Venting Can’t stomach being in my own skin anymore

[SB3]

Tonight is a really bad night. I cannot stand to be in my own skin. Thinking about what a pathetic loser I am makes me sick. I make me sick. I've felt I'm not cut out for this world since I was a teenager. Now that I'm older the feeling just gets stronger and stronger. I'm a shitty person, family member, friend and partner. Still have people that check in and reach out but I wish they would all leave me the f*ck alone. I've been in a pretty terrible relationship for the last 4 years where I felt like everything about me was picked apart and criticized. Im defensive and partner says I just act like a victim and I think he's right.
Sometimes I wonder if things would be a bit better if I moved somewhere remote and just lived by myself alone with my cat, so I can just rot, do nothing and play video games (basically the only true comfort I have, started playing a couple years ago). Or things might be better if I just didn't care what people think, then I'd just be able to isolate myself like I want to without the crushing guilt of bailing, not showing up or cancelling again and again and again.
I started working in the health care system (purposely vague), and get told I'm good at my job and I work hard. I had a miscarriage and got to see as a consumer how f*cked and broken the system is, as well as how little people care. Months of excruciating pain and heavy bleeding while I got brushed off, condescended or given misoprostol again wnd again when it clearly wasn't working. Resulted in me being anemic and sick as fuck. Maybe it was meant to be, I think I'd be a horrible mother.
Honestly don't even know what I'm saying, just venting I guess like the tag says. Literal nonsensical rambling. CTB is really the only option to relieve myself and others of me. I don't want to be a victim, I just feel crushing pain and despair, and especially uncontrollable rage :( idk if anyone can identify but I feel so alone right now

 

[BrighterMoon]

Okay first, if your partner is constantly making you feel criticized and picked apart, that is kind of a red flag on him ngl, and the fact you're calling it a terrible relationship for four years is very telling in that matter. I don't know your exact situation, but I was in a relationship for three years with someone who made me feel like the scum of the earth and like I was better off dead, and that was on her, constantly feeding into my insecurities and hurting me in the ways she knew would hurt the worst. I blamed myself for that, but now a year later I know it was not on me and she was the one hurting me, I think maybe your partner could be a big part in making your feelings more intense :(

Omg I am so sorry. That, yeah no that would be enough to make anyone feel like... well like how you feel, you said it pretty perfectly, god that is a fucked up series of events idk what else to say other than I'm so, so sorry. Why do you think you'd be a horrible mother? Do you think it's possible that the heartbreak and trauma from what happened to you, mixed with a very unsupportive partner who makes you feel worse and possibly other triggering things for you could be responsible for you thinking that? It sounds like you do want to be a mother, which is a good sign for being a good mother, and probably means you believed you would be a good mother at some point in the past! What makes that not true now? Is it really something that a change in environment and mental health counseling wouldn't be able to improve? You've only mentioned horrible things that have happened to you in this post but from the way you talk it sounds like you're in fight mode right now, so as cheesy as it sounds maybe just be a fighter. If you really want your situation to improve, if you really want to be a mother, if you really want a better partner, taking small steps is really the bravest thing you can do like finding a therapist, talking to your partner/finding a new one, learning not to rely on a partner (I don't know if you do I'm just mentioning things :) ) I mean you were fucked over, so fuck them, don't be a victim. The hardest part is feeling completely alone in the world, I think that could be the best place to start <3 Having a therapist to talk to every week like a routine, finding new friends to support you against your what sounds to be a toxic partner and who will stay by your side while make these changes, and one day a much better partner perhaps or maybe you could talk with your current partner to make some very needed changes. It sounds like you have no support which NEEDS to change. I will always support peoples decision regarding ctb, but reading your post it doesn't actually sound like what you really want. You want to not be a victim, you want to love yourself, to be a mother. It sounds like you've perhaps been suicidal since you've been a teen but it really doesn't sound like that is your ideal outcome, so I'd love to see you start to grow onto a different path to live the life you really want to live, cause it does sound really possible actually, the hardest part is the crushing feelings and possibly depression standing in your way, making you feel isolated and keeping you from leaning on others for support maybe.

While I have not been in your exact experiences, the last line you used to describe your feelings I know to a T, and I am so sorry that is the last thing you need right now. I've been really close to ctb'ing before, and am reaching closer every day but I'm not sure if it's what I really want. I'd like to see if you could reflect the same way because maybe we can get better, ctb can always be something we keep in the back pocket if we need it, but it doesn't sound like that is winning for us.

Whatever you choose I hope you find peace and happiness, and I really hope this reply doesn't sound toxically positive or make you feel worse, I just noticed that it seems like you really want to fight back so I wanted to let you know that to gently challenge what you felt was your only option at the end of the post :) You really don't sound hopeless to me, just someone dealing with demons both inside and outside, and since you like games maybe use Doom as an analogy and go grab a shotgun lol and rip those demons to shreds! Speaking of, what games do you like to play! Unrelated but I'd like to know lol I have a soft spot for video games, I'm glad you picked them up they're one of my favorite coping tools <3