Change of plans.

[👁️👃👁️]

As I explained to one of my previous threads we're moving from this house and my plan was to head behind the woods and CTB but come to find out that property supposedly was purchased by some college kid and he's leasing it as a hunting ground. I don't want to go back there now and risk getting caught or something. Now I don't know what to do. The whole reason I was going to go back there is because my family was planning on moving anyways so I figured I would kill myself back there and they wouldn't have to live with knowing that I did it right behind their house because they're moving to a new home. I checked the surrounding area of the new home and it seems as though there are woods behind the house as well but now I feel bad because if I ctb back there they're going to have to live with knowing that I literally died not even a quarter of a mile behind the property. I just don't know. I wish we didn't have to sneak around and kill ourself. I wish we just had a safe place that we could do it and let everyone know that we're doing it and spend our last moments with them and make memories with them before we go. I hate that we have to sneak around and order salt from chemical companies and try to find a place where we can do this. People keep mentioning getting a hotel like I haven't already thought about that but the thing is I live in a rural area and I'm currently not working or have any source of income. I don't know man I just needed to vent maybe get some different perspectives.
Becoming suicidal and spending time on this forum has really opened my mind to a lot of things. If people want to die let them. If they truly don't want to live why keep them alive. I just don't understand why we have to sneak around and do this. I just wish I could pull up to some place and say hey I'm ready to go and pass on peacefully followed by being cremated and shipping my ashes off to wherever they need to go or whoever they need to go to.

 

[Willto]

Yes, why keep us alive if we don't want to live.

 

[👁️👃👁️]

Yes, why keep us alive if we don't want to live.

Yeah.. I mean.. I have a way out.. it's just having to sneak around like this.. If I had my own place or a vehicle it would be way easier.
I'm tired of waking up everyday. I really don't want to hurt my family or hurt anyone I just don't want to wake up anymore. I go to sleep every night hoping I do not wake up and then I wake up.

 

[universe]

It's true that CTB requires real effort, it is really an obstacle course. Everything is done to prevent us from doing so, from every point of view. Even for people who have the option of CTB in an apartment alone or in a hotel, zero risk does not exist. There is always a risk of being caught, by the noises, by a cleaning lady. Fortunately, suicide is no longer punishable by law.

 

[Maudlin]

"I just wish I could pull up to some place and say hey I'm ready to go and pass on peacefully followed by being cremated and shipping my ashes off to wherever they need to go"

Self immolation plus opiates in the middle of an open field on a windy day?

-forgive me, I'm toxic.

That's just what immediately came to mind.
I'd be lying if I were to say I'm disappointed in the difficulty you're having.

I like seeing your posts. I like the fact you're still with us. I'm a selfish bastard, I know.

"I just wish I could pull up to some place and say hey I'm ready to go and pass on peacefully followed by being cremated and shipping my ashes off to wherever they need to go"

Self immolation plus opiates in the middle of an open field on a windy day?

-forgive me, I'm toxic.

That's just what immediately came to mind.
I'd be lying if I were to say I'm disappointed in the difficulty you're having.

I like seeing your posts. I like the fact you're still with us. I'm a selfish bastard, I know.

I mean, the eyeballs/nose thing. The dancing salt shaker.
You're creative. This disgusting planet needs more creative people.
You've never come off as malicious, as far as I've seen.

Just intelligent, and a little lost.
No, I'm not disappointed at all.

That said, I hope you find the comfy spot you're looking for.

 

[Smart No More]

Just a thought, your family might have had a different reaction to your original plan that you intended. They might have found it hard to leave, knowing you died there. Like leaving you behind. If you know what I mean. You know them so you can probably guess how they'll react but people can surprise you. Particularly people you know. So maybe it's a blessing in disguise for them. I don't know. I can just imagine a loved one visiting a bit of woodland outside their home regularly and talking about how their daughter passed away there and that they visit the spot to be near her. Much like a grave or the site of a fatal road accident.

I don't know if that helps you or makes you feel worse but I felt it worth saying. Hope it doesn't bum you out though!

 

[FuneralCry]

Your feelings are understandable. It would be ideal if we could just leave this world without all the secrecy and having to order methods online and do method research. Our wish to die should be respected as the truth is that for many people life could never be worth living and to die is the preferable option for them. Nobody should be expected to endure a life that they never asked for against their wishes. But it's certainly tiring and frustrating how it can be this difficult to leave this world.

