Tonight is a really bad night. I cannot stand to be in my own skin. Thinking about what a pathetic loser I am makes me sick. I make me sick. I've felt I'm not cut out for this world since I was a teenager. Now that I'm older the feeling just gets stronger and stronger. I'm a shitty person, family member, friend and partner. Still have people that check in and reach out but I wish they would all leave me the f*ck alone. I've been in a pretty terrible relationship for the last 4 years where I felt like everything about me was picked apart and criticized. Im defensive and partner says I just act like a victim and I think he's right.
Sometimes I wonder if things would be a bit better if I moved somewhere remote and just lived by myself alone with my cat, so I can just rot, do nothing and play video games (basically the only true comfort I have, started playing a couple years ago). Or things might be better if I just didn't care what people think, then I'd just be able to isolate myself like I want to without the crushing guilt of bailing, not showing up or cancelling again and again and again.
I started working in the health care system (purposely vague), and get told I'm good at my job and I work hard. I had a miscarriage and got to see as a consumer how f*cked and broken the system is, as well as how little people care. Months of excruciating pain and heavy bleeding while I got brushed off, condescended or given misoprostol again wnd again when it clearly wasn't working. Resulted in me being anemic and sick as fuck. Maybe it was meant to be, I think I'd be a horrible mother.
Honestly don't even know what I'm saying, just venting I guess like the tag says. Literal nonsensical rambling. CTB is really the only option to relieve myself and others of me. I don't want to be a victim, I just feel crushing pain and despair, and especially uncontrollable rage :( idk if anyone can identify but I feel so alone right now
Sometimes I wonder if things would be a bit better if I moved somewhere remote and just lived by myself alone with my cat, so I can just rot, do nothing and play video games (basically the only true comfort I have, started playing a couple years ago). Or things might be better if I just didn't care what people think, then I'd just be able to isolate myself like I want to without the crushing guilt of bailing, not showing up or cancelling again and again and again.
I started working in the health care system (purposely vague), and get told I'm good at my job and I work hard. I had a miscarriage and got to see as a consumer how f*cked and broken the system is, as well as how little people care. Months of excruciating pain and heavy bleeding while I got brushed off, condescended or given misoprostol again wnd again when it clearly wasn't working. Resulted in me being anemic and sick as fuck. Maybe it was meant to be, I think I'd be a horrible mother.
Honestly don't even know what I'm saying, just venting I guess like the tag says. Literal nonsensical rambling. CTB is really the only option to relieve myself and others of me. I don't want to be a victim, I just feel crushing pain and despair, and especially uncontrollable rage :( idk if anyone can identify but I feel so alone right now
