Story its been awhile....things are okay/normal but i still see myself CTBing

[sourcherry]

hellooo its been almost 5 months since ive last posted. im working a respectable FT city job now in my field with a steady salary.
my days are more stable i go to the office, work, then go home. people at work are normal. they expect me to do my work which i do and thats it. i dont need to overextend myself or play social niceness. im out of the house more so i get interrogated less by my mom.

ive built up a pretty sizable savings account - im waiting to save more so i can wipe my leftover student debt in one go.

things are normal. the only one rocky thing was dumping my avoident partner but im already over it.
i should be fine. but somehow i still see an end date. i keep looking at the SN i have stashed away and i imagine myself going through the procedure over and over in my head.

i guess this is also normal for suicidal people. i dont really feel hope for the future or anything. i feel kind of resigned that this is all that will be.

 

[jojobanana]

me too op

my life is essentially back on track and i'm arguably happier but the feeling of wanting to ctb is still strong

 

[sourcherry]

me too op

my life is essentially back on track and i'm arguably happier but the feeling of wanting to ctb is still strong

sad but also glad im not alone in feeling like this. the goal posts just keep moving and i feel like there's something fundamentally wrong with me,

 

[jojobanana]

sad but also glad im not alone in feeling like this. the goal posts just keep moving and i feel like there's something fundamentally wrong with me,

what do you when you say the goalposts keep moving

 

[RawRX3]

I feels that lots

I've been trying to figure out why I don't have anything I'm looking forward to in life, I have a lot of thing I enjoy, a few expected reasons to keep going but nothing I have feels like something I can live for even when I wished I could. There's one thing that could maybe change that but it's just not something I think will happen and I'm tired and quickly reach the limits of what my previous life could provide for me.

So pretty relates :3

 

[sourcherry]

what do you when you say the goalposts keep moving

im assuming you're asking what i mean by this?
the best way i can explain it is that i feel like im always chasing something: before it was a FT job, before that it was wishing my mom would stop fighting me. its very difficult for me to live in the present bc im constantly regretting the past and fearing the future.

i feel very tired all the time. ironically, i think that CTB is the only way for me to live in the present bc everything would stop.