 

[makethepainstop]

As I explained to one of my previous threads we're moving from this house and my plan was to head behind the woods and CTB but come to find out that property supposedly was purchased by some college kid and he's leasing it as a hunting ground. I don't want to go back there now and risk getting caught or something. Now I don't know what to do. The whole reason I was going to go back there is because my family was planning on moving anyways so I figured I would kill myself back there and they wouldn't have to live with knowing that I did it right behind their house because they're moving to a new home. I checked the surrounding area of the new home and it seems as though there are woods behind the house as well but now I feel bad because if I ctb back there they're going to have to live with knowing that I literally died not even a quarter of a mile behind the property. I just don't know. I wish we didn't have to sneak around and kill ourself. I wish we just had a safe place that we could do it and let everyone know that we're doing it and spend our last moments with them and make memories with them before we go. I hate that we have to sneak around and order salt from chemical companies and try to find a place where we can do this. People keep mentioning getting a hotel like I haven't already thought about that but the thing is I live in a rural area and I'm currently not working or have any source of income. I don't know man I just needed to vent maybe get some different perspectives.
Becoming suicidal and spending time on this forum has really opened my mind to a lot of things. If people want to die let them. If they truly don't want to live why keep them alive. I just don't understand why we have to sneak around and do this. I just wish I could pull up to some place and say hey I'm ready to go and pass on peacefully followed by being cremated and shipping my ashes off to wherever they need to go or whoever they need to go to.

Every plan needs flexibility. Every contingency and hiccup must be anticipated to ensure success. Much love to you.

 

[Nikki2020]

Yeah.. I mean.. I have a way out.. it's just having to sneak around like this.. If I had my own place or a vehicle it would be way easier.
I'm tired of waking up everyday. I really don't want to hurt my family or hurt anyone I just don't want to wake up anymore. I go to sleep every night hoping I do not wake up and then I wake up.

me too
that sounds difficult. what are you going to do? :(

 

[👁️👃👁️]

me too
that sounds difficult. what are you going to do? :(

Don't know. I think another thing that I'm stressing about is making this plan perfectly right since I'm going into the woods I'll plan on bringing a tent with me a case anything happens and I happen to wake up. Wish I had no probably won't happen. I think instead I might just bring a sheet with me or a blanket. Make it look like I'm having a picnic or something. Make a comfortable spot for me out in the woods or in an open field somewhere. Even if it's behind the house I have to do it I don't know what else to do anymore I'm desperate to go I just want to leave. It's bad enough I'm going to hurt them but I mean at least I'm not doing it in their house right? It's the agoraphobia also it's weird because I never dealt with this agoraphobia before (that's a reason developed it I was being followed by a certain group of people but I don't talk about it much here because I'm tired of these know it all scientists I'm trying to invalidate what I'm going through and telling me that I'm not actually going through it and that it's paranoia and to try medication. I know what the hell I'm going through I'm a very intuitive being and I'm very aware of my surroundings and I always have been) so that plays a role too if that wasn't going on and I didn't feel terrified for my life sometime I would just hop on a Greyhound bus and travel somewhere like I used to do. Head to the mountains or something in Colorado. That's not the case though. My family was going to move to somewhere where there was a state park close but of course they would rather keep moving to these rural area because my dad is so afraid of humans and this virus. Anyway I don't expect anyone to tell me anything I'm just opening up it's easier for me to talk about these things and then go back and read it and look at it to formulate a good plan. I guess it's really not that serious I just need to shut up and drink the SN. I just want to try to make this as easy when everyone is possible because it's already going to be hard enough.

 

[Cathy Ames]

I wish we didn't have to sneak around and kill ourself. I wish we just had a safe place that we could do it and let everyone know that we're doing it and spend our last moments with them and make memories with them before we go. I hate that we have to sneak around and order salt from chemical companies and try to find a place where we can do this.

Yeah. I keep wishing I could get one my organized friends to help with with to-do lists and scheduling and etc. to leave as gracefully and calmly as possible instead of the pure ugliness that is going to be left behind. It would be lovely to be able to say goodbye and all that instead of having to be completely closed off so I don't slip up.

I'm so sorry about the added complication on top of all the others.

 

[👁️👃👁️]

Yeah. I keep wishing I could get one my organized friends to help with with to-do lists and scheduling and etc. to leave as gracefully and calmly as possible instead of the pure ugliness that is going to be left behind. It would be lovely to be able to say goodbye and all that instead of having to be completely closed off so I don't slip up.

I'm so sorry about the added complication on top of all the others.

Exactly! Having to sneak around I'd terrible. Why can't we say out goodbyes and stuff.