suffocatingseraphim
⸙𖦹killing the self as to protect it from harm𖦹⸙
- Feb 6, 2020
- 108
as the title implies, it's been 3 years on the day since my best friend of nearly a decade took their life.
we had a very excruciating falling out right before he died, and he initially found his method of SN through me since I was venting about it and slipped up in mentioning the forum years prior. I was scared to mention it to him as I knew he would take his life with the resources i had saved up.
he had attempted many times before and struggled with schizo effective traits and severe trauma, we both shared similar trauma and were unfortunately the other persons 'only reason to stay alive.' we felt as though the other person was the only one who truly understood us. especially as enmeshed codependent queer people through our teens and twenties. i. do not have anybody i trust in my life. not truly, not deeply, not like him. my trust is shattered and my walls are high.
I do not feel emotionally safe or loved by my friends- they tend to exclude me constantly. I love my partner, but they are very avoidant and neutral. Even on the death anniversary they opted to scroll their phone and take a nap instead of sitting with me or maybe talking about things. on the one year death anniversary they planned a camping trip out of the state without me.
Maybe my expectations are too high, and ive stopped asking for help and support after years of being met with dead ends. I miss him so fucking badly, I want to go with him. I kick myself for not taking my life right after he took his. I want to SH again, or smoke, or just stand on the edge of the tallest building in the city and teeter there.
Instead I'm fucking numb and socially isolated, effectively the disgusting grieving outcast of my group, with no one to confide in.
we would drop anything to call eachother or go on a drive, smoke on his roof or sob in each others arms until we laughed. i will never know anyone like him. isolation is the true lead to suicide.
I don't want to be alive much longer, but I'm legally not allowed to own a gun and have no acess to SN, at least at the moment. my cats are the only reason I'm alive, and due to the guilt of what the people i know would go through.
I just hope he finally is getting rest from his life, and the peace he deserves
god i want to be with him again
i need to be
i have nothing left
we had a very excruciating falling out right before he died, and he initially found his method of SN through me since I was venting about it and slipped up in mentioning the forum years prior. I was scared to mention it to him as I knew he would take his life with the resources i had saved up.
he had attempted many times before and struggled with schizo effective traits and severe trauma, we both shared similar trauma and were unfortunately the other persons 'only reason to stay alive.' we felt as though the other person was the only one who truly understood us. especially as enmeshed codependent queer people through our teens and twenties. i. do not have anybody i trust in my life. not truly, not deeply, not like him. my trust is shattered and my walls are high.
I do not feel emotionally safe or loved by my friends- they tend to exclude me constantly. I love my partner, but they are very avoidant and neutral. Even on the death anniversary they opted to scroll their phone and take a nap instead of sitting with me or maybe talking about things. on the one year death anniversary they planned a camping trip out of the state without me.
Maybe my expectations are too high, and ive stopped asking for help and support after years of being met with dead ends. I miss him so fucking badly, I want to go with him. I kick myself for not taking my life right after he took his. I want to SH again, or smoke, or just stand on the edge of the tallest building in the city and teeter there.
Instead I'm fucking numb and socially isolated, effectively the disgusting grieving outcast of my group, with no one to confide in.
we would drop anything to call eachother or go on a drive, smoke on his roof or sob in each others arms until we laughed. i will never know anyone like him. isolation is the true lead to suicide.
I don't want to be alive much longer, but I'm legally not allowed to own a gun and have no acess to SN, at least at the moment. my cats are the only reason I'm alive, and due to the guilt of what the people i know would go through.
I just hope he finally is getting rest from his life, and the peace he deserves
god i want to be with him again
i need to be
i have nothing left
