100memoryleaks
forever sorry
- Jul 6, 2026
- 187
all the planning that I'm putting into my ctb is tedious but I know I have to do it if I don't want to fail again. i just want it to be over already. the one and only thing that could make me change my mind is my sweetie pie returning. i think about him everyday. i still check and refresh and check my dms over and over to see if he finally wrote anything. it's been over a month. i know he's not coming back. i know how pathetic i looked crying and begging. but he has given me more chances than any self-respecting man should give...
I feel so sorry that it came to this. i focused on all the wrong things. being prettier wasn't gonna make him stay, he already thought I was the most beautiful girl in the world. being more like him wasn't gonna make him stay either, he said he didn't mind. IT WAS NONE OF THAT. IT WAS JUST TO FUCKING BELIEVE HIM! to believe he would always come back when he said good night, to believe him when he said I'm beautiful enough, to believe him when he said it's fine and I don't need to copy everything he does and thinks.
it's all my fault, I could have prevented everything if I didn't act like such a cunt to my last therapist and instead admitted to her my trust issues, so I could actually get the fucking correct treatment and diagnosis. hell, even if my whole family had to live off ice water soup just to afford all the consultations it would have been worth it. i could have been a healthy and mentally stable girlfriend for him. i gave up too soon back then. i should have been honest to the psychiatrist and told him that the pills were causing more problems instead of just saying I didn't want to go back. i thought I could better on my own but I couldn't. I'm IMPOSSIBLE to reassure, I was a slave to some shitty voices in my head telling me I need to be certain he won't leave, I need to make sure he still likes me, I need to be more like him, more devoted, more loyal—FOR WHAT? for me to go and break his trust and reveal the information he took so much care to safeguard to some sadistic cunt, just because my jealous little ass couldn't fathom how he WASN'T secretly thinking how some random streamer/cosplayer wasn't hotter than me. because he's not that kind of person who sees women as objects, but NOOO I just couldn't accept it. my head was so fucked up from all the past abuse that back then I refused to move on from. i just kept letting it affect me instead of like, you know, maybe bringing that up to that therapist I mentioned earlier? or even if I didn't like her, at least give her a chance and then ask for another one?
BUT I REALIZED EVERYTHING TOO LATE AND WHY SHOULD HE FUCKING CARE THAT I DID? I should have done all that while he was still around to help me through it. I said I cared about him but I didn't care enough about the things that actually mattered. i just acted selfish and petty.
i refused to celebrate my university graduation because he couldn't be here to celebrate it with me. but a couple weeks ago I checked the university portal, and it updated. it officially says I graduated now. also, i found the graduation balloons that my parents bought me in the closet downstairs. my sweetheart is gone forever, there's nothing to celebrate with him anymore. not his birthday, not my birthday, nothing. but I really do mean it when I say I love him and only him and literally nobody and nothing else. that's why I want to leave now. i don't want to move on, I don't want anyone else. this is true love, although my actions couldn't reflect it enough. i will think about him until my very last breath.
I hate every second that I'm still alive. I've become so disgusting that it's torture to continue to exist inside in this living body. the regret will continue to eat at me until my last breath. I wish I didn't have to wake up tomorrow, I wish I didn't have to keep going to work, I just want this all to be over. i don't want to be saved I just want my sweetie. i miss you so much it's my fault you left me
I feel so sorry that it came to this. i focused on all the wrong things. being prettier wasn't gonna make him stay, he already thought I was the most beautiful girl in the world. being more like him wasn't gonna make him stay either, he said he didn't mind. IT WAS NONE OF THAT. IT WAS JUST TO FUCKING BELIEVE HIM! to believe he would always come back when he said good night, to believe him when he said I'm beautiful enough, to believe him when he said it's fine and I don't need to copy everything he does and thinks.
it's all my fault, I could have prevented everything if I didn't act like such a cunt to my last therapist and instead admitted to her my trust issues, so I could actually get the fucking correct treatment and diagnosis. hell, even if my whole family had to live off ice water soup just to afford all the consultations it would have been worth it. i could have been a healthy and mentally stable girlfriend for him. i gave up too soon back then. i should have been honest to the psychiatrist and told him that the pills were causing more problems instead of just saying I didn't want to go back. i thought I could better on my own but I couldn't. I'm IMPOSSIBLE to reassure, I was a slave to some shitty voices in my head telling me I need to be certain he won't leave, I need to make sure he still likes me, I need to be more like him, more devoted, more loyal—FOR WHAT? for me to go and break his trust and reveal the information he took so much care to safeguard to some sadistic cunt, just because my jealous little ass couldn't fathom how he WASN'T secretly thinking how some random streamer/cosplayer wasn't hotter than me. because he's not that kind of person who sees women as objects, but NOOO I just couldn't accept it. my head was so fucked up from all the past abuse that back then I refused to move on from. i just kept letting it affect me instead of like, you know, maybe bringing that up to that therapist I mentioned earlier? or even if I didn't like her, at least give her a chance and then ask for another one?
BUT I REALIZED EVERYTHING TOO LATE AND WHY SHOULD HE FUCKING CARE THAT I DID? I should have done all that while he was still around to help me through it. I said I cared about him but I didn't care enough about the things that actually mattered. i just acted selfish and petty.
i refused to celebrate my university graduation because he couldn't be here to celebrate it with me. but a couple weeks ago I checked the university portal, and it updated. it officially says I graduated now. also, i found the graduation balloons that my parents bought me in the closet downstairs. my sweetheart is gone forever, there's nothing to celebrate with him anymore. not his birthday, not my birthday, nothing. but I really do mean it when I say I love him and only him and literally nobody and nothing else. that's why I want to leave now. i don't want to move on, I don't want anyone else. this is true love, although my actions couldn't reflect it enough. i will think about him until my very last breath.
I hate every second that I'm still alive. I've become so disgusting that it's torture to continue to exist inside in this living body. the regret will continue to eat at me until my last breath. I wish I didn't have to wake up tomorrow, I wish I didn't have to keep going to work, I just want this all to be over. i don't want to be saved I just want my sweetie. i miss you so much it's my fault you left me
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