L
labawara
New Member
- Jun 29, 2023
- 2
Before I start to tell my story, I just want to ask for no judgments, I know that a lot of people here really do struggle with problems that seem harder than mine, and I don't want to diminish that or equalize my issues with theirs, however, I would appreciate if you folks could try to see this not as "a phase", "young adult's perspective problem" because this is serious to me. Thank you very much. I would appreciate any comments, (comment pleasee)
So, I just got rejected from my dream college (I don't want to say the name of the university that I applied to because I feel that when I say to people where I want to study, they look at me and think: "OK, it's nice that you do have dreams. But you won't get admitted in there. You're smart, but not 'that smart'".) I am so sad. No, not sad. I'm depressed. I just can't do anything without crying, literally. When I remember the rejection I just want to cry so hard, I mean I didn't want just the reputation of the university, I really wanted the academics and extracurriculars they offer. They're one of two universities in the WORLD that I know that offers the major that I wanted to study, the second being a shithole university in countryside Germany.
I know that some might think: "You're more attached to the idea of college than to what college is." and that isn't true. I know that college is fucking hard, and it's not just "parties". And I wanted that, oh boy, I wanted that so hard. I wanted an academically challenging place, not a place to party. And I know some people might, again, argue that: "But, if you want this, go to any university, and be the best there, if you do this, the name of your university won't matter", but I don't find this helpful, I really can't imagine me studying in a university that I don't like...
A colleague of mine (whom I will call "Ge") was accepted into Harvard, MIT, Oxford, and her dream school: Osaka University, while another colleague ("Fran") was also accepted into his dream school: MIT. I'M LIKE: "JESUS, WHAT IS MY PROBLEM? I mean, OK, Ge chose Osaka Uni, that university isn't good compared to Harvard, but at least she HAD THE CHOICE, BUT I DON'T, WHY CAN I HAVE THIS CHOICE?"
Because of this anger/sadness I feel that I'm starting to become an asshole now: I intentionally started to treat people, including really vulnerable people, bad, real bad. But again and again, I just think this: "Why should I care? Why should I fuc*ing care about other people? I mean, aren't the Ivy League+ and Oxbridge students just saving the world and leading us to a utopia? Ending poverty, and discrimination, saving the world from climate hell, all while fighting Big Tech against technological inequality and surveillance? I mean, if they're doing all of that, what I, a shitty, stupid subhuman should do? I shouldn't be here, I'm just occupying worthless space."
Besides all of that, I am so mad at my parents, I feel that they do have low expectations of me and that they really could have done more, they could have been harsher on me, and they could have been angrier with me when I took bad grades at my high school's courses. They could've put me on "performance pills" like Adderall or Vyvanse, (a lot of parents did that to their kids in my high school, seriously, the mother of one of my colleagues ("Pio") made him take Ritalin, if he forgot or didn't want to take his pills his mom would be so pissed off! Although he's attending Sapienza (Italy) now, he was accepted into really good universities (UC Berkeley and Columbia).
Because of all of this, I'm thinking hard about CTB in November. I started to make some plans and I feel I am going to do this. And, when I start to think about it, I become extra sad because I had a lot of dreams and goals in life (I don't want to say them here, because they might sound silly), but, yeah, that's it... (Sorry to stop writing in the middle of the last text, I'm too tired to do the whole argumentation).
Once again, I just wanted to say that I know this sounds silly, but is really hard to me. Since I finished high school, I stayed 2 years self-studying just with this goal in mind: "Getting accepted in *this* University". I'm 21 now, and, honestly, I'm so fuc*ing tired. All of my old classmates are almost finished with college, and I didn't even started.
(English is not my native language, I'm sorry for grammar/spelling errors)
So, I just got rejected from my dream college (I don't want to say the name of the university that I applied to because I feel that when I say to people where I want to study, they look at me and think: "OK, it's nice that you do have dreams. But you won't get admitted in there. You're smart, but not 'that smart'".) I am so sad. No, not sad. I'm depressed. I just can't do anything without crying, literally. When I remember the rejection I just want to cry so hard, I mean I didn't want just the reputation of the university, I really wanted the academics and extracurriculars they offer. They're one of two universities in the WORLD that I know that offers the major that I wanted to study, the second being a shithole university in countryside Germany.
I know that some might think: "You're more attached to the idea of college than to what college is." and that isn't true. I know that college is fucking hard, and it's not just "parties". And I wanted that, oh boy, I wanted that so hard. I wanted an academically challenging place, not a place to party. And I know some people might, again, argue that: "But, if you want this, go to any university, and be the best there, if you do this, the name of your university won't matter", but I don't find this helpful, I really can't imagine me studying in a university that I don't like...
A colleague of mine (whom I will call "Ge") was accepted into Harvard, MIT, Oxford, and her dream school: Osaka University, while another colleague ("Fran") was also accepted into his dream school: MIT. I'M LIKE: "JESUS, WHAT IS MY PROBLEM? I mean, OK, Ge chose Osaka Uni, that university isn't good compared to Harvard, but at least she HAD THE CHOICE, BUT I DON'T, WHY CAN I HAVE THIS CHOICE?"
Because of this anger/sadness I feel that I'm starting to become an asshole now: I intentionally started to treat people, including really vulnerable people, bad, real bad. But again and again, I just think this: "Why should I care? Why should I fuc*ing care about other people? I mean, aren't the Ivy League+ and Oxbridge students just saving the world and leading us to a utopia? Ending poverty, and discrimination, saving the world from climate hell, all while fighting Big Tech against technological inequality and surveillance? I mean, if they're doing all of that, what I, a shitty, stupid subhuman should do? I shouldn't be here, I'm just occupying worthless space."
Besides all of that, I am so mad at my parents, I feel that they do have low expectations of me and that they really could have done more, they could have been harsher on me, and they could have been angrier with me when I took bad grades at my high school's courses. They could've put me on "performance pills" like Adderall or Vyvanse, (a lot of parents did that to their kids in my high school, seriously, the mother of one of my colleagues ("Pio") made him take Ritalin, if he forgot or didn't want to take his pills his mom would be so pissed off! Although he's attending Sapienza (Italy) now, he was accepted into really good universities (UC Berkeley and Columbia).
Because of all of this, I'm thinking hard about CTB in November. I started to make some plans and I feel I am going to do this. And, when I start to think about it, I become extra sad because I had a lot of dreams and goals in life (I don't want to say them here, because they might sound silly), but, yeah, that's it... (Sorry to stop writing in the middle of the last text, I'm too tired to do the whole argumentation).
Once again, I just wanted to say that I know this sounds silly, but is really hard to me. Since I finished high school, I stayed 2 years self-studying just with this goal in mind: "Getting accepted in *this* University". I'm 21 now, and, honestly, I'm so fuc*ing tired. All of my old classmates are almost finished with college, and I didn't even started.
(English is not my native language, I'm sorry for grammar/spelling errors)