be alive much longer, but I'm legally not allowed to own a gun and have no acess to SN, at least at the moment. my cats are the only reason I'm alive, and due to the guilt of what the people i know would go through.
I just hope he finally is getting rest from his life, and the peace he deserves
god i want to be with him again
i need to be

i have nothing left

 

[mutsu]

i hope your friend is resting peacefully, i'm sorry for your loss

i lost a close friend of mine to suicide just about a month ago and every fabric of my being wishes that i can one day join her as well. it feels weird that the world continues on in the absense of her presence.

whatever your decision may be, i hope you can one day find peace

 

[bagel12]

as the title implies, it's been 3 years on the day since my best friend of nearly a decade took their life.

we had a very excruciating falling out right before he died, and he initially found his method of SN through me since I was venting about it and slipped up in mentioning the forum years prior. I was scared to mention it to him as I knew he would take his life with the resources i had saved up.
he had attempted many times before and struggled with schizo effective traits and severe trauma, we both shared similar trauma and were unfortunately the other persons 'only reason to stay alive.' we felt as though the other person was the only one who truly understood us. especially as enmeshed codependent queer people through our teens and twenties. i. do not have anybody i trust in my life. not truly, not deeply, not like him. my trust is shattered and my walls are high.

I do not feel emotionally safe or loved by my friends- they tend to exclude me constantly. I love my partner, but they are very avoidant and neutral. Even on the death anniversary they opted to scroll their phone and take a nap instead of sitting with me or maybe talking about things. on the one year death anniversary they planned a camping trip out of the state without me.

Maybe my expectations are too high, and ive stopped asking for help and support after years of being met with dead ends. I miss him so fucking badly, I want to go with him. I kick myself for not taking my life right after he took his. I want to SH again, or smoke, or just stand on the edge of the tallest building in the city and teeter there.

Instead I'm fucking numb and socially isolated, effectively the disgusting grieving outcast of my group, with no one to confide in.
we would drop anything to call eachother or go on a drive, smoke on his roof or sob in each others arms until we laughed. i will never know anyone like him. isolation is the true lead to suicide.

I don't want to be alive much longer, but I'm legally not allowed to own a gun and have no acess to SN, at least at the moment. my cats are the only reason I'm alive, and due to the guilt of what the people i know would go through.
I just hope he finally is getting rest from his life, and the peace he deserves
god i want to be with him again
i need to be

i have nothing left

im so, so sorry about your best friend i cannot imagine the pain, loss, and loneliness you feel. birthdays are so hard.

small grief practices and rituals help me during big dates/anniversaries. it helps me feel more connected to the person i'm grieving. i'll share some things that help me in the hopes that it might help you too:

• what was his favorite food? maybe you could bake, cook, or eat that to feel closer to him.
• what music, movies, shows, books, or video games did he like, would engaging with those help?
• i like writing a letter to the person, and then optionally burning it or tying it to a balloon and releasing it. the tangible nature of it helps me.
• i like writing down happy memories with the person. sometimes it is something i want to keep for myself, other times it helps to share with others. if it would help you to talk about him, traits you like about him, fun memories with him, anything about him, i am here to listen
• i heard some places you can plant a tree in honor of someone, i think that's pretty cool but i havent done it
• after i do these things, it helps to do something hopeful, like buying a trinket that makes me think of them, or buying a little succulent/plant, going for a walk in nature, volunteering. it keeps my mindset in a reflective place, but it brings me into a setting that makes me think more of life than of death.

also, i'm sorry that you don't have anyone who you fully trust and feel emotionally safe with. you asked if your expectations are too high, i'm here to tell you that they aren't! to be honest, these people do not seem very attentive to other people's emotions. maybe this is just me, but if a partner or close friend communicated that a difficult date was coming up, i would set aside time to be there for them in whatever way they need. you deserve support, especially right now, and im sorry that the people in your life are not stepping up to be there for you. is there any way you could meet like minded or kindhearted friends? hobby groups, volunteering, activism?

i will keep your best friend in my thoughts today