Discussion I'm locked/trapped in life. Idk how to continue, and i can't ignore the hurt i would cause.

[Not_a_fan_of_life]

Hi, I'm 27F and a mess. (And I'm new here)

I have severe ADHD, i am autistic, and has psychological/mental issues that i cannot resolve, even not with many years of therapy. (Also there is more issues)
ADHD medications aren't working out for me anymore and therefore I'm rawdogging life.

My ADHD makes me incapable of bringing consistent efforts at work, and makes me unable to return to my life dream workplace. (I'm [was] Traindriver) ((Now I'm barely getting along working minimum waage))

I don't want to exist, like generally. I do not accept to the "terms of conditions" of life on earth. Mankind is impressively stupid, and we fkn kill our ecosystem. It's an insult for any kind intelligent life, here - and maybe even out there.

I'm suffering for so long now, in 2019 i was broken a final time, i was bullied heavily back in school and had to change schools several times because i nowhere fitted in without becoming a target for idiots.

I'm pretty fucked up regarding of me "system integrity" i feel like me being a pile of glass shards dragging itself along, while also getting worn down, and getting fried alive in an deep-fryer, using Frustration instead of oil.

I'm a pretty soft and emotional person, and my problem is that i might still be a fighting spirit, but also deeply exhausted, and tired. I dont want to think, i dont want to perceive, i dont want to feel. I dont want to be. Not even in some sort of afterlife.

But life improved for me, and I'm in a serious relationship since 8 months, and my partner also is in dire neef of support, wich i give her.
I just cannot allow myself to "go" because i couldn't uphold the guilt of shocking my whole family, leaving behind my sister, and girlfriend.
I really feel like i have no reason to complain despite me being somewhat poor, and mentally fkd (chronic reoccurring depressive episodes)

On one hand im just tired, and feel happy about seeing videos of people dying, like actually being envious. On the other hand I understand the bodily terror, and pain connected to it, for me, and the people around me. And still gatekeep myself away emotionally from the actual act.

I'm at the end of my line and dont know how i should continue, existing for others mainly causes extreme wear on one self, and i get more and more miserable and incompetent by the damage I've accumulated and further accumulate.

(Sorry if my English isn't that good, I'm German)

 

[blueskies93]

Your English is great, perfectly understandable if you ask me! In terms of how we feel about suicide, you and I are in similar situations. There are people in my life who would be immensely hurt and impacted forever if I ctb. It's the only reason I haven't done it yet, it's really hard to work past.

At the same time, while I can't speak for you I can say for myself that I know that I can't just exist without providing value (mainly money). My particular issues are making me less and less capable of doing regular things, and that could be even worse than death. It will hurt them when I die, but I don't really see another option at this point. The longer I live, the more reckless and prone to self destructive behavior I become. That would potentially be even more painful for those around me than me dying and them remembering me as someone who loved them and treated them well.

I don't have a solution for you or myself, but just wanted to say I sympathize and understand how you feel. I hope that you find peace one way or another.

 

[Not_a_fan_of_life]

Your English is great, perfectly understandable if you ask me! In terms of how we feel about suicide, you and I are in similar situations. There are people in my life who would be immensely hurt and impacted forever if I ctb. It's the only reason I haven't done it yet, it's really hard to work past.

At the same time, while I can't speak for you I can say for myself that I know that I can't just exist without providing value (mainly money). My particular issues are making me less and less capable of doing regular things, and that could be even worse than death. It will hurt them when I die, but I don't really see another option at this point. The longer I live, the more reckless and prone to self destructive behavior I become. That would potentially be even more painful for those around me than me dying and them remembering me as someone who loved them and treated them well.

I don't have a solution for you or myself, but just wanted to say I sympathize and understand how you feel. I hope that you find peace one way or another.

It's not just "hard to work past it" it seems unachievable. Yet I'm feared of getting that exhausted that in some impulse i just drop my novelty and ctb. But i know when i die my last thoughts will be regret of hurting my family who really tried to help me and supported me. I just, dont can keep going forever, and the world and my mind becoming hurtfully broken.