As you can see, a lot of people agree sex isn't everything you're putting so much pressure on yourself for. And it's also not uncommon to not find the love of your life. But you still can. This tread has me thinking of all the times I tried, and was shot down. Also, the times I got someone to be with me, and screwed it up because of my mental/emotional problems. Actually, the last time I really let someone hurt me was over 20 years ago. One day I was in our public library using the Internet. It was (as we understand the Internet as it is now) a fairly new thing. People by and large didn't have computers at home, and those that did had to pay big for Internet in their own house. There was the fees for it, and those in my area had to pay long distance telephone rates for every minute they were online. But I'm getting all nerd nostalgic here. Anyway, next to me was a girl about my age, early/mid 20s. She ends up asking me for advice on searching for a person. She's good looking, so I spend some of my valuable time helping her. You only had an hour a day...but the nerd is showing again...sorry. Turns out she's trying to track down a guy from her past. My hopes are deflated, but I help her. We don't find any contact info, and both go outside together when our hour is up. We talk, and it turns out we have a lot in common. We both are living at home with family again, and being able to read the signs, she has issues like me.
Now I'm not one to use other people, but my inside already becoming empty at this age, I quickly stole glances at her body, and could see a wonder-land of sexual possibilities, lol. She sort of freaked me out though. Like I said, she had issues, and it showed with how she lost interest in him, and started showing a very rapid interest in me. She obviously was kind of a female version of me. There was a more real issue, like when we got outside she lite up, and I HATE smoking, and would never date a smoker. But the two things that hurt inside was that she reflected me back into my own eyes, and my situation in life, both in terms of being poor, and all the issues I had, both mental/emotional, and physical. In the middle of our outside conversation she said we should exchange phone numbers, and I knew by then I wasn't going to bring it up again if she didn't. When I left her to get in my car and drive away we exchanged pleasantries, but I could see on her face she realized I was leaving without exchanging contact info. I felt bad about that, and still do. I hope I didn't hurt her feelings. I drove home, and cried along the way. There was a mass of emotions, and it was hard to tell which was making me cry. Was it that I thought so little of myself I would throw away an obvious chance like that? Or that only someone messed up like I was would take an interest in me? And then there's the guilt I feel.
Because it was a lost chance I've lamented over the years for sex, and I both feel like a better person than that, but also feel like I can't love anymore, but the lesser part of my person would love to be in my early 20s again, and having sweaty sex with another early 20s girl. It could be argued we might have been made for each other, and might still be together now. To which I would say, "yeah, but you know how you can read things in the moment, at the time? Well I'm sure that's not the case. I could tell it would have been a mess." Well, I've been wrong about so much I can't say that for sure, now that I'm older, and see myself better. But I feel like I would have messed it up, and she would have too. Life is...well, like this....when you don't "have it together." One thing @PaYo...nothing against you....but when you're young it's hard to see where (and how) you're the issue sometimes. You speak about women kind of harshly. And there is a lot of reason for how you feel. I've felt that way. But it might help die down that fire in you to see what you bring to all this. It'll help even more if you find out what it is, and accept yourself despite it. I lost out in life in so many ways. But I did because of who and what I am. I find a little comfort in that. It helps me not be angry at people and things that aren't exactly the problem too.
Anyway, for anyone how read that, thanks for listening to my story. I never told the whole thing to anyone before.